


Nothing like the Sun

by Eravalefantasy



Series: Nothing Like the Sun [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Explicit Language, F/M, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-18 19:48:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4718333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eravalefantasy/pseuds/Eravalefantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wren Trevelyan is found after the Conclave. A Seeker from Cassandra's past, she finds friends that help her  move forward beyond her own past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nothing Like the Sun

Nothing Like the Sun

 

Wren opened her eyes and saw only a few torches, the room otherwise dim. When she tried to stand, she realized she was bound and struggled to calm herself. The door burst open and hooded woman entered the dim light.

“Who sent you? What happened at the temple?”

Keeping her eyes on the woman, Wren assessed the newcomer. _Her accent, Orlesian maybe._

Wren stared up at the woman. “I don’t know. It blew up. I thought I was dead. Next question.”

The hooded woman stepped closer. “And the Divine?“

“I _don’t know_ what happened. One moment everything was fine, and then nothing.” Wren tried to reach her boot; sitting with her legs just under her. If they did not search her, she might be able to reach a small knife tucked inside the top edge. _Now I just need to do this slowly._

“My brother and sister died at the temple. I can assure you that my parents will not pay one copper for my return. You’re wasting your time.”

Wren tried to make sense of the situation. _What do your instincts tell you? These are not bandits. Not mercenaries. They think I blew up the temple. If I am the only one who survived, even if I ignore that dream of running through the fade, I would make the same assumption._

“You put me at a disadvantage. I cannot see you. Please do me the courtesy of stepping into the light.” The woman stepped into the torchlight just as Wren had almost cut through the ropes.

She'd never met Sister Leliana in person, but her clothing, and the little she knew fit and if Leliana stood in front of her-Cassandra likely was nearby, too.  _Nightingale_. _What did I step in now?_ “Sister Nightingale, I would ask that Lady Pentaghast be summoned. I believe she will be able to clear up who I am.” Her bonds cut loose and fell away. “With your permission, I would like to stand up. I promise on my honor I will not attack or try to escape.”

Leliana asked one of the guards to bring Cassandra to the room.

“Yes, you may. Do you require help?”

Wren stood and handed the Nightingale her ropes. “No, I’m fine thank you.” Wren stood with her arms crossed. “I’ll stay right here.”

Leliana suppressed a smile. _Clever. She let me know that she held the upper hand but did not take it. Who is this woman?_ She was tall, well groomed.   _The intricate braiding of her hair is favored by Templars and Seekers, definitely a warrior, perhaps Templar? High ranking by the discipline. Each time that thing on her hand flairs, you see it causes pain, but she shakes it off like an annoyance._

 “You know me, how?” Leliana could not place the woman’s face in her memory.

“Your clothing. The all-seeing eye. I have seen you before.”  

The door opened and Cassandra walked in.  She looked at the prisoner and recognition cross her features. “Wren?”

“Cass. I’d say good to see you, but it looks like I am your prisoner.” The light from her hand flared. Wren ground her teeth through the pain and shook her hand. “Care to tell me what you did to my hand?”

Cassandra moved closer to Wren. “Aidan? Cherianne? Were they with you?”

Wren’s posture dropped for a moment. Leliana watched as the persona melted away at the mention of others. Wren’s voice was barely audible. “They’re gone, Cass. I’m sorry. I know how you felt about Aidan.”

“Leliana, go ahead to the forward camp. Wren is no danger to us. She is-was a Seeker. We know each other well. Leliana, this is Valerie Trevelyan.”

“My name is Wren. Valerie died many years ago.” Cassandra walked Wren out into the daylight.

“Cass, what is happening? The sky torn open, this thing on my hand? I don’t believe in any of this nonsense about me stepping out of a rift. It was a dream or a shared hallucination.”

"It is better to show you, my friend.”

___

 

Wren woke again in strange surroundings. She’d been paraded through the paths in Haven and stood inside the Chantry, listening to the bickering of those around her. Her aggravation was mounting. “Enough! While you stand here bickering, there are gaping holes all around us where demons are pouring out. If any of you would care to take a look outside the big green ball of light in the sky it is nothing like the sun! Now, are you going to sit here and argue or do something about it?”

Cassandra, Leliana, Josephine and Cullen were stunned into silence. Wren lowered her voice and continued. “Now, if you four can play nice long enough to tell me what the next step will be, I will be on my way. Are we in agreement?” Cassandra covered her mouth to hide her smirk. Wren could be a serious bitch, but she got things done. “Excellent. Find me at the tavern when you agree on what damn day it is.” Wren slammed the door on her way out.

Leliana took note of Cassandra’s smile. “She’s spirited.”

“Is that what you call that sort of behavior? Thank you Leliana for being so diplomatic.” Josephine’s sarcasm was not lost.

“Valerie Trevelyan.” Cullen said. “The Seeker? I thought she died.”

“In a way, Cullen, she did. Wren will not answer to Valerie. I strongly suggest none of you address her so. I have known her a long time. She will see any task through to its end, even if she must sacrifice herself.  Until we know what to do next, I would suggest having her help train the soldiers.”

Wren walked past Varric on the way to the tavern. “Mind if I tag along? Anyone heading to the tavern at this hour is all right in my eyes.”

“I’m not heading there to drink, I just needed to get away from the four of them in the Chantry. This is as far as I can go without freezing my ass out there.” Wren gestured towards the woods across the lake.

“No problem, Wren. I can understand that. Wren isn’t your birth name is it?”

Wren regarded Varric, he wasn’t fishing so much as trying to strike up a conversation. “No it isn’t. It’s a nickname.” He wasn’t going to stop talking until he got the information.

“Why “Wren”? I know it’s a bird, but it seems odd choice, if you don’t mind me asking.”

Wren stared down Varric for a few minutes. “Tell you what Varric, I’ll let you make up any story you like about how I got the name. In return, you spread it far and wide so I don’t have to field that question any more. Sound fair to you?”

“I think I can do that for you.” Varric offered his hand and they shook on it. 

Wren sat down at a table with her back to the wall. Varric took note of this. _She can watch everyone who comes in and out and no one can surprise her from behind._ “All right, Wren. What drove you to the tavern at this hour if you didn’t come to drink?”

She didn’t answer, just stared at him as thought the answers to her questions were written on his face.

“You’re going to tell me sooner or later, I seem to have that effect on people. So, why not just say it now. Saves time.” Varric had one of those personalities. The kind that put you at ease and made you think twice before you shared your secrets.

“It’s nothing you probably aren’t thinking about yourself. Is this all happening and how did I end up here?”

Varric nodded. “Yea. None of this shit makes any sense.”

Varric watched as Wren rolled her eyes. “What is it?” He turned to see Cullen walk into the tavern. “Curly? He’s harmless. Never really comes in here though. Oh, he’s looking for you isn’t he?”

“The four of them must have decided what day it is, and want to start bickering if it is day or night and they want my opinion. Just put me back in the cell.”

Varric liked this woman. He could tell that there was more to her than she showed on the outside. No one is that guarded without reason.

 _Where are you going to go? Home? You have nowhere else to go. At least do something about this mess._   Against her better judgement, she called out to Cullen. “Commander! Looking for me?”

Cullen followed her voice and moved around the tables. _She chooses the furthest table in the back in full sight of the door. I would do the same. Our training shows in the simplest of actions._

"Lady Trevelyan, may I sit?” Wren gestured to the chair. “Varric, always a pleasure.” Cullen added.

 "You’re a terrible liar Curly. I was just leaving. We’ll talk again Wren, of that I am sure.” Varric added a hand waving flourish and left. Wren laughed slightly at the gesture. She caught herself and suppressed the smile.

 “Did you need something, Commander?”

 “Cassandra and Leliana are working on a few possible leads for you. In the meantime, I would be grateful if you might consider helping train the soldiers.”

 Cullen did not miss the look of disdain as he made the offer. Asking a Seeker to train soldiers was for all intents and purposes, beneath her.  “By your expression, I take that as a ‘no’."

 “That was unfair of me. I will do what I can. Thank you for including me. Lead and I will follow.” Wren stood and waited for Cullen. He led them out of the tavern and towards the gates. “I am sorry for your loss. I knew Aidan when he was in Kirkwall. I won’t say I understand how you must feel. Just that I am sad he is gone.”

 “Thank you, Commander.” Wren continued on in silence. “You can ask your question. I can see there’s something else you’d like to know.”

 “Actually, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind a demonstration, for the soldiers. I’ve been after Cassandra for some time to show what a Seeker is capable of, we could pull back on the strength of our abilities, just to show the soldiers what is possible with discipline.”

 “Our abilities?” Wren guessed that Cullen wanted to be the sparring partner. Cassandra never would agree to such a request.

 “Well, yes. I would be your sparring partner. I believe I can handle it.”

 Wren smiled. This could be fun. “All right, you have a deal.”

___

 Solas was shocked when he saw Wren carrying Cullen with the help of Varric and several others on a stretcher.  “Solas, I need your help. I knocked out the Commander and I can’t get him to wake. We were sparring for the soldiers and I faked a shield block, and sort of whacked him in the head with the shield.”

 Varric was laughing as he talked. “There is no sort of here, Wren. You laid him out. He never saw it coming.”

 “Cassandra is going to have my head for this. Will you be able to help him Solas?” Wren knew she had to find Cassandra and explain.

 “I believe so. The Commander will be fine. Perhaps finding Cassandra and explaining what happened might be the best course of action.”

 “Thank you, Solas. That is my plan.” Solas nodded.

 “I will send word when he wakes.”

Wren hurried off to find Cassandra. As she neared the Chantry, Cassandra walked into Leliana’s tent. Wren followed after her.

 “Is it true that you knocked out Cullen with a shield?” Leliana asked.

 “I apologize. He asked me to spar with him to show the soldiers certain techniques. I guess I lost sight of the training exercise and played to win. Cassandra, I am sorry, I won’t let it happen again.”

 Leliana laughed. “I would like to have seen it happen."

 “Leliana please.” Cassandra scoffed. “Wren, you know better. You have to be careful you don’t seriously injure someone. You used that shield block trick, didn’t you?”

 Cassandra remembered the first time Wren had used it.

  _“Cass, I hate the damn Storm Coast. Too much fucking rain!” Wren was miserable, they were searching for two Templars who had abandoned the Chantry. The Storm Coast was one of the leads they had received._

_“Wren, you really should try to curb the more colorful phrases from your speech. Aidan writes that you were left by Rivaini pirates and that is why you talk as you do.”_

_Cassandra and Aidan had been on and off for years. Mostly off. Aidan was the opposite of Wren. Unfocused and prone to wandering. Wren never understood what Cass saw her in twin._

_Wren spied several tents and a campfire setup. She motioned to Cassandra to flank from the left side. When Cassandra was in position. Wren hit the tent with her sword. “Rise and shine, boys. Time to face the Maker.” Cassandra scoffed at Wren’s speech. The two men rushed out of their tents and tried to knock them over. Wren had excellent balance and she was able to adjust herself to take the blow._

_The Templar tried repeatedly to knock her off balance._

_“Look, make this easy. I may be a woman, but I am not going to fall. Stop trying to knock me over. At that moment, Wren slipped on a slick stone. Her shield flew up and smacked the Templar in the jaw. He fell to the ground. “Cass, did you see that? I can’t believe that worked.”_

They’d both worked on that move repeatedly. Now, sadly Cullen had been on the receiving end.

 “Wren, it's fine. Just be nice to Cullen, especially if he is angry when he wakes.”

 “I will, and I’ll be more careful.” Wren left the tent and returned to Solas.

 “Lady Trevelyan. I was just about to send for you. The Commander is awake.” Solas opened the door for her to pass.

 Wren sat down across the room. “Nice shot. You’ll have to teach me that move.” Cullen said.

 “I am truly sorry. I unfortunately got a little carried away. How’s your head?”

 Cullen smiled. “My pride is more damaged than my head.”

 “I am sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?” Wren asked.

 “How about dinner?”

 “What? I mean, that’s not what I was expecting.”

 Cullen flushed. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean to talk about the training for the soldiers, remember? Not . . . not like a – Maker’s breath. Not that you aren’t . . . but. I’m going to stop talking now.”

 Wren inhaled slowly and apologized. “I seem to have messed this up as well. Commander, I would be honored to dine with you to discuss the training regimen. I apologize if I misunderstood, and will meet you at sundown in the tavern. All right?”

 “Thank you, my lady.” Cullen relaxed again.

 “No titles. Please? I’m just Wren. Until later then.” Wren returned to her own quarters. _Nice. Knock the man out in front of his troops and then embarrass him when he wasn’t asking you for a romantic dinner._

__

 At sunset, Wren ventured to the tavern to wait for Cullen. She was surprised to find him already there. He’d taken two tables and pushed them together to accommodate all of the papers he brought with him. He stood when she approached. “I hope this isn’t too overwhelming, I wasn’t sure what to bring.”

 They talked well into the night, discussing fortifications for Haven, training schedules and sharing stories of their respective time in the Order. Cullen was even able to get Wren to tell a few stories about working with Cassandra.  He enjoyed the fact that she, unlike the others, did not cringe when he talked about the trebuchets. Cullen was surprised when she asked to be included the next time he tended to them.

 When Wren finally admitted she was having trouble staying awake, she excused herself and thanked Cullen for the pleasant distraction. “Please let me know if I can help again, Cullen. I really liked being able to focus like this again. Thank you.”

Cullen stood as she got up from the table and walked her to the door. “Good night, Wren.”

Wren returned to her room and was happy for the first time in a while. She’d definitely made a friend.

Cullen returned to the table and gathered all his paperwork. As he left the tavern. Cassandra and Leliana watched him return to the tents. “Cassandra, do you think this could be a problem?”

“No, Leliana. There is no cause for concern. Wren will not pursue a relationship with anyone. There are far too many things in her past. She will be focused on the tasks in front of her."


	2. In Blue Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wren settles in to her missions in the Hinterlands. Her self doubt grows as she struggles to lead missions.

In Blue Shadows

Wren was able to clear the Crossroads in the Hinterlands; it finally gave the Inquisition somewhere to start. It seemed that everywhere they went, more requests for aid would surface. Some would have to wait, but Wren pushed herself and her companions to put the people first.

Sitting in camp, Wren finished her latest reports with Cassandra. For each one she sent, Leliana and Cullen would send three more. Cullen was constantly sending strategies and diagrams for her to review. Occasionally, he would drop ranks and offer info about the areas they were traveling to or places to look for as they moved around. Wren showed Cassandra a pile of reports on changes to the trebuchets, the combat techniques and Cullen’s ideas for more fortifications.  “He needs a hobby, Cass.”

“My friend, this is what he loves. It is his focus in life.” Cassandra offered.

“Cass. He needs a girlfriend or a castle siege.”   

“Are you applying for the position, Wren?” Cassandra asked.

“Cass, really? No, I enjoy his friendship. He doesn’t see me that way.”

___

Wren met The Iron Bull and the Chargers on the Storm Coast. She’d hired them on the spot. Cullen and Leliana would not be happy, but she needed the help. Bull and the Chargers were mercs meaning they were used to the jobs that no one wanted, as long as the pay was good.

She talked with Bull about his offer to join, the Ben-Hassrath and his men. She tried to keep a straight face as Bull continuously looked her up and down. “You know Bull, you keep looking me up and down like that, and I might have to smack you around a bit.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Bull laughed. “Sorry, have a thing for redheads; tall, well-built redheads.”

She was more interested in Bull’s Ben-Hassrath connection than his attention. She could see the benefits of the information flow and hoped Leliana would as well. Wren had heard about the Ben-Hassrath before she returned home the previous year. She planned to ask Bull more whenever there was time.

Bull and the Chargers were a welcome addition to the Inquisition. Cullen was only slightly angry. But he was impressed, which helped. Wren was in the war room planning their next move. Her rapport with the war council was improving; but there were still arguments as the Inquisition was starting to gain momentum in its quest to close the Breach.

“Lady Trevelyan, all we are saying is, use discretion.” Josephine was midway through another lecture. “I understand that you have to make difficult decisions, but that’s why we are here.”

Wren rolled her eyes. She saw Cullen smirk and then turn his head away. _He knows I’m right._

“Josephine, the Ben-Hassrath has within it one of the most elite spy networks in all Thedas. The information exchange alone was worth the risk to our reputation.” Leliana continued. “However, I will agree that you should trust us to help you make decisions.”

Wren was tired of the need to justify of her actions whenever the war council was in session.  “Then perhaps you should step away from the table and travel with me, to see first-hand what I experience.” Her tone was a little harsher than she intended. 

Cullen leaned forward resting his hands on the war table. “Fine. When you return to the Hinterlands, I will accompany you.”

Cassandra was not pleased. “Commander, I must protest. You are needed here, in Haven.”

“Lady Cassandra, we need to determine if Lady Trevelyan should be trusted to lead these missions. We have hired The Iron Bull, he may be better suited to lead or even you.” Cullen offered.

Wren stared at Cullen.

“Fine. We leave at dawn. Make sure you are prepared.” Wren was angry. She had the impression that Cullen supported her. To question her competence as he did felt like a betrayal.

Wren completely ignored Cullen on the journey back to the Hinterlands. Their goal was to clear out the King’s Road of both the Templars and the Apostate Mages to allow safe passage and open up the trade routes once again. Clearing out the Templars proved a little more difficult than first expected. Cullen was able to observe that Bull and Varric worked well together setting up targets. It wasn’t difficult to see that Bull could effectively lead inquisition missions. Solas provided support and offensive magic. He preferred to keep his distance from the immediate battle. Wren was often leading the charge putting herself between her companions and their adversaries. Cullen hung back to protect Solas from melee attacks, which gave him a good vantage point.

She had pushed her way up the embankment and found herself faced with three Templars. Able to hold their advancement against the party, Wren was beginning to tire unable to block the incoming blows and strike her targets with the same intensity.

Solas could see that Wren was outmatched by the three. “Commander, help the lady, she is losing ground!”

He turned and watched, she was fighting all three, however time does not stop and for each deflection she made, the other two would connect. Cullen could see she was tiring, but was amazed at her resilience _. The Seekers are well known for their focus. She’ll be angry that I helped, but this is ridiculous, she’s no good to us dead._

Cullen took to her right side. He used his shield between them allowing him full access to one of the Templars. Wren had already weakened them. Cullen cut down the first and moved to the next.

“I don’t need your help, Cullen.” Wren hissed. Cullen did not turn; he kept his focus on the Templar in front of him.

Within a few minutes the encampment was silent. Wren’s anger was just beneath the surface. She walked away without talking and down towards the river. She dropped her sword and removed her breastplate onto the river embankment and stuck her head into the running water. She let the cold water soak through her. The cold water helped clear her head and she stood there for several minutes.

Cullen told the others to head back to camp and they would follow shortly. Cullen returned to where Wren stood. “Wren? It’s Cullen.”

She turned. “I apologize. Thank you for helping.”

He looked everywhere but directly at her. “It’s ok, I know you are more than capable.” Cullen had never met Wren prior to the conclave. Her twin brother Aidan had spoken of her often when they served together in Kirkwall.

_“Your sister is a Seeker?  Quite the ambitious family there Aidan.”_

_Aidan laughed and shook his head. “Valerie is nothing like me. She can be a little harsh. I think our mother was relieved when Valerie insisted on becoming a Seeker after her Templar training. It saved her years of trying to find a suitable husband. Who would want a wife that would sooner knock you on your ass instead of stand there and look pretty?”_

_“So she isn’t? Pretty I mean?” Cullen asked._

_“My sister? Cullen, you wouldn’t be able to say three words without blushing so, just forget it. But yes, she has mother’s traits. Her hair is the same as mine, only she leaves it too damn long. She does that braiding thing that the women do? I can’t figure her out sometimes. But we’re twins, and as you may not be aware, I am devastatingly handsome. Seriously, though. She’s amazing. She’d be wasted on someone’s arm. Val is everything I am not.”_

Wren laughed. “We need to work on the shyness Commander. I have both an undertunic and a shirt. Trust me, you’re safe.”

Most of the time he could look past her femininity. She didn’t do all the embarrassing things other women did around him. That’s why he was so comfortable with her and Cassandra, but this was still embarrassing l.

Wren could see he still wouldn’t look at her and teased him.“So armor on then?” She asked.

Cullen flushed. “Maker’s breath, put the damn plate on, Wren.” He continued. “Come on, you know Bull’s going to go crazy when he sees you soaked like that. You know he talks about you quite a bit. Maybe?“

“Don’t try to be matchmaker, Cullen. I’m fine on my own. I have friends here. That’s enough.”

When they arrived at camp, Bull sidled up to Wren. “Hey Boss, next time you take a bath in a waterfall? Let me help", he said, walking away laughing.

__

The following morning, they set out in search of the Apostates encampment. Wren apologized to Cullen for her behavior the previous day.

“I envy how self-confident and unreserved you are, Wren. We are friends, but I still have eyes. Maybe keep the wet clothes to a minimum around me.”

“I can do that.” She pushed his shoulder. “Come on, let’s find these mages and finish this.”  
  
The Apostates stronghold was in Witchwood, the scattered notes and smaller encampments showed the way. Solas had proven invaluable to her, learning about skills and their impact. Normally, Wren would have been more concerned with trying to defeat so many mages, but a Templar in her party made her more at ease. She wasn’t without her own skills, all save one could be used safely with her party.

Wren and Cullen took the right with Bull and Varric on the left. Solas would remain back to assist. The cave opening was small whomever went in first would be vulnerable. Wren kept her voice low. “Can you handle this wide an area? I just need you to break any physical protections and I can get inside.”

Cullen’s head dropped. “I don’t think I can Wren, but I’ve got your back.”  

 The fight with the apostates proved brutal. Wren used every trick and tactic to keep the tide in their favor. Cullen was tiring, and Wren couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t using his templar abilities. Bull and Varric were still standing, but this was taking its toll. Wren decided she had to try the one thing she was afraid of using.   _I need to get Cullen out first before I try._ It had been almost five years since she tried to set lyrium aflame and the last time had ended in a severe failure. She knew that unless she tried, they would have to retreat and regroup and that could mean stronger defenses by the apostates.

“Bull! Varric! One of you over here now!”

Bull continued to swing at multiple targets while moving them towards Wren’s position. “We need to regroup!”

Wren dropped another mage to the ground. “No Bull, take Cullen and Solas. Get them out of here back to the upper tree line. Now!” Bull yelled for Cullen and Solas to retreat. Varric and Wren fought side by side. “Varric, any lyrium in your system or on your person? No bullshit, yes or no.”

“Never touch the stuff.”

“Get to the cave entrance. You’ll know when to get out.”

There were four mages left.  Wren took a deep breath and used her shield to deflect what she could. _Focus. Find the lyrium. Breathe. Blue shadows_. Wren saw the blue light under his skin. _Blue shadows. Boil._ She focused harder on the shadows. _Burn_. A tiny pinprick of light flared near the mage’s collar bone. It grew, outward following a map with no roads, a river of blue light and flame. The mage screamed. His scream was deafening as the lyrium inside him caught fire. Within seconds the second mage had started to flare.

“Oh, shit.” Varric could not believe the scene in front of him. Cullen had returned to the entrance. He was in pained shock as he witnessed the second mage burn followed by the third pierced by multiple pinpricks of light and the smell of burning flesh. He walked slowly forward. The fourth mage had begun to emit light from his skin as Varric yelled to Cullen.

“Cullen! You can’t be here! She’s igniting the lyrium. Get back here! Cullen!"

Wren heard Varric call out Cullen’s name. She turned around without thinking. Cullen’s eyes were locked on the mage as the flame consumed him.

“Maker, not again! _Not again!”_ Wren knees buckled and dropped her to the ground as she started the Chant. She rocked herself back and forth with each phrase, willing the flames to stop. She did not feel the arms around her carry her out of the cave.

Cullen sat with her, joined her in reciting the Chant. The rocking had slowed down and her breathing was normal again. _This was raw. Cassandra said it’s a very controlled process. Wren must have left the Seekers before she had control._

“How’s she doing, Curly?” Varric was concerned. He heard stories about this, but most had never witnessed it. Both of them heard her cry out. Neither addressed it.

“Better, I believe. I can’t tell if she’s asleep or awake.” Cullen said. He was still thinking about what he saw and heard. _What did she mean by_ _not again_?

Wren sat up. “I’m awake.  Is anyone injured? Where’s Cullen?!”

He put his hand on her shoulder and she turned around. She hugged him with a ferocity that nearly toppled him over. “You stupid bastard. I thought I had. . .you should have stayed away. I could have. . .”

“You didn’t. I’m fine. It’s a little hard to breathe Wren. Maybe loosen your grip?”

“I should not have done that, Cullen. You and Solas-"

“Get some rest, we’ll leave in the morning.”  He smiled and jerked his head in the direction of her tent. Go on. I’ve got your back.”

_____

When Cullen returned, he sought out Cassandra to gain insight into what he had seen.

“Cullen, I cannot help you. If you wish to know what happened to Valerie in her past, you will have to ask Wren yourself.”

“Then will you explain what I saw? You told me the process to effect the lyrium in the blood was a very controlled process, this was anything but controlled. Four mages, one after the other.”

“I cannot say, I will see what I can find out. Do you fear she could harm others?”

“No! No. I just wanted to understand.”

Whenever in Haven Wren would meet Cullen in the tavern. This night they sat pouring over troop assignments and planning the trip to the Fallow Mire to recover their lost soldiers.

Varric spotted the two talking and sat down. “You know, when you two sit with your heads bent over papers, it looks like you are plotting a coup. So when do we march on Orlais?”

“Orlais. Please, strictly amateur. Tevinter might be more fun. Except for the sand, and the beasts and don’t forget the magisters.” Wren looked to Cullen and winked. “Ok, maybe we start with Orlais.”

“So, Wren, don’t shoot the messenger, but I was asked to find out if you were with anyone?” Cullen’s face flushed. Wren pretended not to notice. “Varric, if you’re going to ask me to be your new girl, I don’t do threesomes. I can’t even think what one could do with a crossbow.”

Bull sat down between Wren and Cullen and leaned against the wall. “Trust me, I can.”

Cullen laughed and snorted. 

 “Nice, Tiny. I wasn’t asking for me. A certain Grey Warden asked me to find out.”

Wren put her head in her hands.  “No, I’m not in a relationship and right now there’s this giant green thing in the sky that needs to be closed. If we can do that? I’ll entertain the idea of letting someone get into my smalls. How’s that for an answer?”

Bull and Varric left the table laughing, and went to the bar for drinks.

 “Cullen, may I ask a personal question?” Wren was not trying to make him nervous but wanted to let him know where she was going.

He rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand. “Why would you . . .? I suppose it’s all right.”

“Relax, Cullen. I’m just curious if you ever do anything outside these reports and plans. Do you read, paint, write in a journal NOT about war plans? What about women or did you give total devotion to the order?”

Cullen coughed and sputtered his drink. “Did you just ask me about sex, Wren?”

“Cullen, I’m not offering. I just think it might be good to get out a little.”  Wren could see she’d made him uncomfortable. “I apologize, I didn’t realize this might upset you.”

Cullen turned it back on Wren. “With all due respect my lady; I don’t see you doing much fraternizing either.”

“I know. Maybe this isn’t the best topic for either of us. So back to proper subjects. I need a favor.”

“You have but to ask.” Cullen replied.

“I want to approach the Templars, not the mages for assistance. That’s not going to be popular. I need to know if you will support my decision.”

“Wren, you know I will. However, I do want to talk about what happened with the mages.”

“I don’t. I already apologized, Cullen. It won’t happen again. Please just have Josephine arrange it so that I can talk with the Templars.” Wren stood. “I’ll check with you in the morning.”

Cullen touched her arm “You know I am here if you want to talk, Wren.”

Wren turned on him. “Talk? Just like you told me you are no longer taking lyrium? You should have told me Cullen. That’s important don’t you think?  Cullen, just do your job. Get me in to see the Templars, so I can close the damn hole and disappear again.”

Wren left him staring after her.

___

Wren had changed after Therinfal. She did not join Cullen in the tavern, she did not talk with her companions. Wren spent any free time locked in her small quarters. The Envy demon had nearly broken her. Now, none of it mattered. It was time to close the breach.

Wren found Bull standing near the gates. “Do you have some time? I would like to talk with you about something rather private.” Bull’s gaze fell towards Cullen who was watching them both.

Bull smiled. “It’s about time you asked.”

Wren stared. “Not asking about sex, Bull. Please?”

For the first time since they had met, she was showing a vulnerability he had not seen.

“I need to know about reeducation. Can it erase memories?” Wren asked. “I just want to know how much a person remembers after reeducation.”

“Boss, I am not having this conversation. Come on I know how to help. You need to get your head right, Boss. Too many people counting on you. I know you think you can’t right now. Shit, this whole thing is enough to make anyone lose it. You want reeducation, I’m giving you one better.”

Picking up a practice staff, Bull tossed it to her. “Here. Don’t hold back.” He picked up another for himself. “Just so you know, I’m out to win.” 

Bull swung first.

Wren realized that he had almost every advantage over her; height, weight and strength. What he did not have was speed. His first swing nearly connected with her back. She crouched down the second time he swung and knocked the staff with hers sending him several steps backwards.

“Use it to block! Use the staff to block!“ Cullen was yelling directions to her. He was right. If she planted the staff before it reached her, it would block the blow. She successfully did so the next two swings, Wren needed to get on the offensive.

They circled each other.  “Hi and low, Wren!” Again, Cullen was right, she aimed high swinging her staff around, forcing Bull to duck only to swing low around his ankles. She caught him of balance and hit him center mass with both hands on the staff. He staggered. When Bull recovered he charged again. She threw a fake blow with both hands on the staff at his face. He pulled back enough for her to take the second hit and connected. “Ow. That fucking hurt. Ok, you wanna play? Let’s do this!”

Wren was ready. She slammed the staff down and propelled her body around in a circle until her feet connected with Bull’s chest. He fell back hard.

“That is enough!” Cassandra was not pleased.

Cullen moved to Cassandra’s side. “They were just sparring. I was watching the whole time, there was nothing to worry about, Lady Cassandra, I can assure you.”

Cassandra scoffed and walked away.

Wren held out her hand to Bull and helped him to stand. “Thank you.” She kissed his cheek. “I needed to feel that again.”

“This is who you are, Boss. You take the pain with the good stuff. The next time you need to work it through, find me. You should go talk with Cullen. He’s been worried about you.”

“After we take care of the breach.”


	3. All Good People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wren must push forward from Haven's destruction. The Inquisition must have a leader and plans are needed. Wren meets Hawke, and shares more of her past with Cullen.

_If we are to have a chance, if you are to have a chance let that thing hear you._

_Valerie. Get up. Val!_

“Aidan?” _Of course it isn’t Aidan. He’s gone. Just like Haven._ Wren was unsure of her surroundings. She could not stop the images running through her mind. _Corypheus. Dragon. The Anchor? Maker, none of it makes sense. What about the village? And what of the signal? A signal meant they made it out, right? Get up!_

Wren stood up and winced. _Ribs are just bruised, I think_. She sluggishly tried to move forward. There was pain, but not enough to stop her from pushing forward. Wren moved towards the only light source in front of her. _Hopefully leading to a way out of here. This network of tunnels, most are caved in, but as long as they were able to get out, that’s what matters._

Wren could feel the cold move through her. There was an exit somewhere up ahead. She could hear a wailing sound. _An animal? No, the wind. A fierce storm. Perfect._

___

“Are you suggesting we just sit here, Leliana? The mark is only way to close the breach. We cannot lose her.” Cassandra was furious. “Cullen, surely you can see that we must look for her.” He nodded and signaled to one of his men.

 _No embers. . . gone cold._ Shielding her eyes from the biting wind Wren pushed on. The trees bent towards her straining not to break under the wind’s strength. The mountainside around her in shadow, she blindly stumbled through the snow in hope of finding the others.

 “Wait, please both of you.” Josephine tried to intervene. “We should wait a little longer, at least until the storm breaks.”

Cullen shook his head and hit his fist on the table. “Cassandra?”

Cassandra nodded to Cullen. “Debate all you like. We’re going.”

Bull stood outside the advisors table. “So are you done talking? I’m going, even if you aren’t.”

Cullen gathered a few men to help Bull with torches.

_Embers? Still warm.  There’s a light up ahead. A little further. Maker, just a little further._

Cullen could not stand around any longer. He turned and left the camp. The wind had stopped. As he turned, he saw what looked like a figure in the snow. Then a flash of green. Wren! “It’s her! Quickly! It’s her!”  
  
Cullen moved as swiftly as the ankle deep snow would allow.

“Wren, can you hear me?” Cullen lifted up her head. “Wren?”

She opened her eyes. “Sorry, I’m late.” Her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed into his arms.

____

Skyhold was now their home. Wren did not mind the crumbling walls or constant stream of people. Even her new title of Inquisitor did not trouble her. What she did mind was their lack of movement. Wren was stuck while Leliana’s scouts finished their work. She had spent the last few days talking with each of her companions. Blackwall had proven to be helpful in the sense that he had given them clues to search for the Wardens on the Storm Coast. The information recovered was useful, but not what they truly needed. Varric had provided an additional distraction. Garrett Hawke. Champion of Kirkwall.

“So Varric, do I curtsey or kiss his ring?”

“Hang onto that sarcasm, you’ll need it. With Hawke, he’ll either piss you off or have you on your back within five minutes.” Varric laughed at his own witty take on his friend, until he saw Wren’s face. “You should really work on that sense of humor, Wren. Might make you less scary.”

Wren bent slightly to whisper in Varric’s ear. “I prefer scary, keeps the assholes at bay.”

“You have a point.” Varric led her to a secluded spot on the battlements. “Wren Trevelyan, meet Garrett Hawke.”

Varric stood off to the side and let them speak. He noted the exchange of pleasantries, the usual banter. Varric’s fear was that Wren’s short temper and Hawke’s uncanny ability to piss people off would collide within his five minute prediction. Unfortunately, Varric had been wrong, it was ten minutes.

“Don’t pull that shit with me. If you had killed Corypheus, this would not be happening!” Wren was just inches away from his face. “You couldn’t just leave it alone, you had to free the damn thing! You mages never think, do you?!” Hawke pushed Wren away from him. She grabbed his left wrist and tried to push him into a submission hold. He countered and threw her back into the wall.

Varric heard the soldiers shout for Cullen and assistance. Hawke was not backing down. He moved towards her and she turned before he could connect. Wren landed a left hook only to be caught by Hawke and pinned against the wall. Hawke crushed his lips to hers. She bit down on his bottom lip. He pulled back as Cullen and several soldiers came running. Hawke held her there, daring Wren to continue. Wren simply stared into Hawke’s eyes.

Hawke stepped back. “I don’t know if I should take you to bed or knock you out, Inquisitor.”

Wren smiled. The first right blow broke Hawke’s nose and the second brought him to one knee. “Does that answer your question?” Wren turned and pushed her way past Cullen and the soldiers.

“Inquisitor?”

“I’m fine. See to Hawke. He requires your attention.”

Cullen followed Wren as she returned to her quarters. She stormed through the great hall to her quarters with Cullen close behind. Leliana and Cassandra were also heading to his position. Cullen held up his hand and they stopped.

He followed her in and found her standing just inside the door. “I apologize. I let my anger get the better of me.” She paced and then stopped. “On second thought, forget what I just said. He deserved the broken nose. I am not sorry I did that. He never should have kissed me.” Wren picked up an empty mug and hurled it against the wall.  

He stood still not wanting to intrude but wanting to somehow give whatever comfort she needed. “What is this all about Wren? Certainly not Hawke? Corypheus was the mistake of the Wardens. They never should have thought he was under control. Wren, what’s done is done. We need your head here and now.”

“I know. I’m having a harder time separating myself from the Templars versus Mages argument.”

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me for some time? Does my Templar past bother you?”  

“No. It may seem out of character, but I like our meetings in the tavern. I look forward to them. But it’s true I’ve been avoiding you, and I’m sorry, Cullen. Do you have some time now?” Wren asked.

“Of course. Was there something you needed?”

“I think it’s time we talked.” She said.

Wren led Cullen up the rest of the way. She pulled a chair over to her desk and motioned for him to sit. Grabbing her desk chair, she sat opposite him.

“It was some years ago that I met Bastien. He was a Seeker from Orlais. He was a few years younger than I. I knew any kind of emotional attachment was a bad idea. But I didn’t listen. We were involved, even talked about leaving to marry. The short story is, after he. . .died, I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything.“

“I’m sorry. It saddens me to think that you…”

“If you would prefer I stop, please tell me.”

Cullen smiled. “Please, continue.” Cullen tried to push aside his personal thoughts. Leliana offered counsel to him that he needed to let Wren know how he felt. After hearing this, he couldn’t say a word.

“I had been tasked with a mission to track down several apostates in Jader. Cassandra accompanied me along with Bastien. Cassandra suspected complacency on the part of several Templars to be the cause of the disappearance. She had gone to the local Chantry for more information and I took Bastien with me to talk with some of the townspeople. We’d discovered two possible locations where the apostates might be hiding. Armed with the information from the locals, he and I split up to investigate the two possible hiding places. My location was a dead end. I went to join Bastien at his location.”

Valerie could see that there was some kind of fight in the sea cave up ahead. She quickly joined the fight. Bastien had taken down one of the mages but was not able to stand against the Templar and mage fighting together. She had one option. Set the lyrium aflame. Cassandra was far more skilled at doing so, but Valerie could not wait.

“I had been getting better at pinpointing the lyrium in a person’s body. I could usually keep the fire contained.” Wren inhaled deeply and slowly let the air drain from her lungs. Cullen’s expression softened as her lip quivered slightly. Wren pressed her lips together. He put his hand atop hers.

“Do you want to stop? You don’t have to continue, Wren.”

“No Cullen, I need to tell you this.” He nodded.  “I started with the first mage, I thought it was going to be all right, but then it spread to the Templar. I forgot about the lyrium in his system. Bastien was left standing. Until I saw the flash of blue light at his neck.” Wren’s voice dropped to a hint of its former self. “I didn’t know Bastien still-“ Wren put her head in her hands.

“He still took lyrium. “ Cullen said. “I’m so sorry Wren.”

Cassandra entered the room. “My friend, you were not to blame. I had hoped you could forgive yourself by now.” Cassandra continued. “Wren left the Seekers, she was not expelled or disciplined. I apologize for intruding, I wanted to be sure you were well.”

Wren wiped her tears away. “I am Cassandra. But forgiveness will never change what happened. Bastien had a younger sister, she was ten or eleven years old. Their parents had died during the Blight. Bastien took care of his younger sister, sending her whatever she needed. When I took his life, she was left with nothing. I made sure she had everything she needed, including a family to watch over her. I, in turn took her name, Renne, I just changed it. I promised I would never forget what I had done and I left the Seekers.”

“Forgive me, my friend. But I have seen enough of this Wren. I believe it is time for Valerie to return to you and to the Seekers.” Cassandra said.

“I am not quite ready, Cass. Perhaps in the future.”

“Of course, I did not mean to push you.” Cassandra put her hand on Wren’s shoulder. “As to the affair on the battlements? Fair warning. Josephine is beside herself over the Hawke incident. He’s in the Herald’s Rest. If you are up to it, an apology might be a good idea.”

“A moment, Cass, why do I have to apologize? Is it because I hit him? Why is his behavior acceptable?”

“His behavior is not acceptable. He has been warned as such. However, we need him to find the Warden and to secure his help with Corypheus. You are the Inquisitor. It falls to you to secure his allegiance, even if you do so under protest.” Cassandra turned to leave and then paused. “I would have done the same in your place and I told him as much. Hawke is a smug bastard, but he truly wants to help.”

“Fine. Tell Josephine I will apologize but do so under protest.” Wren was not happy, but she would do as Josephine requested.

“I agree with Wren, Hawke acted inappropriately. “  Cullen said. “I will accompany Wren to the Herald’s Rest, Cassandra. Let her regroup a little while longer.”

Cassandra nodded and excused herself. “No fist fights, this time, my friend.”

Wren tried to smile.

“You don’t have to apologize.  We can just go to the Rest as we usually do and talk, or do nothing at all.” Cullen offered.

“You mean we actually sit down and spend time without pouring over reports and plans. Wren and Cullen get to know each other? “

Cullen felt his face grow hot. _Just ask her already_. “I was actually thinking, Cullen and Valerie get to know each other. If that’s all right with you?”

She said nothing. Cullen tried to quickly fix things. “I’m sorry, Wren. I didn’t think. It’s just . . . never mind.  I apologize if I upset you.”

“No, I’m not upset. Just not sure what to say.” She stood. “I think I’d like that. But another night. Please just help me get through an apology.” She was surprised that after everything she said, he still wanted to be around her.

“Then let’s go make this apology, Wren. Just let me know when and if you want me to interfere.” Cullen gestured towards the staircase.

“Val. Aidan used to call me Val. I think I would like it if you did too.”

“All right, Val. Perhaps we’ll keep it between us, until you’re ready. Let’s go, how did you put it?  Kiss his ring and apologize?”

____

The Herald’s Rest was almost empty. Cullen saw Bull in the back corner and he waved them over. “Hey Boss. Heard you really clocked Hawke. Proud of you.”

“Don’t be. I lost my temper, again. I just need to go apologize and then we can move on. You’re coming with me to Crestwood, Bull. So be ready in the morning.”

“No problem. Varric and Hawke are upstairs. There’s nobody else up there right now.” Wren led the way to the second floor. As Bull had said, Varric and Hawke sat alone at a table.

“Come to finish the job, Inquisitor?” Hawke asked. Wren felt Cullen’s hand on her back. Such a simple gesture of support. It helped.

“No. I came to apologize. You came here to help and I insulted you. I had no right to judge your actions, I wasn’t there to understand what happened. I would prefer we can move on from this. I plan to leave for Crestwood in the morning.”

“So is this where we kiss and make up?”  Hawke asked. “You seem so angry all the time. When was the last time you were good and truly kissed? Without the biting?”

Cullen’s hand left her back.  She turned around, surprised at the loss of contact. She saw something change in his face. He was tense, his fists clenched tight. He looked at her, and for a moment his eyes softened, and then Cullen walked away. “Varric, I believe Hawke has worn out his welcome.” Wren went in search of Cullen. She saw Cullen climb the steps to the battlements. “Cullen, wait please!”

She caught up to him at the top of the stairs. “Cullen, what happened? Why did you leave?”

“You really have no idea, do you?” He walked away from her.

_____

“Why do you have to be so stubborn? Just listen to what I am saying.” Cullen was leaning against the wall. They’d been arguing for the previous hour about Wren’s field reports.

“Why? Because you are the Commander of the armies? You automatically have a better sense of what is out there?” Wren never embellished in her reports nor did she omit information. Normally, Cullen was appreciative of her attention to detail and thorough reports.

Wren was giving it right back to him. “You’re just angry that it worked.” Wren and her party captured Caer Bronach. Cullen objected to her tactics. Wren had tried to convey that there was no other way to enter. All other outside entrances had been blocked. They had to use the front door.  Cullen disagreed. He wanted her to review all her options before running straight in to danger.  

“I’m angry because you take unnecessary risks, Val.” He sighed. “I’m concerned as your advisor. If Alistair is right, the Wardens will not be able to help us. Have you reconsidered talking with Dorian? Leliana and Josephine think he could be helpful with the Venatori.”

“Bull’s been after me to talk with him as well. I’ll set it up. We’ll need time to prepare before we can head to the Approach.” Wren said.

“Do me a favor. Try to keep this conversation civil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special Thanks to Tymber and Kelsi for the awesome beta work.  
> Edits on 9/19 are to fix the character set for later on.


	4. All By Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wren finds another ally in Dorian as she struggles to understand her friendship with Cullen. The Inquisition must face the Winter Palace and travel to the Western Approach to take on the Wardens at Adamant Fortress.

Chapter 4 All By Myself

 

 Before Corypheus and the Venatori attacked Haven, Dorian Pavus had warned the Inquisition. He’d stayed, according to Varric, to be a part of something bigger than himself. A noble sentiment. Wren had lived in the Tevinter Imperium cities of Qarinus and Minrathous. She’d fought in the Proving Grounds in Minrathous for the better part of a year. She’d done well, and had been able to support herself and Bastien’s younger sister. She wasn’t proud of her time there, but it allowed her to forget about the events that took place in Jader.

Dorian sat reading a book in a high wing back chair, reminding Wren of a king’s throne. “So, you finally decide to stop and say hello, Inquisitor? Or perhaps you prefer ‘The Siren of Steel’? Bull might enjoy that little gem.”

Wren frowned. “I don’t care who you tell. When your family no longer wants to acknowledge your existence, you do what you have to.  Wouldn’t you agree, Dorian, son of Halward.”

 "So you know of me as I know of you. Should we kiss and become best friends?”

Wren leaned against the wall and pressed her lips together. “The last person who kissed me ended up with a broken nose.” Wren could see Leliana hovering nearby. _She’s making sure I’m on my best behavior, no doubt._

Shifting in his chair Dorian laughed. “So I heard. I believe there is a wager at the Rest as to who you will beat up next. My money is on Cullen, but the favorite right now is Bull.”

Wren lowered her voice to a near whisper. “So because the Maker saw fit to bless me with breasts I’m supposed to let anyone do what they want to me? This isn’t Tevinter, Dorian. I don’t belong to anyone.”

He smirked leaning back. “You are an angry one aren’t you? Wait, that was cruel. I know why you went to Minrathous. I heard the rumors; you didn’t go to the Proving Grounds to win _Valerie_ , you went to die. But you didn’t. So perhaps you do have a greater purpose ‘Siren of Steel’, and it is not trying to fight everyone who tries to talk with you. You don’t have to like me, but I can help you and the Inquisition.”

Wren wanted to say so many things to Dorian; what she knew from her time in Qarinus, the murmurs, the rumors anything to deflect the things he said. “Welcome to the Inquisition, Dorian and my name is Wren.” She turned to walk away.

“No, it isn’t. Sooner or later, you’ll need to come to terms with it.”

___

When the party returned from the Western Approach, the realization of what Corypheus wanted from the Wardens weighed heavily on the war council. Taking Adamant Fortress would require planning and resources that would take time. There were pressing issues almost everywhere in Thedas.

She spent weeks clearing out the Exalted Plains and Emprise du Lion, and the war council had decided to address the issue with the Empress before taking on Adamant. It would give Josephine and Cullen more time to gather allies and manpower.

Wren was unsure what to do next. She found herself wandering into Cullen’s office after their meeting had concluded.

Cullen did not look up from his reports. “Something on your mind, Val?”

She sat down on one of the ladder rungs leading to his loft. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, it is barely sunset and you’re in my office. Usually, you wait until the evening to unload whatever is on your mind.” Cullen smiled as he continued to review his reports.

“Do I really do that to you? I’m sorry. Actually, I was thinking about something you said before I left for the Approach. What did you mean when you said ‘you really have no idea’? It’s really bothered me for some time, and I feel like a missed something important.”

Cullen stopped reading and looked at her. “That was a few months ago and it’s not important, Val.”

“It was at the time, and I didn’t listen. I’m sorry. I guess that’s all I wanted to say. I’m not very good at this, am I? Relating to you or anyone else or talking for that matter. Although I have not hit anyone in months, so at least I’ve improved in a small way.”

Cullen sighed and sat on the corner of his desk. “Val, out with it already, why are you here?”

She was shocked at his tone. “I wanted to say . . . never mind. I see now that I’ve disturbed you, Commander. I apologize.” She hopped off the ladder and left.

Cullen tossed the report onto his desk. “That went well.”  Cullen shook his head and sat down at his desk.

Cullen waited at the Rest for Val at least several hours. When she did not show he tried her quarters. “Val? I waited for you, but you did not show.” He stood at the top of the steps, not wanting to intrude.

She sat opposite the fire place, staring into nothing. Her voice was strained and quiet. “I lost track of time but I thought that maybe you wouldn’t be there, so I didn’t go. I guess I finally figured it out, but it’s not important at the moment.”

“Why would you think I would not be there? I haven’t missed one yet.”  Cullen took a step up and leaned against the wall. “So what did you figure out? Are you ready to be Valerie again or join the Seekers? Either one of those is extremely important for you to embrace and for the Inquisition. ”

“Perhaps.”  Standing up, she smiled. “Tomorrow Josephine wants to help me remember how to be a lady. If you want a good laugh, stop by and watch. I guess I should go now and make an appearance at the Rest, right? Care to join me?”   

Cullen waited for her to reach the stairs. “Maybe tomorrow, Val.” 

“Cullen, I know this is too little at this point, but take this however you see fit.” She kissed his cheek and then rested her forehead against the side of his head for a second. Her voice a mere trace, “I care for you, too.”

Feeling the heat rise in his neck and face, Cullen said nothing as she left him standing there. She stopped at the first door. “I’m sorry. Time to introduce Valerie to the group, I think.”

___

The news of her preferred name had been received relatively well until Dorian had added that he preferred ‘Siren of Steel’ to Valerie. Bull could not stop making comments, which of course attracted Varric and Hawke, which in turn led to even more of her companions joining the fun. Varric threatened to use the nickname “Siren” until she nearly went after his hand with a fork.

“I get the point, Wren. I’ll stick with Wren, the rest of them can deal with your name. Besides, I like my cover story. ” Varric winked. “Let’s just say it involves a little girl, a kitten stuck in tree, a bird’s nest and three snarky Templars who end up with bloody noses.” Varric said with a smile. She shook her head, but patted his shoulder in appreciation.

Bull grabbed her shoulders. “So let’s talk about this ‘Siren’ thing. Minrathous, huh? You are a real badass. I like it, boss. You and me – we should be a team.” Valerie rolled her eyes and saw Cassandra attempt to catch her attention.

Cassandra beckoned for Valerie to join her with Josephine. “Excuse me.”

“Hey Boss! Come on, think about it! The Iron Bull and the Siren of Steel! It’s hot!”

“Sounds like one of Varric’s serials, Bull. I’ll pass.” She smiled and went to sit next to Cassandra. “Cass, I am going to string up Dorian for bringing that stupid name up.”

Josephine tapped her chin. “Actually, Lady Inquisitor, if you were particularly popular, it could be an advantage for us. You no doubt had admirers, and those could be turned into allies.”

Valerie tried to put her best smile forward. “Not a good idea Josephine. I fought in a ring for money. People died. Not the best image for the Inquisition.”

“Yes, I see your point. Commander Cullen, you’re out terribly late!” Josephine gestured for him to join them.

Cullen held up his hand to decline. “Do you have a moment Val?”

Valerie turned around. “Was there something you needed?”

He leaned in to keep his voice low. “I thought we could talk, alone.”

Valerie was confused but left her chair and pulled him aside. “Alone? Of course.”

She followed Cullen out of the tavern, near the side stairwell. “Val, I. . . “He sighed.

“Cullen, what’s wrong?”

“I do care for you. . .” Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, Aidan was right, I can’t get out more than just a few words.”

“You talked with Aidan about me? When?”

Cullen moved closer to Valerie and stroked her arms with his hands. “Years ago, in Kirkwall. He told me how amazing you were, how beautiful you were and that I wouldn’t be able to get out three words without blushing.”

“Maybe we should stop talking about Aidan, Cullen.” She could tell that he was nervous. She tried to reassure him by meeting his eyes. Valerie pulled him closer and put her hands on his chest. He searched her face. “I’m here, Cullen.”

Cullen caressed her cheek and chin. “It seems too much to ask, but I want to.”

Varric and Bull watched the two kiss from their vantage point just outside the tavern door. “I win. Pay up,” Bull said.

“What do you mean, you win? The wager was who she would hit next, not kiss, Tiny.”

Bull laughed. “Close enough. Pay up.”  
___

The following morning Valerie was subjected to the worst possible thing she could imagine. Josephine’s instruction on courtly etiquette and proper behavior.

“May I ask why I have to wear this? We’ll be in formal attire, not gowns.” Valerie was seriously uncomfortable. The last time she wore an actual gown was around the age of ten.

Josephine ignored her complaints. “This is an Orlesian style gown, and the dark green color brings out your hair and eyes, perfectly. Besides, you need to practice dancing. If you can do so in this, you will shine in your formal attire.”

Josephine, Leliana and Valerie were in her quarters. It was the largest space available that was also private.

“Lady Inquisitor, the Game is difficult at best, a catastrophe at worst. There are simple ways that you can navigate through the evening. Remember to smile, gently. Even in the face of an adversary.”

Leliana joined them. “You must remember that opinions are to be kept to yourself. Never offer one, simply answer by asking a question in return. You must endeavor to hide your natural annoyance of people. That will be noticed. Flatter, do not judge.”

Josephine took Valerie’s shoulders. “Most importantly never be absolute. You do not know, you are ‘curious’. You do not think, you ‘wonder’. This will be critical in your dealings with the members of the court.”

Cullen and Cassandra joined them. “It may be better not to speak at all, Valerie and have nothing sharp.” Cassandra said.

Cullen rolled his eyes. Josephine pointed at him. “For the love of Andraste, do not do that. You will set us so far back, we’ll never be invited back again.”

Crossing his arms in defiance, Cullen responded, “I have no problem with that, Lady Ambassador. The whole affair is simply ridiculous. No one speaking true, all those machinations and absolutely nothing gets done. I shall leave you lovely ladies to your duties.  Cullen approached Valerie and bowed in an exaggerated fashion. She bit her lip to keep from laughing. He offered her his hand. “My lady?”

She gave hers and he barely brushed his lips to her hand. When he stood he smiled. “You’re supposed to bend your knee slightly in acknowledgement when I do that, Val. Ladies, you have more work to do.” He winked at her, turned on his heel and left.

Josephine fumed. “Do you know what is infuriating? The Commander knows exactly how to act; he simply refuses to do so.”

Leliana patted Josephine’s shoulder. “He’s Ferelden, Josie. You should be used to that by now.”

__

Valerie had survived Halamshiral, barely. Had it not been for Josephine and Leliana, she could not have navigated the dangers in the ballroom. Had it not been for Varric, Dorian and Vivienne, she would not have survived the Duchess’ plot. She gained another ally, Morrigan, and was looking forward to leaving as soon as they were able. She stood alone on the balcony thinking of her sister.

 _This was your dream, not mine_. _The palace. No place for a mage, little one_. Cherianne was almost seven years younger than she. The only reason Valerie had returned was because of Cherianne’s plea. The events in Kirkwall had shaken her. Aidan had survived, but barely. He left Kirkwall after the uprising and returned to Ostwick.

“You know everyone is looking for you, Val.” Cullen’s voice cut through her memory. 

She fought back the sadness that started to take hold. Cullen joined her at the railing. “Val? Are you all right?”

Val tensed her shoulders and gripped the railing. “No, I think I am far from all right. This night has been a senseless waste of life. Celene is still Empress, but Gaspard and Florianne will die for their crimes, and Briala will be banished. How does any of this make sense?”

Cullen simply squeezed her hand and leaned gently into her. She did the same. They stood in silence for a few minutes. “I was worried about you, tonight.”

“You worry too much.” She pushed him gently with her shoulder.

He chuckled. From deep inside the palace ballroom, musicians began again. “I may never have this opportunity again, or perhaps the nerve to ask, but may I have this dance, my lady?” He bowed and extended his hand to her.

Valerie took his hand. “I’m wearing armor.”

Cullen smiled. “I’m wearing this ridiculous thing. I think I win.”

She laughed and let him pull her closer. “You’re right. You win.”  

___

Adamant Fortress. Since the Blessed Age, it had been abandoned by the Wardens. Now it served as the place they were make their stand. The Inquisition had the numbers and the allies to take the fortress and stop Corypheus’ plan to enslave the Wardens. Valerie had Alistair and Hawke as well as Cassandra, Cole and Solas. Valerie knew Blackwall wasn’t happy, but she couldn’t take the chance of something happening to him. Cullen’s forces had begun to take the walls the trebuchets had weakened. The main gate breached, Cullen approached Valerie and the party.

“The way is clear, Inquisitor, we’ll hold them back as long as we call. See if you can take the battlements!”

Valerie did not see the point to have his forces risk loss of life. “Keep your forces safe!”

“Just go! We’ll do what we have to!” He motioned with his head for her to go. “Hawke and Alistair are already inside!”

The fight to the top included another appearance of the Red Lyrium Dragon. In their haste to catch up to Warden Commander Clarel, they found themselves cut off atop one of the battlements. Clarel was dead.

The stones beneath them began to crumble. As they fell towards the large rift, Solas called out to her.  
“Open it now!”  

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Tymber and Kelsi for the insight, suggestions and invaluable beta work!


	5. Eyes Are Too Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adamant, the Fade, a revelation and a decision. Any of one of those could be overwhelming, until Cullen hears only half truths and rumors. Adamant could be the turning point for the Inquisition, but the beginning of the end for Valerie and Cullen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Kelsi and Tymber for the insight, corrections and support.

“Oh, shit.  This is the Fade. Maker’s blood.” _Then it is true. This is where I was before I was brought to Haven. I remember this. This feels the same, not real but in between._

Cole shook his head. “This feels the same, not real but in between. This is wrong. I can’t be here.”   

Cassandra was talking to her but Valerie could not hear her. “Valerie? Do you remember this place?”

“I don’t know! I don’t remember anything.” _Lie. You do remember. You do remember, don’t you?_

Valerie moved towards Solas. “Inquisitor?” Solas’ expression showed he saw her fears.

She kept her voice low. “We can’t stay here, Solas. I know this place. I was here. Help me to get everyone out.”

“You assume, Inquisitor, that I am immune to the Fade’s mysteries. I am not. I will offer that you must hold on to that which is most real to you outside of the fade. Do not give in to images or voices you will hear. The anchor will draw spirits to you. I believe you possess the strength to return the party home safely.”

Valerie’s encounter with Justinia’s spirit and the return of her memories piece by piece was taking its toll. The Nightmare addressed her.

_Wren. It is Wren now isn’t it? How many more will fall to your uncertainty? Valerie failed, did she not? You think to bury her do you? Do your companions see the scars beneath your skin as well? How can you save anyone when you are crippled by the fear of your own name?_

“Just keep talking so I can find you!” Valerie called out.

The nightmare continued to taunt the party members as they moved towards the rift. Valerie searched her memory for something to ground her as they moved through the Fade.

As she recovered the rest of her memories the rest of her resolve started to unravel. _I never thought I was chosen. But this anchor was all a mistake; I’m just as I was - nothing. I’ve failed again._

“Inquisitor?” Solas tried to get Valerie’s attention. She walked on in a daze.

“Valerie!”  Cassandra pulled on her shoulder and Valerie pulled away.

Hawke pushed through the small group and grabbed her face and kissed her. _Maker’s blood!_ She pushed him away and slapped him. “Stop doing that!

Hawke laughed. “At least you finally woke up. We can try that again if you like.”

Valerie reared back again and Hawke caught her wrist. He kept his tone low and even. “Listen to me; you are losing yourself in here, Inquisitor. Take that anger and let us end this now. Agreed?”

 _Let us end this now. That’s how you focus._ Valerie smiled to herself. _Cullen._

_“Are you sure you want to do this Cullen? I don’t want to hurt you, after all.”_

_“Wren, it’s a sparring demonstration nothing more. You won’t even touch me.” Cullen said. He raised an eyebrow at her and smirked._

_“I’m going to wipe that smug little smirk off your face, Commander.”_

_“Let’s see what you’ve got, Seeker.” Cullen replied as he laughed._

_Cullen was good; he’d be able to interrupt several of her advances. She was only using the flat of her blade as she did not want to injure him. Cullen had insisted on regular blades, not the practice ones._

_She decided to use additional techniques. She rushed him. Cullen, not expecting the move, momentarily lost his balance. He countered, but she was able to dodge the shield he moved in her direction._

_“So, playing to win are you, Wren?” Cullen teased._

_“Cullen, I always win.” Wren countered._

_“Then let us end this now.” Cullen said._

_“Enough talking, already, knock him on his ass!” Varric yelled._

_Cullen advanced and pressed Wren on her weaker side. Her shield work was good, but he was pushing her far left side, her weak spot. She narrowed her eyes at him when she realized he knew how to best her. She countered by turning into his sword, she knew her armor would absorb some of the blow, and that he was not using full strength. She stepped back and turned into his blow. She was wrong. His sword was blocked by the right shoulder plate, but it still hurt considerably. She cried out before she could stop herself._

_Cullen’s face registered shock as his sword made contact with her shoulder. “Maker’s breath, what are you doing?”_

_“Breaking your concentration.” Wren lifted the shield and hit it against the ground. Cullen followed the motion to judge his next move.  She wrenched the bottom of the shield upwards and caught his chin sending his head backwards and knocking him on his back._

_She could hear Varric and Bull laughing behind her._

_“Cullen!” She dropped her gear and ran to him. “Cullen can you hear me? Maker’s blood! Cullen, please open your eyes!”_

Valerie shook the memory free. She approached the Nightmare’s lair. “I have had enough of you; it’s time to end this.”

Valerie fought the Aspect of the Nightmare with a renewed sense of self _. My name is Valerie Serena Trevelyan. I was born in 9:11 Dragon._   _I was given to the Chantry and trained in the Order until I was thirteen years old._ The nightmare sent his minions for the first wave. _I am a Seeker and I will restore order to Thedas._ She continued to meet the Nightmare each time he moved. _My twin brother Aidan and my sister Cherianne died at the Conclave._ The Nightmare sent more waves of his minions. _Corypheus took my family._ The Nightmare was weakening from the repeated blows of her party. _I will destroy him._ “But first I will destroy you.”

The Aspect of the Nightmare had been defeated.

Hawke watched Valerie catch her breath and stow her sword. The smile that spread across her face was something new. He caught her eye. She met his gaze without her usual contempt for him. She nodded a gesture he had seen with Templars and Seekers alike; a silent acknowledgement of thanks. Seeker Valerie Trevelyan had returned. Whatever had claimed her before was gone.

The large spider was returning to their position, Justinia’s spirit or whatever it was had succeeded in buying them only a little time.

“Everyone to the rift now, Solas see them through!” Valerie called out.

Solas nodded and directed the others towards the rift.

Valerie turned to face the creature. “Both of you go, I will hold this thing off.”

Alistair and Hawke both protested her decision. “Inquisitor you can’t, you need to seal the breach. I will stay.” Alistair said.

Hawke disagreed. “No, Warden, you need to fix this mess. Fix the Wardens. It will take your leadership to help them succeed.”

“Hawke. . .” Valerie tried to find the right words. _What does one say to a man willing to sacrifice his life for those he hardly knows?_ _Nothing_. Valerie pulled him into her embrace. She covered his mouth with hers, the shock he felt quickly disappeared and he met her with his own ferocity. She pushed away and smiled. Hawke knew there was nothing behind the kiss, other than her desire to leave him knowing that he had worth.

“Thank you for that Valerie. Cullen is a very lucky man. Tell him if I get out of here, he’s got a fight on his hands. Now go.”

Valerie ran and jumped through the rift, Alistair close behind.

__

Valerie did not return to her companions. She instead stayed with the soldiers who fought within Adamant. Several of her companions came to take her back to camp but Valerie did not acknowledge them. After some time had passed, Solas sat next to her without saying a word.

Valerie looked to see him next to her. “Can I go back and bring Hawke out? No poetry, Solas. Yes or no.”

“Inquisitor, I do not know. In theory, if he survived, yes. It might be possible. But to force the Veil open to enter the Fade physically would have unforeseeable consequences. The Veil is not a physical barrier. It is a magical thought, a vibration that separates us from the Fade. You could cause another breach or even be lost within the Fade without a means to return.”

“Solas, come with me please.” She rose and as Solas followed he spoke hurried words to several who ran in the direction of the camp at his words. Valerie returned to the place of the giant rift before it had been closed. “I can still feel it here, Solas.” Valerie said.

Solas walked closer to her. “Perhaps I misunderstood you, Inquisitor. You can feel the Veil? That is remarkable. Are you sure?” _It is possible that a tear still lingers; the battle, the blood magic and the spirits that linger within Adamant. I cannot allow her to proceed_.   

Valerie used the anchor in the same spot where they came through. Solas could see the tear in the Veil.

“Inquisitor you must stop.” Solas warned. “I cannot say what may happen if you continue.”

Valerie continued to open the Veil more as the Fade could be seen through the tear. “I can’t just leave him there, Solas. That is not the Fade that Hawke should be consigned to in death.”

A small group ran into the courtyard. Cullen, Dorian and Bull followed by Varric and Cassandra. Cassandra tried to hold the group back but Cullen and Dorian pushed passed her. They stood close enough to hear or interfere if needed. Cullen watched as Dorian primed some sort of magic.

“Dorian, what are you doing?” Cullen hissed.

“I’m preparing this as a precaution, Cullen. There is a noticeable change in the behavior of the Inquisitor; I want to be sure we are not caught off guard.”

“I can assure you, Dorian. That is Valerie, not some demon.”

“Are you sure?” Dorian asked.

“I know her Dorian. I am confident that it is Valerie.” Dorian nodded and stopped his actions.

 Solas frowned. “Inquisitor, I will not ask politely the next time. Stop now. Do you love Hawke so much that you are willing to risk your own life and the lives of those already suffering this night to bring back nothing but a shell?”

Cullen felt his heart sink. He turned and moved further away so he could not hear any more of the conversation. 

Dorian shook his head as he saw Cullen move away. Dorian frowned. _There is nothing quite like destroying an already insecure man with false information._

Valerie pulled her hand away and the Veil shrunk again. “I am not in love with Hawke. Only one person has ever earned my love and he stands below with his troops. So do not accuse me of silly emotions, here. The Fade helped me realize who I am and what my purpose is in the Inquisition. Hawke sacrificed himself. I want to pull him back here. It’s the honorable thing to do.”

Solas put his hand on her shoulder; a gesture that was not lost on her. “My friend, you cannot take his sacrifice away. Hawke is gone.” Solas said.

“No I can’t accept that.” Valerie put her hand out again and the veil slowly tore open. Just as she was about to step through, she fell to the ground.

___

“You know Chuckles, you could have just grabbed her, you didn’t have to knock her out.”  Varric said.

“The lesson would remain unlearned, Varric. This is no game. The consequences of the actions of the Inquisitor or any of us will impact the course of the future. I could not take the chance of losing the Inquisitor and the Anchor together.” The frown on Solas’ face indicated he was not discussing his actions any further.

Varric shook his head. “Start crafting an apology. That’s all I’m saying.”

Valerie’s head throbbed. She sat up and took several deep breaths. Varric stood near the tent opening. “I’m so sorry Varric. I want to go back, I can still try.”

“No, you can’t. Hawke’s gone. We’ll talk another time. Don’t try that again.” Varric left.

Solas did not face her. “I must apologize, my friend. I could not allow you to step through into the Fade. If we lost you, there would be no way to stop Corypheus. Forgive me for resorting to violence.”

“I understand. I’ll live it seems. Is there no way to save Hawke?” Valerie asked.

“I cannot be certain, but I believe that the Fade where we encountered the Nightmare will not be accessible. Please do not try again. It would be most difficult for everyone here if you were to be lost.”

“Some of us more than others.” Cullen entered the tent. “May I take the patient for a walk?”

Solas inclined his head. “If the patient is willing to go then of course; otherwise she may return to her tent if so desired.”

Valerie stood. “Thank you, Solas.” Valerie rubbed her head. “I expect to have a polite discussion with you later about better ways to get my attention.”

Solas’ mouth curved into a slight smile. “I believe we will definitely have a more in depth discussion. I look forward to hearing about how the Lady Valerie defeated her own demons.”

Cullen led her back outside. “Later, perhaps.” He said.  
__

“I thought this would be easier, Val. But it isn’t.” Cullen sounded sad, almost distraught.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened?” She had not seen him like this before. “Come with me, we need some privacy.” Valerie took his hand and pulled him. Looking around she realized she had no idea where to go. “Maker’s blood, where’s my tent?”

“It’s back the other way. But I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Cullen said.

“Just show me. Please.” Cullen led Valerie through the maze of tents and supplies. When they arrived, she held the tent flap and motioned for him to go inside. Valerie sat on her bedroll and offered him the stool. She grabbed her pillow and held it.

“You had quite a full day, didn’t you?” Cullen said. “I don’t wish to make it any more difficult. I was told just pieces of information and I don’t know where to start – forgive me.”

“If this is about Hawke-“ She started.

“Of course this is about Hawke!” Cullen realized his voiced was raised. “Tell me honestly, in all the time we were – well, whatever we were together . . . you were with him, too?” The expression on his face reflected pain and sadness.

Valerie was struck by his accusation. “What? No, I was never with Hawke, where did you get that idea?”

Cullen would not look at her. “I was told that you kissed in the Fade several times. I don’t wish to interfere, but I feel you should have said something to me. It was wrong to deceive me if you were otherwise involved.”

Valerie was hurt by his accusation. “Did these same helpful people tell you that I hit him the first time and told him to stop?” Cullen shook his head. “Only Alistair remained the second time, and I did so because Hawke took my place. I was going to stay behind and allow the others to leave. Did they tell you that?” Valerie gave in to her anger. She kept her voice controlled in order to keep from yelling. “I kissed a man who sacrificed himself for me to escape and do you know what he said to me? ‘Thank you, Valerie. Cullen is a lucky man. Tell him that if I get back from this, he’ll have a fight on his hands’. Even he recognized my feelings for you. I almost lost myself in there, just like with the Envy demon; do you know how I woke up from that haze? I was able to keep going because I was thinking about you.”

“I don’t know what to say, Val.” He looked down at the floor and would not meet her gaze. He heard the anger in her voice. Maybe she was telling the truth, it was difficult to see the possibility that he may be wrong.

 “Solas was with me at the courtyard. He too asked me about my feelings for Hawke. I told him that the only man I loved was with his troops below. That’s you, Cullen.”

Cullen said nothing. There were so many different things he wished he could say, but no words came.

“It looks like you do not agree. Perhaps this was a mistake, Cullen. I think it’s time to end this conversation before we both say something we will regret. Good night, Commander.”

Cullen sat still for several minutes. She pulled herself up. “Fine, if you won’t go, then I will.”  She left him in her tent.

Valerie found her way to a fire pit where Bull and Dorian sat with Varric.  “May I sit?” Valerie asked.

“Is there a problem with your tent, Boss?”

Valerie scowled. “Yes, Cullen is in it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued.


	6. How Cold is A Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valerie decides to spend time with her companions to forget the argument with Cullen.

Chapter 6- How Cold is a Heart

“Let me explain how this works. You _want_ to have someone in your tent. When that happens you don’t leave.” Varric said.

“What if that person is being a complete ass and believes someone else’s version of the truth?” Valerie asked.

Varric thought for a moment. “Well, shit. I’m going to respectfully decline to comment.” 

Dorian coughed and looked sideways at Varric. “Might I suggest a change of subject then, Inquisitor?   I know Bull has been trying to extract more information about your days in Minrathous, perhaps you would answer a few of his questions?”

Valerie nodded. “All right Bull, ask your questions. I’ll give you five before I fall asleep.”  

Cullen had followed her voice, but hung back not wanting to anger her any further. He would apologize as soon as he was able to talk with her privately. 

Bull laughed. “Five questions. Okay, why did you pick the name Siren of Steel?”

“In truth Bull, I did not pick the name. One of the Proctors did. I signed up with the name Serena Alain. It’s my middle name and Aidan’s as well. The Proctor was a bit skeptical that I would survive so they just pulled something together to get me in the competition.”

“I get it. Serena took him to ‘Siren’.” Bull guessed.

Valerie continued. “Exactly. The proctors thought I would die in the first few rounds, so they went with what would draw a crowd. Serena Alain is not exactly fetching to the ear. When I started to win, they created a more adult version of the Siren of Steel. I earned them money and in turn more for myself. As a result of the mutual success the persona of the Siren grew. As I fought, I earned a reputation that was completely fabricated, all the stories; all the background was completely false. None of that mattered as long as it brought in spectators with funds.” 

Dorian chuckled. “I have a confession to make, I actually did see one of the nights that you fought.”

Valerie put her head in her hands. “No, please. Dorian, you went to the Proving Grounds? Please tell me you are joking.” She wasn’t proud of her time in Minrathous. Dorian had been right the first time they spoke, she’d hoped that she could meet her end with some form of honor intact.

“Alas, my dear, it is very true. Bull, the whole point of the Proving Grounds is not the fighting, it is the spectacle. Most did not care if she won; the spectacle was what they craved.” Dorian stood. He now had his audience. “I saw our Inquisitor at the height of her reign. She was the final act. They always announced the challenger first. I can’t even recall who Valerie was paired with that night. Silence falls and you can hear boots scuff and then the sound of metal scraping on stone. Out comes this creature in this black drape not really a cape, mind you, more like a shroud. You see this beast of a sword dragged by its hilt.”

“Dorian, I think they get the idea, please just stop.” Valerie begged. “Bull, I didn’t have any special advantage just a stronger stamina than the competition. I could outlast the challengers, that’s all. How many times has one of you helped me in battle? Quite a lot.” 

Varric laughed as he spoke. “Sorry, but I need to hear the end of this. I may have to borrow it for a future book.”

Cullen merely shook his head from his spot. _Why can’t they tell that Val does not want to continue?_

Dorian returned to his tale from where he left off. “Where was I? Ah, yes. The spectators can only see the broadsword, the boots, the gauntlets and this monstrous shroud. The announcer starts his story. I’m sure Valerie won’t share what he said and I can’t recall the exact words, only bits and pieces.” Dorian changed his tone to have more impact on the secrets he was about to share. “The announcer claims she was found in the steppes of the Anderfels with only the sword she now carries. She wears a mask to hide the scars of a lifetime of battle. It went on, something about a rescued slave and other fantastic claims. Then he introduces the ‘Siren of Steel’ and the shroud is pulled away by attendants.”

“Dorian, it was all for show. The mask was to protect from face blows. The proctors wanted their big draws to keep fighting.” Valerie sat back and closed her eyes.

Dorian continued. “This magnificent shroud is just pulled slightly and it billows off revealing the lady here. Although I often wondered if the armor you wore was real armor. Now that I’ve met you that armor was completely out of character, far too much exposed skin.  I still can’t imagine how one considers armor with no sleeves.”

Valerie spoke from her resting place. “It was in character for the Siren and no it wasn’t sufficient. I have the scars to prove it.”

_Val always keeps her arms and shoulders covered._ Cullen had not realized that until now.

 Bull sat up a little straighter. “So are we comparing scars now?”

Valerie smiled in response. “No we are not. That’s two questions.”

“How is – I mean that’s not two questions.” Bull caught himself before losing another. “Boss, I’m teasing about the scars. You just make it too easy. But if you wanted to, I wouldn’t say no.”

“Next question?” Valerie waited to see what Bull would come up with next.

 “Who was the worse opponent you faced?” Bull asked.

“The worst opponent was a Qunari Arvaarad, or so the proctors claimed him to be. He was a vicious fighter. His weapon of choice was this giant maul that was twice as big as he was. He was unpredictable and resilient. At some point, he broke my left arm and several ribs.” Valerie looked off in the distance trying to remember what she could. “I remember lying on the ground. I couldn’t breathe so I took the mask off. He did something I did not expect. He stopped. I don’t know if it was the realization that I did not have all the battle scars that were claimed or if he saw how vulnerable I was, but he stood there looking at me and then turned around to the proctors. Even stranger still, he yielded. That was the last battle for me. My left shoulder is still my weakest point.”

Bull agreed. “That’s true, I see it when you try to block. If the blow comes from the far left you don’t have enough force in that spot. You should let Cassandra or Cullen help you to strengthen and condition that shoulder.”

Cullen nodded. _Thank you Bull, for giving me another means to talk with Val if my apology fails._

Varric cleared his throat. “So let me keep the story going. You were injured; I’m guessing you had enough funds to find a really good healer. How did you know to go back to Ostwick?”

“I wasn’t going to Ostwick. I was going to Kirkwall to see Aidan. That would have been around 9:33 or 9:34 I think. I was only in Kirkwall for a few days. Kirkwall had a strange feel to it at the time.”

“Tell me about it, I remember.” Varric uttered.

Valerie resumed her story. “I’d hoped to convince Aidan to leave with me, but he refused. I tried each day to talk with him. The problem was he was at the Gallows and he was constantly worried about us being found out. I did not understand. I was neither a criminal nor a fugitive. I wanted Aidan to request a transfer back to Ostwick.”

_“Val, stop worrying about me. You look like you did wander out of the Anderfels. Cherianne’s going to be furious when she sees you. Does she know about what you were doing in Minrathous?_

_“No, and you aren’t going to share it either.” Valerie scowled._

_“Come on, Val. The little bird would lose her mind if she found out. I will not say a word.” Aidan lifted a hand to swear._

_“Little bird. She lets you call her that?” Valerie asked._

_Aidan shook his head. “I do so in my letters. She gets a little angry, but the letters are more fun that way.”_

_“Aidan, is Cherianne all right?” Val asked. She worried about their younger sister frequently, Ostwick was more relaxed in its rules for mages but she was still their sister._

_Aidan took her hand. “Listen little sister, Cherianne is fine. Go see for yourself, you’re very overdue for a visit by at least six years.”_

_“All right, I will. For the record, dear brother you are seven minutes older, not years.”_

_Aidan looked at his sister’s hands. The scrapes, cuts and broken nails brought a frown to his face. “Val, this has to stop. No more mental torture over Bastien. You need to find a purpose again. Cassandra is with the Divine. Go to her, she can help. If you won’t do that, go find someone who makes you feel like you again. This hurts me to see you like this, Val.”_

_“It’s Wren, Aidan, remember?”_

_“I won’t indulge you, Val.” Brother and sister stared each other down for a few moments until Aidan broke his gaze. “There’s my Knight Captain, you should meet him. Stay here.” Aidan left the table._

_Wren pulled the hood over her face and watched as Aidan gestured towards their table. She moved in between a group of people standing close together and then around the bar. When Aidan and his captain reached the table, she left through the door._

“Hey Boss, maybe you should head back to your tent. We can continue this another time.” The trio could see she was losing the battle against falling asleep.

_I never realized it before, but that was Cullen at the Hanged Man. I would have met him then. If he ever decides to trust me again, I’ll ask._ Valerie pushed herself up and turned to return to her tent.

Dorian looked and Bull and tilted his head in Valerie’s direction. Bull nodded and called after her. “Hang on, Boss. I’ll walk you back.” He followed her into the maze of tents.

“You may come out now Commander.” Dorian said. “The Inquisitor has returned to her tent.”

Varric shook his head. “You pissed her off, Curly. What did you do?”

Cullen did not want to discuss it with Varric. He thought Bull or Dorian may have better insight into what he should do. He found himself talking despite his plans to wait for Bull.  “I may have insinuated that she was less than true to me with Hawke, in so many words.” Cullen’s voice trailed off, realizing the absurdity of his claim. 

Varric rocked backwards in surprise. “You did what?”

Dorian did not react to Varric’s surprise. “Not that I am in the habit of defending the Commander’s actions, but Solas made incorrect assumptions as well and added to this error in judgement.”

Dorian stood and turned to face Cullen. “That said, I have several _minor_ little questions. First, have you shared the depth of your feelings with her? I think not, based on her reaction to your accusations. Second, if you truly ‘know her’ as you claimed when we stood in the courtyard, why would you then make such an egregious mistake as to the lady’s fidelity? Finally and perhaps most importantly, I would have thought that prior to you deciding to point out her _obviously wanton behavior_ , you would have considered the need to seek some sort of advice?” Dorian’s sarcasm coated every word as Cullen listened.

“Come on Sparkler, you’re not really being fair. Since when do you defend the Inquisitor? I got the impression you barely tolerated each other.” Varric offered.

“You don’t understand. While we differ on our opinions of mages and magic, the lady Valerie has my respect. She accepted my offer of aid and has attempted to know me better.  She listens to my suggestions and does not dismiss me as a mage from the evil empire of Tevinter. She even took time to assist me in a private matter. It is for these reasons Varric, that I find this whole situation rather _distasteful_.”

Bull returned to the fire pit. “Dorian. Enough. Cullen, just in case you were wondering, she asked me to make sure you were all right. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t sleeping when I left.”

Cullen stood. “Good night. Thank you, Dorian for your insight.”  Cullen walked off into the darkness of the tents.

“Tiny, did Valerie really ask after him?” Varric asked, more than skeptical of Bull’s statement to Cullen.

“Of course not. But I wasn’t lying about her not sleeping, so it wasn’t all bullshit.” Bull laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued. . .


	7. Warmth That He Seeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Valerie still aren't talking to one another. Dorian and Bull offer advice but neither have any faith that the pair will even speak to each other. Cassandra continues to worry over Val's destructive tendencies, can a no-armor sparring challenge finally help these two work out their differences?

Ch. 7 Warmth That He Seeks

Cullen made his way through the tents and stood just outside the Inquisitor’s tent, debating if he should leave her alone. He could hear her speaking to someone, but did not know who it might be.

“I don’t like the idea of losing our friendship. There’s no one else that I can just talk with anymore. It really doesn’t matter, I guess. Once again, I’ve fucked everything up when I thought I was doing the right thing.”

_I know I had something to do with this current mess. I want to try to apologize, I owe her that much._

Cullen had an idea, but needed to talk with Dorian for a little help. They had only three more days until they reached Skyhold. If he waited too long, it could be days or weeks before another opportunity arose. Cullen needed to make the most of the time he had right now.

Cullen did not remain to listen to the rest of the conversation. He moved back to the fire pit and sat next to Dorian and Bull. Varric appeared to be asleep, resting on one of the benches. A look of curiosity passed between Bull and Dorian as they waited for Cullen to speak. “Dorian, I was wondering if I might have a few moments of your time.” 

“My dear Commander, not that I have not dreamt of this very moment, but I am afraid I require a certain amount of beauty sleep each night. Perhaps another time?”

Bull laughed but excused himself and wandered off.

“Dorian, please. This is important. I was thinking of inviting Valerie to talk tomorrow when we set out.”

Dorian looked up at Cullen with wide eyes and a slight grin. “Inviting the Inquisitor to talk, you say? Cullen, you are perhaps the most singularly boring attractive man I have ever had the pleasure to know. Listen and learn.”

Cullen heard Varric laugh. “This should be good.” Varric said.

Dorian ignored Varric’s comment, squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. “My dear Valerie-“

“Val not Valerie.” Cullen interrupted.

“Commander, it doesn’t matter if you call her your little blushing rose, just hush and listen!”

Dorian prepared himself once again with a roll of his shoulders and a tiny nod of his head. “My dear Val, you must understand that the thought of you in the arms of another was the worst kind of torment; I felt the very depths of my soul fracture and I reacted in a way I regretted from the moment the words left my lips. Please allow me the chance to prove my heart is yours. If you will grant me the honor of your approval to bask once more in your loveliness, I will endeavor to be all that you need and more.”

Cullen snorted a laugh. “Dorian. Not that I do not appreciate your assistance, but I can’t say those words. That kind of talk is clearly not me and I would be responsible for any injuries inflicted on the Inquisitor.”

“Injuries? I don’t quite understand.” Dorian said.

“Yes, injuries when Val falls off her mount from laughing at the ridiculous things you want me to say.” Varric laughed. Cullen shook his head and wondered if he would be able to even start a conversation with Valerie to deliver his apology. She was far too perceptive; any lack of sincerity on his part would be noticed by her. Dorian was right about one thing, he was hurt. He suspected she was too, but knew that Val resorted to anger whenever she was uncomfortable or sad. He needed to apologize first.  “I’ll figure this out on my own. Thank you and good night, Dorian.”

Varric wondered if this was worth sticking his nose into or if it would backfire. “Curly, before you run off, let me say this; just talk about anything, don’t try to jump right into an apology. Ask her a question that makes her give more than a one word answer. Tell her a memory. You knew her brother, right? So share something but don’t push. If she’s not into it, back off. Try again another time. When you are just talking and it’s all very natural you can break out of the conversation, and then apologize. Fancy words and promises aren’t going to work here. Anyway, that’s all I had to say.”

Cullen thanked them both again. When he turned towards the left Varric spoke again. “Hey Cullen. Let her sleep. This can wait.”

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck slowly and turned back towards his own tent.

Dorian watched as Cullen walked away. “You know this isn’t going to end well, right?”

Varric knew it wasn’t going to start well, end well or be well at any point. “You know what Sparkler? For once, I’m going to be positive.”

Dorian laughed. “I take it by your proclamation of positivity there will be no wager, then?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I want to wager. Five silver he won’t even be able to talk with her.” Varric said.

“All right then. Ten silver that they do talk.” Dorian countered.  “Mind you, they just have to talk not get engaged and get a little farmhouse somewhere in the next few days. Just talk.”

“I’ll take that bet.” Varric said. “It’s never going to happen.”

___

It was never a small feat to have the Inquisition packed and march on after a rest. Somehow they were always on their way at first light. Val suspected that those responsible slept while they traveled. Alistair and the remaining Wardens had parted company long before the return trip west had begun. They would travel back to Weisshaupt and with assistance from the Inquisition would remain an active presence throughout Thedas. Alistair was a good man and would take care to rebuild and restore the Wardens, Val had confidence in his dedication to the restoration of the Wardens.

Val had considered joining the Wardens before she ran away to Tevinter. She’d thought it would be a proper penance for the pain she had inflicted. _Probably was for the best that I did not petition as it turns out._ She needed to get her head straight about Cullen.

Val knew enough about what happened in Kirkwall from Aidan. Cullen had been there. Meredith was his commanding officer. Val had been furious when Aidan first spoke of what happened at the Chantry.  It was Aidan who had explained the truth of it. Had he not done so on the way to conclave, events probably would have played out far differently.

There was much of her that was unknown to almost all except for Aidan. He knew every thought, hope and nightmare she’d ever had. She missed that more than she could ever express. She talked with Aidan nightly, and dreamed of him in the Fade laughing at her insecurities and teasing her relentlessly about whatever troubled her. Aidan did not fear failure. He loved conflict and resolution. He never worried about the perception others had of him. Yet he always complained that he wanted to be more like her. She never quite understood why her brother felt that way.

Valerie avoided Cullen on the day’s journey. What she really wanted to do was pull him aside and just talk with him. She ended up hiding by walking with Bull.

“Hey Boss. Don’t tell me, you still haven’t talked with what’s-his-name, right?” Bull was trying to incite her anger.

“You’d think he would have tried to say something!” Val said.   “Cullen would at least tell me his view; he has always done so with everything else, even if we disagree.”

Bull did not want to get in the middle of this. He was sure Dorian and Varric had already messed with Cullen’s head enough. “Look. Here’s the truth. You’re like a force of nature sometimes. He’s probably thinking you’re still angry and giving you a little time.  These last couple of days have really kicked your ass. When we camp tonight, we’ll take another sparring break – if you promise me you’ll end this bullshit and go talk to you-know-who, deal?”

Val smiled. “Is there another choice?”

“No. There isn’t.” Bull said.

Val tried another route. “What if I beat the crap out of you, how about then?”

Bull smiled. “That’s just more fun for me.”

___

Late in the evening, a small group had cordoned off an area for sparring with each other. The sparring ring was set far away from the sleeping quarters and far enough that only the inner circle would be able to participate. What it truly meant was things were about to get nasty. Wagers, humiliations and bragging rights were expected.

Cassandra was not pleased and went in search of Cullen to assist with control of the group. Cassandra found Cullen speaking with his captains reviewing the last leg of their return as well as the assignments for the next missions.

“Commander, I require your immediate assistance.” Cassandra said.

Cullen dropped his papers and moved around the makeshift table. “What’s the matter?”

Cassandra pulled Cullen’s arm to convince him to follow her. “Bull and several others are planning to spar and wager.”

Cullen stopped and shook his head. “Cassandra, really. They do this all the time. I am sure the area is far away from our troops and other prying eyes. You should attend. Bull falls down a bit. Bet against him.” Cullen turned away and walked back to his work.

“What of the Inquisitor? I believe this evening’s challenge is no armor!” Cassandra called after him.

Cullen stopped mid-stride. He did not turn around but called back to Cassandra over his shoulder. “Practice weapons or blades?”

Cassandra moved closer to stop from yelling. “I cannot be sure, but with Valerie, one never knows.”

“The Inquisitor is an adult, Lady Cassandra. I am not sure she would listen to me.”

Cassandra scoffed and nearly left. Instead she frowned and pushed his shoulder. She paced in a tight line back and forth as she spoke to him with her head down and fists balled in frustration.

“Cullen, I grow tired of these silly games the two of you are playing, how difficult is it for you to say ‘I am sorry, I was wrong’ and move on?  Meanwhile, my friend, who is not listening to me at the moment is going to end up hurting herself because she simply cannot back down from a challenge.”

Cullen sighed. “Why would you think that Val would listen to me?”

Cassandra crossed her arms but did not look at his face. “I am not asking you to convince her, Cullen.  I am saying challenge and distract her.”

Cullen laughed and shook his head. “Not very likely, Lady Cassandra. She flattened me on my back when I was in armor!  You want me to challenge Val and distract her? How shall I do that – without a tunic perhaps?”

Cassandra said nothing, but stared at him.

“No, Cassandra. I will not. If Val wants to play these games and injure herself then she very well will need to face the consequences of her actions. I am not her keeper!” Cullen was more embarrassed than angry, but the anger is what shone through.

Cassandra nodded. “I agree, but you do care for her, more than you want to admit. I see that plainly. So as someone who knows her destructive tendencies when she is hurt or scared, can you see why I came to you for help? Because you are important to her, even if _you_ cannot see it.”

Cullen rubbed his neck and huffed. “Fine, where are they?” Cullen followed Cassandra through the tents and carts and beyond the confines of the camp. He could hear raucous laughter and loud conversations.

Cullen finally reached the makeshift ring. Valerie stood at the opposite end of the ring. Bull, on the other hand was closest to him. He was flexing and moving around.

Cullen walked up to Bull and took off his gloves. “You’re sitting this one out, Bull.”

“It’s no armor, Cullen, and she’s been unbeatable so far. Given your previous record I’m just saying, maybe you sit this one out.” Bull warned.

Cullen removed his coat and breastplate and stepped forward in his tunic and trousers. He inhaled sharply, held his breath for a moment and exhaled rolling his neck and shoulders.

Bull asked. “Does that help?”

Cullen smiled. “No, not really. I know this is going to hurt. Considerably.”

“Listen Curly. I love a good bet, but this is not a good idea.” Varric warned.

Cullen stepped into the ring and waited. After a few minutes of waiting, Cullen grew impatient. “Inquisitor, perhaps the reason you are succeeding tonight is because you simply bore your opponent to death.”

Valerie turned to see Cullen standing across from her, legs apart and his sword out at his side. Valerie shook her head. “No. No,  Cullen. I will not fight with you, not while we have- “

“Have what? This is just sparring, Val. If you are simply too afraid to face me, then say so.” Cullen was taunting her.

Varric smacked his forehead and shook his head. “Don’t be stupid Curly. All she’s going to do is get angry.”

“I don’t think so, Varric.” Cullen approached Val and lifted his sword. “Let us proceed, Inquisitor.”  Cullen approached Valerie and swung once at her sword. He knew if she was caught off guard, the sword would fall. Nothing happened. He watched as she gripped her blade tighter.

“So you do wish to fight.”  Cullen smirked. “Come on then.”

Val did not move. _What is he doing? I’m not going to hurt him. That’s not how this works._

“Cullen, let’s just step aside and talk. All right?” Val said.

“Then drop your sword and concede the win. It’s quite simple.” Cullen passed his sword from hand to hand.  “ _Siren of_ _Steel._ Show me. Come on, Siren of Steel.  Prepare yourself.”

 _Shit_. Valerie thought. _He is not kidding around._ Valerie held out her sword as Cullen circled around her. She needed to take him down safely so he would not get hurt.

Cullen took the first cut towards her. He advanced and swung right. She blocked and pushed his sword away. He stepped back and unleashed a hack right then left then right. Val met each with a parry. She did not take the aggressive.

“You are insulting me by playing around Valerie.” Cullen circled her again. “Stop toying with me and fight.”

Cullen lunged at her without his sword. She slipped backwards, then quickly righted herself.

“You are unbalanced. Move your legs a little wider.”

Dorian yelled. “Are you sparring or is this a lesson in lovemaking? On with it already! “

He circled her again sword quickly darting in and out of her range. She knew he was trying to unseat her. She bent her knees more to anchor herself. Without warning he charged against her. She met each swing and swipe of his sword with equal force, each turn they clashed together. They sidestepped parallel to each other strike for strike. Metal did not find flesh, but his shield hand did. Her elbow, her wrist, she’d sworn she felt him stroke her waist. “What are you doing?” She hissed.

“Distracting you.” Cullen smirked again. That smirk. Normally, she loved it. Right now, it mocked her.

“Please, can’t we just talk? I don’t want to hurt you, Cullen.” Val said as he pushed away. She continued to meet each thrust and jab without injury. She knew he was tiring. Emotionally, she was pulling back on every instinct that told her to fight him head on. Cullen kept advancing, pushing her towards the edge of the ring, the fire light reflecting in his blade. She was losing her will to fight back.

Varric watched with Dorian. “Tell me you are seeing what I’m seeing, Sparkler.”

“You mean that he is teasing her with all these little hidden touches? I’m starting to feel like we should give them some privacy, don’t you think?” Dorian asked.

Valerie stood firm.  Cullen rushed and Valerie reacted instinctively. She turn right and he passed by her, but not before he landed a hit with the flat of his blade on her posterior.  Now she was angry. She stalked over to him yelling, “Did you hit my ass with your sword? Have you gone mad?”

Varric’s look of shock met Dorian’s gape. “I don’t know about you, but I am not staying here to see this play out.”

“Agreed.” Dorian followed Varric away from the sparring ring.

 “What exactly do you think you are doing Cullen?” Valerie’s anger and embarrassment made her face burn.

“You’re the one who wanted to fight without armor, love.” Cullen realized his slip too late. He turned away to recover and stood ready. “Advance, Inquisitor.”

Valerie had heard him call her ‘love’. She shook her head to free herself from the shock.

Valerie looked at Cullen and stuck her sword in the dirt.  “You want to do this, fine. I’ll show you what happens to someone who doesn’t wear armor in a sword fight, Cullen. If you still want to continue, then I will, but I promise you there will be no pleasure in my victory. Valerie took off her shirt and stood in her breast band. She grabbed her sword and stalked back over to him. “Take a good look. I will not do this to you. So, do whatever you need to be in control of the situation. I won’t allow you to humiliate me, so I choose to do so myself.  You forget Cullen. I care about you too much to see this happen to you.” She dropped her sword at his feet and left him standing there.

He’d only caught a little glimpse months before. But this . . . his own skin writhed as his eyes examined each wound and imagined the pain inflicted on her body. He had scars, one a silly miscalculation, another he was caught off guard and so on. But these . . .  he felt each deep scar hacked into being on her right shoulder, the sear from slice after slice on her forearms from daggers and swords. His undoing came at the sight of her left shoulder. The mark left by the Qunari’s hammer, jagged points where it crushed her bone.  He moved quickly and picked up her tunic and caught up to her.

“Val. I wasn’t trying to humiliate you. I needed you to stop. I’m so sorry I hurt you. The thought of you with someone else is too much for me. The first time I saw you, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. We’d only just met. I realized just recently, that wasn’t the first time I saw you. You were in the Gallows. 

_Cullen stood at his post waiting to be relieved. He was tired and hoped he would simply be able to read for a while and then sleep._

_Then he saw her. She did not wander as most did seeing the Gallows. She entered and moved behind a pillar. Cullen followed her with his eyes. She was not a peasant, her gait was confident, as was her posture. The heavy cloak she wore was not for warmth, it was for subterfuge. Thief? Bandit? She moved again against the flow of a small crowd to another pillar closer to him. She was searching for someone. Was she perhaps an assassin? The Crows in Kirkwall? Cullen wondered when the crows began to employ such women as assassins._

_One of the waitresses from the Hanged Man entered the Gallows. Cullen watched as the woman craned her neck also looking for someone. The bar maid walked behind the pillars. He moved further to his left to be sure nothing untoward was in play.  The cloaked woman removed her hood as the bar maid handed her a note. Message delivered, she left and returned to the Gallows’ gate._

_He now had full view of the mysterious stranger that held his interest. He noted the plate armor dull from lack of polish or harsh conditions, the larger hide gloves told him she’d come a long distance on a mount not by the Waking Sea.  Cullen could see the intricate braiding of her hair that some of the women in the order favored. Was she a knight like him? The woman retreated back into her cloak and left the Gallows. Cullen could not leave until he was relieved. He called over one of the Templar recruits and gave his orders to find out what was taking his relief so long to report. The young man ran off not wanted to anger his Knight Captain._

_Within minutes Cullen was able to follow the woman. The Hanged Man was his destination._

“I stood there watching you talk with Aidan. The way he smiled and laughed, I thought you were his. Then I watched as he took your hands and looked at them and at you. I saw such pain. I knew then you were the sister he spoke of so frequently, the Seeker. Why did you leave?” Cullen asked.

Val shivered. She held out her hand for her tunic, but he tenderly put it back on and fastened it for her.

“Val, you left that night and did not return. I looked for you for . . . days. I thought maybe we . . . might talk. When I finally built up enough courage I asked Aidan. He told me that you needed to leave. When everything fell apart in Kirkwall I guess I forgot.”

Val shivered again. Cullen held out his hand to her. “Come here, please. I won’t . . . just let me. . .” Val stepped into his arms and let his warmth spread through her.


	8. Watch Every Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the loss of Hawke, Valerie continues to push the Inquisition forward. As for Cullen and Valerie their busy schedules and dancing around each other continues. Even though Valerie finds new ways to test Cullen's limits; he waits on the ramparts for her return.

Cullen paced the ramparts.  

 _Maker’s blood!_ The party should have returned hours ago.  The mission papers were to investigate the Red Templars on the Storm Coast. Valerie sent word days ago. She included a note in her report. This was not unusual; she often tried to slip in some sort of joke or tease just to get a reaction from him when she returned. Cullen smiled as he remembered a report she delivered that was a series of stick figure pictures. She’d handed over the real field report after he’d lectured her for a few minutes.

The note he received several days prior contained a simple message:

_See you soon. Start without me._

The message was the Inquisitor’s attempt at humor. Both of them were always busy, always in demand. Most evenings, one of them was always late and would send the other a note – always the same six words. They should have returned by now. _She_ should have returned by now. _The Inquisitor can take care of herself as she has long before you._

 He continued to look out over the walls for any sign of the Inquisitor. _Valerie._ She was the Inquisitor, his friend and companion. _She is so much more than simple words can express._ He thought. Cullen didn’t have anyone close to him. The Templars at Kinloc Hold he had called his friends and in the true definition of the word they were friends. Many of their names he could no longer remember but their faces . . . they would cling to his memories.

He stood watching for signs of the Inquisitor’s return and thinking about how his days and nights changed since Adamant and all of it due to Valerie.

Adamant was a turning point for them both. The victory was critical for the Inquisition, but for Valerie, she was almost lost to him first to the Fade and then to her guilt over Hawke’s death as well as his own ill-timed jealousy. Cullen was most surprised by the changes in Valerie’s personality and how control of her abilities increased; Cassandra was impressed with Valerie’s increasing control and skill.

Valerie found her strength in the Fade to become someone he greatly admired. _Admired and loved._ He thought.

Cullen could see nothing in the growing dark as he scanned the landscape. After another hour of waiting, he returned to his office angry and frustrated at Valerie’s irresponsible behavior.  _Stick to the mission. Stick to the mission! Why was it so difficult for her to stick to the mission?_  Cullen flipped through the mission briefing at least a dozen times. 

“Something is being hidden from me. That’s why.” _Leliana_ _knows and she excels at keeping the facts from me_.

Cullen told his attendant he would be in the tower aviary if needed.  He was grateful his task to reach her was not interrupted while his resolve was firm. Cullen felt he’d waited long enough before addressing his concerns.

Leliana was seated at her table reviewing reports; she did not acknowledge Cullen’s arrival.

“Where is she Leliana? Based on the mission, everyone should have returned this morning.  I have a feeling critical details are purposefully being kept from me.”

“Good evening, Commander. How lovely to see you at such late hour. How might I be of service?”

Cullen leaned forward on Leliana’s desk with both hands. “This little game you and the Inquisitor are playing with me is tiresome. Where are they? The whole point of mission logs and reports is not only for accuracy but for safety as well." Irritation took over, Cullen dismissing propriety. "Good evening to you, Spymaster; now where in the whole of Thedas is she!” Cullen pulled back, surprised that he lost his composure. “Forgive me. That was . . . inappropriate. ”

The corners of Leliana’s mouth turned upward at Cullen’s outburst. This was not the first time she watched as two people who served together found more in each other’s arms. Leliana pushed her chair back slightly. “By she I can only assume you mean the Inquisitor. I can assure you, Commander, the Inquisitor is with her companions on the Storm Coast, along with the Chargers. This was all arranged through Bull and the Ben-Hassrath.”

“Please continue.” Cullen said.

“There is nothing more to say. When the terms the Ben-Hassrath requested are reached, our people will return.”

Cullen pushed off the table. “You and Cassandra must think me a fool. I am tasked by the Lady Cassandra to be mindful of the Inquisitor’s more . . . aggressive tactics and yet in speaking with you I should assume that our people are taking tea on the beach with the Ben-Hassrath.”

Leliana smiled. “You are not a fool, Commander. As for a tea party on the Storm Coast I know of no such event, although I could have Josie attempt to organize something for a future visit.  I am sure she would welcome the challenge.  Cullen, I assure you I know as much as you in this matter. The Inquisitor and Bull shared very little. I have my suspicions of course, but both of us will have to wait for the field reports to arrive.”

Leliana stood and walked towards the tower stairs.

 _Her subtle way of telling me the conversation has ended and I should be on my way._ Cullen took the cue and returned to his office.

__

The Storm Coast was a stretch of coastline on the Waking Sea. The churning waves sent Valerie’s insides rolling. She could not stare for too long at the moving waves before queasiness would overtake her. The constant rain and dampness warped and bloated everything, but it was the smell Valerie found increasingly repugnant the longer she remained. She could never quite pinpoint what it was that disturbed her so much even though Cassandra told Valerie that she was imagining it.

“Bull, you owe me. You can’t even begin to imagine how much I hate the Storm Coast. I could sit here and come up with at least twenty different places I would rather work this mission, yet the Ben Hassrath picked this fucking place. I was soaked the moment we arrived and I probably won’t dry out for a week.”

Bull tried to smile. “You look good wet, Boss.” He usually teased her mercilessly, mostly because she could dish it right back. This day, his heart wasn’t in it.

Valerie noted that his usual bravado was missing he’d been gentle in his instructions to the Chargers. She’d never seen Bull so unsettled.  “What’s bothering you?” Just as Bull was about to answer her he was interrupted.

“We have cleared out the Venatori here, shall I send up the signal flare?” Gatt asked.

Bull agreed. He could see the flare set off by the Chargers from their vantage point. Valerie stood next to Bull as the Dreadnought advanced and sunk a smaller boat nearby. Bull sighed in relief as the ship came closer to shore. Then everything changed.

“Crap.”  Bull said.

Valerie could see a large contingent of Venatori converging on the beach near the Charger’s position.

“Bull, there’s quite a lot heading their way.” Valerie pointed out as she saw the numbers that were advancing on the Chargers.

“Your men need to hold their position, Bull.” Gatt said.

“If they do that, they’re dead.” Bull’s arm muscles tightened.

Gatt and Bull argued over the loss of the Chargers versus the loss of the Dreadnought.

_Bull is agitated.  I’ve already lost one ally; I am not sacrificing the Chargers. Leliana is going to have my head over this alliance if I fail. Cullen has no doubt been pacing and complaining again about my recklessness. Josephine, I can’t even begin to imagine…fuck this. No one else will be left behind._

“Sound the retreat, Bull.” Valerie ordered.

“You can’t!” Gatt cried.

“Bull, get them out of there now.” She said.  
___

Valerie stood in the War Room ignoring the conversation between Leliana, Josephine and Cullen as they discussed what happened on the Storm Coast.

“I will explain if all of you will stop talking and listen to me.” Valerie spoke over their discussion.

When silence fell, she leaned on the war table. “I will not allow another loss like we experienced with Hawke. This was my decision. An alliance with a group that would willingly sacrifice its men for the sake of information is not worth the cost.”

Leliana interrupted Valerie. “Inquisitor, can we afford to be sentimental? The information supplied by the Ben-Hassrath could be helpful.”

Valerie stared back at Leliana. “If the Inquisition’s spymaster has to rely on a Qunari network for information we aren’t working hard enough and need every available agent. Are you going to tell me that they have better agents and can outmaneuver us Leliana?”

Leliana did not break her gaze with Valerie. “No, Inquisitor. The alliance could have widened our reach.”

“Yes, possibly, but Bull and the Chargers will be even more helpful than information flow especially now.” Valerie countered.

Josephine looked to Valerie. “I do not understand.”

Cullen replied. “It’s simple, Lady Ambassador. The Inquisitor is referring to their loyalty. Valerie put Bull and the Chargers before the needs of the Inquisition.”

Leliana looked at the war table. “I understand, but at what cost? The Qun could have been a powerful ally.”

“Leliana, I disagree with your assessment. The alliance was with the Ben-Hassrath, not the Qun. Trust me; I saw this for what it was - an unsanctioned information exchange.” Valerie said.

Cullen produced several reports. “The Chargers have already approached me with requests to become more involved in missions on their own. I have agreed, with Bull’s permission, to assign them a small compliment of soldiers. The experience they bring is invaluable. We’ve actually gained more through this loss.”

“No more sacrifices, Leliana. No one is expendable.” She turned and left her advisers staring after her.

___

Cullen tried to catch Valerie’s eye as she left but she did not acknowledge him.

Valerie planned to sit and talk with Blackwall or Thom, however he wished to be addressed and find out his intentions. Cullen and Josephine agreed he should be allowed to stay.  Her plan was to cut a path straight to the stables, but halfway to her destination Valerie changed her mind and climbed the steps to Cullen’s tower instead and quietly opened the door. 

She was unaware of the smile that crept onto her face as she watched Cullen at his desk.

“Was there something you needed, Inquisitor?” His mouth curled into half a smile. “I tried to - I thought you were busy today, Val.”

She leaned against the ladder to the loft. “I am. However I wanted to be sure that we were still planning on leaving tomorrow?”

“Yes, Val, I need to take care of a few things in Ferelden and as discussed I would like you to accompany me.” Cullen laughed and shook his head as he joined her near the ladder. “You are stalling. Just speak with Blackwall. I know we are of a like mind when it comes to Rainier. He respects you and I know your thoughts on his situation.”

“I want him to stay, Cullen. I’ve done so many things I am not proud of and not all of it is known. I hunted Templars and Mages. I was ordered to retrieve or remove each of them. How many do you think came willingly?  If Blackwall is a murderer, what does that make me?” Valerie held up her hand. “Is this my mark of absolution? If I heal Thedas does that forgive what I have done? Cullen, Thom Rainier is me. Don’t you see? I don’t know if I can reassure him.”

Cullen curled his fingers around her hand and rubbed his thumb across the top of her hand. “Val, second chances, remember?”

Second chances. The way the two of them continued together Valerie guessed they were already on their fourth or fifth chance.

Once they’d returned from Adamant, Cullen pulled away from her. Valerie’s response to his withdrawal was to immerse her days in tasks. One morning she met with Cassandra in the war room to discuss the search for Lord Seeker Lucius and the two hoped to discover the fate of the Seekers.

_“Leliana will find them, Cassandra, and once she does we will go. I can’t accept the Seekers have disappeared.”_

_Cassandra stared at the map on the war table. Valerie could see worry and frustration on Cassandra’s face. “Cass, I’ll find them. If Leliana cannot locate a trail, as soon as Corypheus is defeated I will personally find them.”_

_Cassandra’s lips curled into a half smile. “And what of the Commander?”_

_Valerie glared and walked to the window. She mimicked Cassandra’s accent. “The Commander has his own duties to attend.”_

_Cassandra scoffed. “You are impossible.”_

_Valerie disagreed. “No, just practical. Cassandra I was harsh. I took my clothes off to show him my scars, hardly appropriate behavior. He hasn’t been very interested in talking since we returned. We need to focus on the tasks before us, not acting as we have been.”_

_Cassandra scoffed. “This is ridiculous. I feel like a chaperone that has to keep repeating the rules.”_

_“Please, would it be possible to just. . .“ The door to the war room opened and Cullen stepped inside._

_“Ah, Lady Cassandra, have you seen the Inquisitor?”_

_Cassandra pointed behind the door to where Valerie stood. “Commander, may I present the Inquisitor, if you will excuse me.” Cassandra closed the door behind her._

_He leaned on the war table. “I wanted to apologize.” Valerie watched as his hands balled to fists as he continued to lean. “My behavior before we returned . . . in the ring was inappropriate.” His speech was slow and deliberate. He chose each word in his precise manner. “I want – I am hopeful you might consider a walk with me at sundown? I am aware of your plans to leave Skyhold tomorrow and I . . .”_

_Valerie grinned. “Cullen, I would be delighted to have your company. Will a chaperone be required?”_

_He chuckled. Cullen looked around the room and leaned closer to her. “I think you will be quite safe with me. I command the Inquisition’s forces you know.” His expression softened as he smiled at her._

_This is what she enjoyed most with Cullen, when the Commander disappeared and Cullen joined her. “Truly you jest, Ser. I know the Commander personally and he is quite the bore – battle plans and troop movements and ugh – trebuchet calibrations, just endless military talk. You speak of sunsets and pleasant conversations, how could I possibly refuse?”_

_“I never specifically mentioned the sunset Val and for argument’s sake I am not asking you to dinner to talk troop assignments.” He replied._

_And there he is, Commander Cullen back again. She thought. “I thought this was just a walk, now you are including dinner as well?” She teased. “I suppose there is room in my schedule. I do have a meeting with a dragon scheduled, but for you I shall make an exception.”_

_Cullen shook his head. He could not help but smile. “I should return to work. Until later, my lady.”_

“Valerie? Val, where did you go just then?” She realized Cullen was talking with her.

“I’m sorry I was thinking about that poor dragon I rescheduled because of you.” Valerie inhaled and rolled her shoulders. She exhaled slowly. “I should talk with Blackwall.” She leaned her head against him. “Unless you think I should wait?”

Cullen took her hand and brushed his lips lightly upon her fingers. “Valerie. . . you . . .are . . . stalling again.” He smiled.

She scoffed and left his office, Cullen’s laughter ushering her outside.

_____

The Inquisitor left for the Emerald graves a week after Cullen’s trip to Ferelden. The time away would not be too long, but the advisors hoped for more information. The field reports were delivered every few days given the Graves proximity to Skyhold, by all accounts, Valerie’s success in routing out the dissenters in the Graves indicated an early return in her last report.

The advisors turned their attention to focus on the Venatori. Cullen and Leliana met almost regularly to ascertain their next move. Leliana received strange reports about temples and ruins raided by Venatori. “They’re searching for something, but it’s not a detailed search. All very cursory and they’re leaving without fully exploring the area. My scouts wonder if the Venatori search for a specific place.” Leliana offered the scouting report to Cullen.

“What of this shrine? Have your people entered it yet?” Cullen asked.

“Not yet. I wanted to discuss this with the Inquisitor before we proceed. If there is a large Venatori presence, we will need your soldiers to help clear the area. If the contingent is small, then my people will clear the way for the Inquisitor. Corypheus is no fool. A strong possibility exists that either this shrine is heavily guarded or home to demons to protect whatever may be stored there.”

Cullen nodded and returned the report to Leliana. “You will have whatever is needed. If there is nothing else, I have other matters to attend.”

 Leliana smiled beneath her hood. “I believe the Inquisitor will arrive soon. Is that correct?”

Cullen coughed and cleared his throat. “I am not sure. It is a possibility.” Cullen left Leliana staring after him.  _Off he goes to stand on the ramparts, taking in the night air and staring off into the expanse for a sign of her. It’s so sweet. I disagree with Cassandra and her assessment. It’s none of our concern. The Inquisitor continues to put the Inquisition and its people before herself and Cullen’s strategies are more concise and focused than before. This is what we need._

Cullen waited on the ramparts. His eyes scanned the landscape for any sign of the Inquisitor and her party. He saw it before the scouts - a lone rider at top speed. No. Not alone, carrying someone atop a hart. He knew something was wrong. The hart’s movement was erratic. _The rider is panicked._ “Why would it?“ Cullen’s heart sank, realization hitting him even before he spoke her name. _“_ Valerie _”_.

“If you can hear my voice, Inquisition, to me - to the gate!” Cullen called for any and all to rally to the gate.

Cullen took the steps several at a time to reach the bottom near the gate. He called for the healers and the surgeon to stand ready. He sent soldiers to rouse Mother Giselle and Solas. Cullen mobilized a small army to assist. As the hart came into view, Cullen tried to remain calm. Dorian held Valerie to him. She was limp in his arms.  

“Cullen, help me.” He reached for her as Dorian helped lower her from the beast. She was burning with fever and pale. Her breathing was labored.  The bloom on her tunic, once red, appeared mottled brown on her right side. Cullen clutched her to his chest and carried her to the infirmary as Solas and Mother Giselle joined the surgeon with Dorian at their heels.

Dorian tried to keep calm as he explained. “There was a rift. The demons were too much. Valerie had been knocked out but she recovered or so I thought. Yesterday, a fever bloomed. I’ve tried antidotes, and potions of all kinds and almost everything I can think of with my magic and this fever will not break.” Dorian’s usual calm faltered as he spoke. “There’s a wound, too. I tried to bring her here as quickly as possible.”  Dorian’s somber face told the rest of what he held back, she’d worsened on the journey.

He placed his hand and Dorian’s shoulder and nodded.  “Thank you.”

Cullen found no reassurance from any of the faces around him. “Save her.” He whispered to Solas.

Solas did not face him as he answered. “Commander, if I cannot. . .”

Dorian was surprised at the unexpected snarl from Cullen. “Unacceptable. Find a way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I want to hear from you.


	9. Out of My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen takes a drastic step to help the Inquisitor. It falls to Varric, Dorian and Blackwall to put the pieces together before it is too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to my readers. This series fell to the side while another pulled me away. I will continue with hopefully less of a break between chapters.

Chapter 9 Out of my Mind

 

“That is not what I meant Seeker. You are twisting my words. Are all of you so blind to the possibility you have given up?” Cullen no longer cared for politeness. “The three of you stand there and assume we have run out of options. Are you so eager to rise to the Inquisitor’s seat, Cassandra?”

The sour expression on Cassandra’s face showed Cullen had struck a nerve. “Tread carefully, Commander, what you suggest is quite the accusation. You forget that I have known Valerie far longer than you. You are too close to the Inquisitor to think clearly.”

“Despite your supposed friendship with Valerie you have lost the ability to think rationally!” Cullen quieted his tone. “Lady Cassandra, I am the only one in this room willing to find a solution. We need more help.” Cullen stated.

Leliana tried to quiet the room. “Cullen, we do not have the resources to stop all of our movements to find a cure-“

“Yes, we do. If you had listened three days ago, a search for healers would already be under way. Instead, the three of you bicker and argue with me and accuse me of being lovesick and blind.” Cullen scoffed. “This is madness.”

Josephine looked around the room. “I believe I speak for all of us, Cullen, this has all been . . . trying. But we must continue on for the sake of the Inquisition.”

“Listen to yourselves! The Inquisitor is not dead and you cannot remove the anchor. We must find a solution. Go flit about the field if you must, but it will be for naught without the Inquisitor to close the rifts.” Cullen said.

Cullen’s comments pushed Cassandra too far. “Commander, I do not ‘flit about the field’. You are unfocused. Perhaps a break- “

He continued to argue. “Do you wish to remove me from my duties? Perhaps I could stand and hold the door whenever needed or better still stand next to the Inquisitor’s seat and _look pretty_.” Cullen rubbed his face and continued. “We need a sound strategy to move forward and right now, our best hope is to find a healer.”

Valerie’s continued condition created a great deal difficulty for the advisors and the inner circle. The war table meetings had degenerated into cacophony and posturing over who would lead and what could be done about the rifts. Leliana and Josephine agreed that Cassandra was the best choice to lead the Inquisition.  Cullen would not concede. He insisted there was a way to bring the Inquisitor back to health. “Find more mages.” Cullen opened the door and barked at the runner in Josephine’s office. “Bring me Vivienne and Varric.”

“Ser?” The runner was unsure what to do.

“Now!” Cullen yelled again. He waited for a minute before his tirade continued. “Is there no one able to follow a simple directive?” Cullen left the War Room. Raised voices carried from the main hall.

“Cullen, I don’t know where he is!” Varric’s voice could be heard growing louder. “Even if I _could_ reach Anders, he would never come here -too many Templars.”

Leliana could see the merit in seeking Anders out. He could be their best hope to heal the Inquisitor. In secret, Leliana agreed with Cullen. Valerie had sacrificed her own well-being far too many times to give up. However, the mage was still a hunted man but if she could find him, it would take much to keep him hidden. She would start as soon as the meeting concluded.

Vivienne entered the room and was visibly perturbed. “This had better be good, my dears. I do not take to being dragged through hallways. This is most disagreeable.”

“Madame de Fer, we are in need of the best healers to help with the Inquisitor, and we asked you  here in hopes you might offer assistance.” Josephine said.

Vivienne sighed. “A healer is not what you need Josephine. You need to choose a new leader. The breach may be lost, but Corypheus can still be defeated with the proper leadership.”

Leliana shook her head. “Madame, thank you for your suggestion, we will discuss it. I offer my apologies for disrupting your day.” Leliana nodded to the runner who escorted Vivienne back to her balcony.

Cullen bit back his frustration. “Unfortunately, I believe you have one other position to consider now. I am withdrawing from my position to enlist help to search for a healer, you know of whom I speak. I will allow you time to find a suitable replacement. I would suggest Captain Rylen or Ser Barris. If you will excuse me, I refuse to remain a part of this farce.”

Cullen left and closed the door behind him.

The sudden resignation of the Commander spread through Skyhold in a few short hours. Dorian and Varric spoke in a stairwell.

“Listen Varric, finding this _Anders_ is not the solution. For the past few days, Cullen sits with Valerie for hours on end and then he goes to the garden or his office or the Rest. We need to wake the Commander up. You have this wonderful natural ability to anger him. I am suggesting we do just that – piss him off.”

Varric crossed his arms. “That’ll never work. Unless -” Varric’s face lit up. “I have an idea, Sparkler. Find Sera and meet me in the garden.”

Varric watched Cullen sit at the chess table. _He’s been to see her already. His armor is off_. Varric waited for Sera and Dorian to arrive and take their positions at the second table.

Cullen sat rolling one piece absently around the board. To anyone passing by, it appeared he was staring out into nothing when his absent stare hid the torrent of information and plans passing through his thoughts.

The little information he knew about Anders led him to believe he would not be in Ferelden or anywhere near Kirkwall. Tevinter or the Anderfels made the most sense for Anders to choose as a place to hide and still help those who needed him most.  

“Is this seat taken?” Varric asked.

Cullen sat in the garden at the chess table head in his right hand, eyes closed. “Not . . . now Varric.” He replied.

“Yes, now Curly. This – whatever you think you are doing is disrespectful to Valerie. Leaving to search for Blondie? Dumbest idea you’ve ever had, that fur thing around your neck notwithstanding. Point is Cullen, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something. Leaving the Inquisition because your girlfriend is sick is. . .well just wrong.”

Sera stalked over to the table and winked and Varric as she slammed her fist down. “Hey! Don’t you talk to him like that! Quizzy is sick and you won’t tell where that arse is hiding out so shut it!” Sera and Varric turned on each other and voices and language escalated.

Cullen tried to stop the argument. “Sera, I appreciate what you are trying to do, but Varric is right.”

 The two stopped their phony argument. “I am?” Varric asked.

“Yes Varric, I need to leave immediately. Anders could be anywhere and without Hawke…I’m sorry.” Cullen said. He realized how insensitive he must have sounded. “I didn’t intend to bring him up. Forgive me.”

Varric shook his head. “No Cullen, you’re missing the point. Let Leliana find him. You need to let her work and you need to look at this your way.”

Cullen rubbed his neck, the stress and lack of sleep pushed his body to more painful awareness.  “I don’t understand.”

Sera sat on the chair her knees to her chin. “You know. The way you nitpick every detail in a report to death until you know what shade of brown someone’s- “

Dorian cut her off. “Sera, the Commander understands. Cullen, Varric may have the right idea. I was with Valerie; perhaps you can help me find the missing piece to what happened.  I’m missing something important. Your - as Sera put it - highly focused attention and desire for detail could be put to better use.”

Dorian, Varric and Cullen met Cassandra and Blackwall in Valerie’s quarters. It was the most private location where they could speak freely outside of the War Room.

Cullen paced the room, he thought well if he moved about.  “Dorian, nothing out of the ordinary happened in the battle with the demons, but what of before? Did she eat anything; _touch_ anything you hadn’t seen before?” Cullen had to ignite Dorian’s recollection.

“Dorian, the Graves how did they smell . . .  tell me of the smell.” Cullen gestured to Dorian to start.

“Cullen, I fail to see why discussing a dank and earthy stagnant forest is of any help.” Dorian crossed his arms and settled on his feet.

Cullen pulled his fingers through his hair. “Because that smell you described, did it ever change around Valerie or the party? I’m looking for what was to find the cause, Dorian.” He sighed and gestured for Dorian to continue as Cullen closed his eyes to listen and more importantly to _see_. 

Dorian, Blackwall and Varric realized what Cullen was asking and took turns recounting the events of that day.

_“Val, darling, oh Inquisitor of my heart – you are lost. Just admit it.” Dorian laughed and continued to stumble over the overgrowth in the forest. “I am almost certain that every tree in Thedas starts here. Someone tie a rope to Varric, we’re likely to lose him in the underbrush!”_

_“Funny, Sparkler, keep going.” Varric grumbled and moved on._

_Valerie did not react. “I’m not lost; I thought I missed something here earlier.”_

_Varric laughed as he spoke to her. “Admit it, you’re lost. Where are we supposed to be going anyway?”_

_Valerie huffed the hair out of her eyes. “Fine, I’m lost. We’re supposed to be clearing out the rest of the Venatori and looking for the red lyrium caravans. I give up for now, who’s got the map of this place so I can find the camp?”_

_Varric, Dorian and Blackwall spoke as one. “You do,”  Blackwall added, “my lady.”_

_Valerie nodded to Blackwall which prompted more laughter again. “Someone’s still sucking up to the Inquisitor.” Varric muttered._

_Blackwall wheeled around. “It is not sucking up, dwarf, it’s called politeness. Try it sometime. If I was trying to win points I would have sided with the lady and said you two were daft and how I enjoyed the tour around the same ten trees. . .several times.” Blackwall grinned._

_She sighed. “Thanks, I think.” Valerie’s three companions continued to laugh at their own predicament._

Dorian stopped and watched Cullen smile, as useless as Dorian believed this to be, it was helping in some small way.

Cullen found peace in hearing of her and took comfort in the way her companions kept her happy while they traveled. Valerie would have tried to cover up her error by claiming she missed something earlier. He wondered how long she led them around the Graves until the others protested. Cullen was not aware of the smile on his face.

_The sun set faster than the party could find the closest camp. When the fires and tents of the Inquisition camp were visible, Varric was sure the party would sleep; instead they continued to talk well into the night. Valerie stared into the fire._

_Dorian sat next to Valerie and winked at Varric. “Since no one else here will ask, I shall bear the burden. What happened on your little private trip to Ferelden?”_

_She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head, still somewhat hypnotized by the flames. “The Commander had business in Ferelden and I accompanied him.”_

_“You’re a terrible liar,” Varric laughed, “I have it on good authority a certain high ranking couple spent many hours at a lovely lakeside gazing into each other’s eyes and talking softly, among other adult pursuits.”_

_She shook her head and tucked her legs back under herself. “Adult pursuits, Varric? More fanciful stories, I’m afraid. What happened on that trip is between me and Cullen and that is all I will say.”_

_Dorian laughed.  ”While we are on the subject of Cullen.”_

_She coughed. “I didn’t realize we were on the subject of the Commander.”_

_“Cullen.” Dorian corrected._

_Valerie looked sideways at Dorian and sighed. “Yes, fine, Cullen. I spent time alone with him, I enjoy his company and I’d rather be with him right now than listening to you three ladies talk about him.”_

_Blackwall and Varric joined in Dorian’s laugh at her exasperation._

_“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” Dorian teased. “Where was I? I understand that when you are away he waits on the ramparts for you, staring out into the expanse waiting for your return. I’d say this is more than just a passing dalliance, wouldn’t you?”_

Cullen cleared his throat. “I think you’re focusing on details that while . . . interesting, are detracting from what I am trying to find out, Dorian. Skip to the morning, please.” Cullen rubbed his neck and the flush in his face was not missed by any in the room.

“Just when things were getting, how did you say . . . interesting. Well, Cullen, the next morning we looked at the map and made our way towards a villa where the Venatori were last seen.”

_“Varric, just try to be more careful that’s all I’m saying,” Valerie cautioned, ”we can’t carry you out of here it’s hard enough navigating through all these tree roots.” Valerie yelped as her foot caught and she stumbled, but balanced to prevent a fall._

_Blackwall cleared his throat. “You were saying, Inquisitor?”_

_Valerie held up her hand. She whispered, “There’s movement up ahead.” She pointed to each of her companions and each fell into step and took positions surrounding the area._

_She moved as slow as possible, careful consideration given to the placement of each step. Dorian followed her and cast a barrier as she cleared the brush. He counted only five; there were sure to be more. There was a Spellbinder, a Brute, several warriors but none of the assassins. ”Valerie, there may be assassins, those Harlequins in stealth.”_

_She nodded and continued into the clearing._

Dorian stopped and paced. “There was something odd about this, but I can’t quite remember. Varric, Blackwall do you remember? We entered the clearing and then . . .”

Black stepped forward. “Valerie fell to her knee, like this.” Blackwall put his right hand just above his hip and went down.  

_Dorian helped Valerie to stand. “What happened?”_

_She shook her head and half-smiled. “I’m fine.” Valerie raised her shield and attacked the advancing Venatori._

Varric stopped Dorian. “She wasn’t fine, remember? She fell again on the way to the camp to heal.” He continued gesturing toward Blackwall. “We came back, because she was pounding potions like water. She fell asleep on the Hart just before we found the Rift.”

Cullen’s heart raced faster, they needed to figure it out. “She was stabbed then, yes, by a Venatori assassin? Those Harlequins we found at Halamshiral, did you see one?”

All three shook their heads. Cullen closed his eyes and tried to keep calm. “Did she say anything Dorian, think, Valerie is smart, if she was consuming potions she knew what was happening, tell me everything she said.” Cullen had his hands on Dorian’s shoulders. “Think, what did she say?”

Dorian sighed. “Nonsense, Cullen, nothing important; ‘Proving Grounds’ she kept repeating it over and over. She was delirious and bleeding, the fever had-“  
  
He stopped.

Cullen stepped back. “What. You’ve realized something, what is it? Dorian, please!” The others watched as Dorian tried to pull his thoughts together.

 “Kaffas! Cullen, I know what happened!” Dorian spun. “I could kiss you, but there isn’t time! I need to go . . . we should have everything here. Bring the herbalist to the infirmary.”  Blackwall nodded and left.

Cullen followed him to the railing. “Dorian, what is it?”

“Not now, Commander.” Dorian took the stairs several at a time; Cullen raced after him and hurried to the infirmary.

Cullen continued to call after Dorian until he flung open the infirmary door. Dorian ripped her tunic open and used a small dagger from his boot to slice the bandage open.

The surgeon responded to Dorian’s frantic removal of Valerie’s bandages. “Stop! Stop, please. You will open the wound.”

“Exactly! Listen carefully . . .”

________________________

  Valerie opened her eyes disoriented and the darkness of the surrounding room pulled her into frantic awareness. She clutched at the bed.

Cullen straightened and leaned over her. “There you are.” He smiled and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Feeling better?” She nodded, still weak. Her other hand moved to her injury. “Val, you’ll recover. Dorian figured it out, it took a little time and I must apologize. I allowed myself to get a little emotional instead of addressing our options.”

Dorian scoffed. “A _little_ emotional - Commander, let’s not mince words, a fine mess would be more appropriate. Valerie, I didn’t realize the repetition of ‘proving grounds’ was your way of telling me you were poisoned. I remembered, albeit a little late, the illegal poison that passed around the Proving Grounds while you were fighting as the Siren. The scandal was huge, a poison rubbed on a blade would encourage constant bleeding, dangerous fever and the wound would only heal if a poultice was applied directly to the wound. Thanks to Cullen and his excruciatingly annoying attention to details, we could figure out what happened.”

Dorian recounted the events in the forest and how Blackwall and Varric helped to piece together everything for them to decipher what caused Valerie’s illness. The antidote was prepared and was now stocked by the Inquisition to combat any blades treated in similar fashion.  When Dorian embellished on Cullen’s reactions the situation  The glare from Cullen was enough to push Dorian out of the infirmary.

He looked back at her and she smiled as his eyes searched her face. “I have to see if I still have my position here. I may have quit in my zeal to see you well.”

Her voice cracked at first word, but she quickly recovered. “You did _what_? Cullen, we both know the risks and always have. If this, is too much then maybe we should- “

He touched his finger to her lips and shook his head. “No, it’s not too much. I will promise to keep my head if _you_ will promise to say something when you are injured and not attempt to hide it.” Cullen stood. “Allow me to make my apologies and then I’ll return.”

“I believe I can agree to your terms if you can get me out of here.” Val replied and tried to sit up only to wince as she stretched her injury.

The surgeon pushed her back down. “ _If_ the Commander returns later, I will find someone to assist and you may return to your quarters, for now Inquisitor, back to bed.”

Cullen held the door frame and turned back towards Valerie, the hint of a smile on his face. “The Commander most certainly plans to return.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a few months since an update, but your comments are welcome!


	10. Howl At The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Valerie continue to step around each other instead of together. Valerie secretly plans to bring Cullen peace of mind with a return trip to his lake, all she needs to do is find a way to travel without alerting the advisers to her planned detour.

Chapter 10 Howl at the Moon

The sun would not wait for Cullen to sleep. He’d stayed up far too long watching Valerie still afraid she might slip away from him. She left to hunt a dragon in the Hinterlands after he warned her to leave the dragon for a later date. When the party returned he was less than pleased as she hugged Varric, Dorian and Bull. She tried to explain to Cullen she was grateful for their help and the victory over the Ferelden Frostback.

The stars laughed at him in the early hours as he pulled himself up the ladder rung by rung. “You should have stayed with her.” Cullen shook his head in response to his own voice. “Wonderful. Now you’re arguing with yourself.” His irritation flared as the lack of sleep and strangled sounds of his empty stomach reminded him he’d missed a meal sitting with her until she fell into a deep slumber to his satisfaction.

Several hours passed as sleep and Fade claimed him in dreams. He did not hear the door open, the ladder creek or feel the bed move.  He was not alone when the demons found him.

_“Bar the doors!” Barclay cried out. “We have to run, Cullen! The rest are lost!”_

_Cullen’s sword grew heavier with each step as if it did not want to face the horrors its wielder would face. He gripped the hilt and forced his feet to move forward. “No, we cannot run. The fourth floor is lost; we must find the others in the chamber ahead.” He urged the others and himself._

_Barclay shook his head. “I. . . . can’t Cullen. I’m sorry. They’ll only kill us.”_

_His friend retreated as Cullen and four others pressed on. Edan moved into the anteroom of the Harrowing Chamber first. Cullen witnessed bodies torn and mauled from animal attack and sword wounds in the past and he could distance his mind from the horror of his experiences. Until today. The scream issued forth from Edan as he crossed the threshold took Cullen to a place within he did not know existed. The hidden animal within him begged Cullen to run, to flee before the predator hiding in the antechamber hunted him; but not Cullen; he would face what lay ahead to save his brothers or die._

The nightmare did not wake him this time, instead the call of large birds squawking on the roof roused him. “Damned birds - I swear Leliana sets them up there to mess with my sleep.” Several large black birds perched atop roof of his loft.

“Could be worse, they could shit all over you.” A voice said from beneath the sheet.

Cullen, unprepared for the companion of his bed slid fast and fell to the floor, he backed himself against the wall opposite the bed. His fear took hold and Cullen realized his sword lay across the room with the rest of his armor. The blanket moved again and Valerie’s face peeked out from beneath it.

Cullen was certain she was not in his room; he’d left her in her quarters.

She read the confusion on his face; Val heard the nightmare’s grip on him and tried to keep the conversation light until he found his own awareness. She did not miss his repeated glances to his armor and guessed his weapon lay with it.  “Cullen, it’s me. Do you think a demon would come to your bedroom and talk of shitting birds?” She laughed at the thought, a question to give to Sera to tease Solas. She suspected he was wise to the fact others were feeding Sera questions at Solas’ expense, she wondered if he knew many of the silliest came from her.

He tried to push the thought of demons invading his sleep and dreams but could not see past the facts.

“You aren’t here. I left you in your room. The pillow, the blanket, this is not real.” He rubbed his face again and Valerie could make out murmur of words from him as she could make out the Chant leaving his lips.

Cullen averted his eyes as the sheet, discarded by Valerie, revealed her to be clothed. She shook her head as she moved to the end of the bed. “Cullen, after last night’s _discussion_ , I wanted to talk more, but I fell asleep and when I woke I couldn’t find you; I assumed you returned here and found you asleep. I didn’t see the harm, so I rested here and I swear my _wandering hands_ did not wander at all.”

_He waited on the ramparts anger coursing with the blood through his body. “It’s been two weeks; she should not be sneaking off into the dark!”_

_A soldier on watch pointed out into the approach as Cullen say two streaks of light burst into the sky. “There Ser, it’s the Inquisitor’s party, Ser!”_

_“I’ve not seen a signal before on their return.” Cullen looked to the soldier for explanation._

_“It’s the Lady Vivienne, Ser. She’s cross if her bath isn’t ready when she returns. S-s-so the ladies tell us, Ser, I wasn’t spreading rumors.”_

_Cullen shook his head keeping his thoughts to himself._ It’s not an inn, but a stronghold. What next? Heated beds and private meals?

_He descended the stairs but halfway changed his mind and waited. He watched Bull and Dorian laugh as Val shared her tale with wild gestures. Varric and Blackwall joined the conversation for a time until Blackwall waved and left the others toward the barn and stables.  Cullen’s face grew hot as she hugged each of them. He fought the urge to intervene as Bull slapped Valerie’s bottom and then found a laugh as she slugged him, staggering the Qunari backwards. Dorian pointed up to Cullen’s position on the stairs._

_Valerie turned to see Cullen watching her and waved. She hurried to the bottom of the stairwell and Bull and Dorian wandered toward the Rest. Halfway down the stairs, Cullen stood watching her smile up at him, his earlier anger forgotten. She waited a moment and then climbed the steps. “I should rest, but would like your company.”_

_“You have only to ask, my lady.” Cullen smiled and offered his arm. Valerie took his arm. “You should have knocked him to his knees, Val. That pat was out of line.”_

_She feigned a shocked and surprised tone as she teased him. “Why Cullen, I never figured you for a kinky bastard -  imagining Bull on his knees?” She stifled a giggle._

_“What?! No, no that’s not what I m-m-meant-“  Cullen stammered and exhaled. “You’re teasing me. Val, don’t do that! All I’m saying is stop encouraging him – wandering hands and all that.” Cullen placed his hand on hers. “It’s too much.”_

_Valerie laughed and in spite of his fight to push away the jealousy he felt at Bull’s continued advances Cullen still wondered why she stayed with him. “Wandering. . .hands. Oh Cullen, you’re the one with all the ‘I want to be proper’ nonsense. My parents don’t recognize me and haven’t in a long time. My title is for show for the Inquisition. You could sling me over your shoulder and carry me up to your bed right now and no one would care.”_

_Cullen snorted before he could stop himself._

_Valerie looked into his reddening face. “So the Chantry boy has naughty thoughts  -  fancy doing just that, haven’t  you?”_

_Cullen’s thundering heart threatened to give him away. “Val. We’ve talked about this before and this is not the time or the place.”_

_Valerie._ _Wandering hands .  .  . Maker’s breath, I asked her to stop_. _This is Valerie, not a hallucination_. He closed his eyes and sagged against the wall. “Forgive me. I have to separate what is real from dream and when I left you in your quarters –“

Val sighed. “I upset the balance of your space Cullen, I’m so sorry.” Valerie reflected on Cullen’s admission. “I never saw it before. It’s brilliant. You always put your armor and sword in the same place and the blanket and pillow on the chest.” Valerie pointed to the chest on the side of the room.   

He nodded. “And my coin is on the . . . never mind.”  Cullen flushed and grabbed his neck. He’d given Val the coin during their side trip together.

Valerie’s eyes opened wider as the she looked at the makeshift nightstand.  The coin sat there before he’d given it to her. Every morning his hand would touch the one reminder of his life before and he would start the day. She opened the small pocket on her tunic above her breast and pushed the coin out -his coin. It was warm and heavy in her hand as she held it out to him.

He looked at her coin her in hand. “You keep it with you?”

Valerie pointed to herself and then to him asking in gesture if she could approach. He nodded. She clutched the coin tight in her hand as she moved in slow and deliberate motions until she reached him and held out the coin again. “Take it.”

Valerie did not miss his surprise.  “I carry it in my pocket no matter where I go. I promised to keep it safe but I can’t keep it, Cullen. It’s your token - your reminder of your life in happier times, you need this. Please take it back.  You should have told me how special it is to you.”

Cullen released her hand and closed her fingers over the coin. “I think by giving it to you, I did.”  He smiled as she returned the coin to her pocket. “I should not yell at you, Valerie and I apologize for my behavior in your quarters.”

The truth of the matter – Cullen was right. She could wait to hunt the dragons and she should be more aware of her responsibilities. Her choices weren’t logical but impulsive and rash. “Everything you said was true. The fault is mine. I don’t look at how my actions hurt others . . . hurt you.”

The time spent with her in discussion helped him reach his calm and practiced self again. The dream pushed aside, he offered his hand and smiled. “Shall I help you down the ladder or are you going to slide down again?”

She tried to convince him numerous times of levity in his office and showed him how much fun it could be to stop worrying about perceptions of propriety and how to enjoy small pleasures. “If you’d try it once, Cullen.”

The side door flew open to reveal Varric and Cassandra.  “Cover up Curly, we need the lady!”

Cassandra scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Must you say such things? Why must you always assume that that Commander and the Inquisitor are involved in sordid sweaty dealings?”

Varric chuckled and looked up and Cassandra. “Sordid sweaty dealings, huh? Did I say anything like that? No I did not. Sorry to say that any ‘sordid sweaty dealings’ as you say are all in your head, Seeker.”

Cassandra scoffed and glared at Varric.

Cullen looked at Valerie eyes wide and shook his head. She leaned in and whispered, “I told you this last night.”

Cassandra continued. “We are expected in the War Room Inquisitor.”

Valerie heard Varric’s chuckle and leaned over the edge. “Yes, on my way.”  Cullen’s hand shot out instinctively to grab her as she leaned. Valerie looked back to him and smiled.

“I told you so, _Varric_.” Cassandra hissed.

“Another time?”  She pecked a quick kiss on his cheek and moved to the ladder. A hasty salute preceded her frame sliding down the loft ladder and landed with a thud. Cullen shook his head, he kept planning the perfect moment for them but perfect moments slipped away at each opportunity.

“Nice landing.” Varric said. 

Cullen hurried after her.  “Inquisitor  -a moment if you can spare.”

The Seeker crossed her arms and scowled. “Commander you are expected.”

Cullen would lose his nerve if he did not continue. “Thank you Lady Cassandra, but you interrupted a private conversation and I would ask for a moment or two more and the Inquisitor and I will report for the meeting -if you will excuse us.”

Varric’s mouth dropped at Cullen’s direct words and added, “well that’s more than your usual ‘ _Yes_ , Lady Cassandra, anything you _say_ Lady Cassandra’. I’m impressed Curly, finally growing a- ”

Cassandra pushed Varric to stop his speech. “Move.”  She ushered Varric out of Cullen’s office. 

Cullen opened his mouth to speak and found his moment of strength passed.  He lifted his right hand and Valerie caught it before he reached for his neck. “I’m right here.”

The gentle tone in her voice lessened the tension in his neck. “I have a full day, but will you meet me at the Rest tonight?” She slid her hand around his waist. “Val, we’re late.” Valerie pecked a kiss on his cheek, another on his chin and lifted her arms around his neck. “I’m the Inquisitor, they’ll wait.” Cullen inhaled and stepped back. “Val . . . “ Her arms fell to her side, and she turned from him.

“You Chantry boys are far too uptight. Maybe a Warden is less. . .” She teased as she walked out of his office.

Cullen surprised himself as he reacted. “Valerie, what Warden? A Warden is less what?”

He hurried after her and stopped short as she peeked around the door. “Hurry along now, Cullen.”

His eyes followed her path towards the main hall. He stood watching the space she occupied and ignored the runner delivering another reminder. Still focused on her his thoughts stayed close _._ The repeated question from the runner before him pulled his attention away from Valerie and he hurried after her.

________________________

“Winterwatch Tower needs to be cleaned out again, Inquisitor. We need to assign troops to hold the Keep in our favor.” Leliana pointed out the need for more strategic positions throughout Ferelden.

Valerie studied the map and held back a gasp as an idea formed. She knew what she needed to give Cullen in place of his coin. “Has the Arl returned to Redcliffe? Perhaps his forces might supplement ours or he might appeal to the nobility on our behalf? We restored his home and village to his people. Josephine?”

Her quill raised and poised to speak in rebuttal, Josephine stopped and stared at Valerie. “I must admit it is a bold move, but I believe I should be able to appeal to the Arl’s sensibilities.”

Leliana disagreed. “We’ve paid reparations as the Arl requested; I am not convinced he will listen, Josie.”

Valerie hatched her plan. “What if I made the request – in person? Would Arl Teagan be more inclined to agree?”

Josephine’s grin and nodding head were proof Valerie could reach her destination as part of a mission with no suspicion from her advisors. “An excellent suggestion, your presence, even for a few hours to make such a request would not only place the Arl in a position where he must accept to seem gracious, you are of noble birth, a Seeker but you saved Warden Alistair. I can attest this news brought great relief to the Arl. Strike now and see if he will assist!”

Valerie did not care if Arl Teagan agreed or told her to pound sand. She had her way back to Cullen’s lake.  “I won’t need everyone, just a small group. Bull, Dorian and Varric will be sufficient.”

He glared at her. _She’s up to something. Those three and no one else?_  He would wait and discuss it later with her.

“If there is no more business, I’ll be on my way.” Valerie stated.

Cullen’s composure fell as did a fist onto the table. “What? Leave right now?”

“You wish to add something Commander?” Leliana asked, a smirk creeping onto her usual stoic expression.

Cullen stood up straight and settled himself. “Apologies, I did not intend to interrupt. I thought the Inquisitor would meet with me  later today but I must be mistaken.“

Valerie saw his downturned eyes and corners of his mouth fall into the hint of a frown. “I’ll return soon and we will continue our discussion, Commander.” She hurried out of the War Room to gather the others and get what she needed for Cullen. Teagan would be easy to convince, she had assurances from Alistair he’d written to Teagan on her behalf before he returned to Weisshaupt. Valerie did not care what Teagan decided, she needed the reason to take her to Cullen’s lake.

_______________________________

 _Twelve days.  Maker’s breath, what is taking so long?_ Cullen swallowed - his throat dry and clenched as thoughts of dangers or assassins filled his thoughts. He turned the mug in his hands around and around not drinking but watching the amber liquid spin in the oversized ale mug as he pondered one horrific idea after the other.  His mind filled with images of Valerie alone with Bull. He couldn’t think those thoughts, knowing it wasn’t in her nature to betray him – he’d made that mistake before and almost lost her.

Cullen reached for his pocket and searched for the cool metal finding nothing to ease his fears. _She has the coin, remember? You need a token, a reminder of happier times – that’s what Valerie said._   He shook his head in response to his thoughts. Happier times – seem like a lifetime ago.

Cassandra grew concerned at the change in Cullen’s demeanor as she believed the relationship between Valerie and Cullen was proving too much for him to juggle. She watched him spin the mug in his hands and not drink content to stare off into nothing deep in thought.  Cassandra squared her shoulders.   _This will either unfold horribly or he will appreciate my concern._   She approached his table with slow and deliberate steps. A few feet away he held up his hand without looking at her. Perhaps my assessment is wrong – he acutely knows of his surroundings.

He moved the full mug aside and stood gesturing for Cassandra to join him at the table. A quick nod and she slid into a chair across from his position.  “Thank you for your concern Lady Cassandra; I am . . . torn for lack of a better word.”

She pulled back in her chair. “Torn? I don’t understand. If you refer to your relationship with Valerie, I am not quite the proper person to discuss this matter, but if you feel you must- please do.”

A soft chuckle escaped him. One of the fiercest warriors in all of Thedas, a disciple of romance serials and their tales and yet real emotion she is not prepared or comfortable to discuss. “No, my current concerns have moved on to a letter I find myself unable to open.” Cullen pulled out a sealed envelope and slid it across to Cassandra.

The parchment was high quality and the red wax seal bore the image of an able bodied horse.  The edges were bent and curled as if the letter was handled often. She turned it over and dropped the letter on the table. The writing was familiar to her, Lady Trevelyan, her fluid strokes on the paper, bold yet feminine. She’d received a letter several months earlier in thanks for her efforts to solve the explosion at the Temple. “Why is Lady Trevelyan writing to you?”

Cullen rubbed his face and took the unopen letter in his hands. “Please believe me when I say I was not . . . that is to say I had no intentions of – this is ridiculous. I can’t speak.”  He pushed the envelope back to Cassandra. “Valerie is . . . important . . . and. . .I felt it prudent to ask –“

Cassandra gasped. “Is this the response? You have not opened it?” She leaned in and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Are you sure Cullen? Valerie is- she may not be ready for something so . . . permanent.”

His eyes widened as he realized they were talking about two separate paths. “I asked permission of her family to . . . pursue relations. I have no title, nothing to offer and while Valerie insists her family has long since abandoned her, I wanted to . . .” Cullen’s voice trailed off embarrassed at his explanation.

She fell back in her chair. “You are worthy Commander Cullen; Aidan believed it so as do I. You should open this.” Cassandra slid the envelope back to him and tapped it several times.  “I should warn you, what  if House Trevelyan rejects your request?”

Cullen held his breath. He had considered nothing beyond a positive response.

“Cullen you’ve known Valerie long enough – she rejects the impossible and creates a new path.” Cassandra pushed the envelope closer to him. “Open it and then return to the Inquisition.”  She pushed away from the table and left him staring at the envelope.

The ring of the bell lifted Cullen to his feet and out into the night air. He shoved the letter back into his pocket and climbed the steps to the ramparts to watch for her approach. 

“There Ser, you should be able to see them.” The soldier on duty pointed to the large mass moving towards the gate.

Valerie pulling ahead of the rest on her Hart pulled a laugh from inside him. _She’s racing the others no doubt._ Cullen’s previous thoughts and concerns melted away replaced by a grin as he heard her howl when she crossed the gate first. He tried to descend the steps with control, but she caught sight of him and grinned.  _So the Chantry boy has naughty thoughts?_ He recalled her teasing and perhaps for the first time, letter or no letter the answer was as clear to him as the smile in her eyes. 

She motioned for Cullen to follow her towards the stables.  The Hart returned to its stall, she grabbed a brush and talked to him in soft tones as Cullen leaned against the post.

“I brought something for you.” Valerie reached into a pouch and pulled out two objects. “Please hold out both of your hands and close your eyes.”

Cullen pressed his lips together to stamp down the smile he could not control. His expression changed as two objects fell into his palms one in each hand. The object in his right was smooth, long and cold; the object in his left was similar yet small enough to fit in his pocket. His brows knit together. Rocks – she gave me rocks. “I don’t-“. As if touched by a magical artifact a flood of images rushed him.

_Little sister standing at the water’s edge, breaking the surface with a plonk again and again while he stood with her using his patience and calm to teach her how to bounce the rock along the top of the water._

_“I can’t do it Cullen! I can’t! Why won’t it work for me?” Rosalie cried._

_“Rosie, it takes practice. I’ll teach you. The first and most important thing to remember is that you need a. . .”_

“ . . . perfect flat stone.” Cullen said aloud and opened his eyes. In his hands he held two perfect stones, gray with flecks of blue and smooth as the water’s surface. Perfect.  “The lake story of skimming rocks. You remembered. Val, where did you find these?” Cullen watched her face and the slight blush in her cheeks. The color rising in her face told him the story. She pushed to travel to Redcliffe, added more travel time, probably only waived hello to the Arl and headed south to the lake. In his head he watched her argue with Bull and Dorian about the detour wading in to find the perfect stones. For him.

 “You didn’t go to the lake. Valerie, tell me you didn’t go to Redcliffe to have an excuse to go to the lake – that’s . . . happier times. Val. . . thank you.” He stepped closer to her and slipped the smaller stone into his pocket and his fingers grazed the envelope. _I don’t care about the answer._  Another step closer and her sigh, audible to him only conjures images of her skin finding his alone, without interruption, without care.

“Ser!”  One of the guard captains stands facing sideways so as not to stare at the scene unfolding before him. “The night briefing, Ser!”

Cullen growled and snapped back at the intruder. “What!” He felt Valerie’s head cradle against his neck. The sharp inhale as she took in his scent unbalanced him.

The guard captain spoke again. “I’m sorry Ser, the men await the nighttime briefing and are gathered in your office.”

Another long sigh and a soft voice spoke sending a puff of air along his skin. “Go . . . another time Cullen.”

He turned towards the soldier. “I’ll be right behind you, please go on ahead.” The man nodded and left them alone.

“Meet me upstairs in ten minutes, this won’t take long.” Cullen took several steps out of the stall. “Val, just a few minutes more, and then I’m all yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to hear from you, comments always welcome.


	11. My Mistress' Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A broken bottle, strewn papers and an early departure are only the beginning to Cullen's day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild sexual scene within.

Cullen wakes before her and the still darkened morning brings a chill through his quarters. She sleeps, but the sight of her skin calls to him. Cullen's fingertips float above her until the slightest touch on her shoulder sends a shiver through him.  She stirs but does not wake. The scars on her arms point the way; the marks for him are a sacred path through the life she lived before him. He would watch over her now, protect her but the call of her flesh to his must be answered.

Fingertips trace her arm - her flesh rising at his touch, remembering the night before. Fingers take the lead, fanning out to grasp more until his hand settles flush against her side.

 _Valerie_. Her name in his thoughts ignites the memory of feverish tangles and urgent breaths of the night before to rouse him once again. He moves his body to fit hers as he knows it will. Skin finds skin. She sighs in delight and curls in his embrace, a swift silent prayer in her head to hope she is not lost in a dream but his warmth, his strength and the body she feels is real.

Her eyes flutter and her first smile of the morning claims his breath in short gasps. She laughs as he tries to speak and wraps her hand around his neck.

He knows what comes as she guides him closer and claims a kiss. He sighs, and she takes more, opening her mouth teasing him, guiding his tongue to hers.

She would devour him if he allowed it and so he pulls away sees her skin flushed. Her eyes narrowed in warning and she grasps his neck a second time. Her strength of purpose sends him crashing to her.

He rolls his hips against hers to take the lead again. She arches into him and a moan escapes as he grinds against her.

A frenzied cry of his name signals her surrender, and she begs him to continue.

He whispers to her breath on her neck his lips taunting her with every impassioned word.

She cries out as he meets her hips again deeper than the last. Through her gasp she pleads for her release. Cullen holds her gaze locked in his own. _Valerie_.

There is no darkness between them, two lives lost to pain and so much suffering find solace and release in one another. He gives her serenity, and he is given reprieve; for his past, his failures and the gift of silence from the horrors in his head. She is his absolution.

 The sun takes its time to show its face granting him the precious gift of her as sleep covers them in peace.

________________________

Valerie left before sunrise for Val Royeaux, a side trip to finish a personal matter for Josephine. He smiled - the words she spoke still lingered in the morning air.

_I love you; you know that, right?_

Cullen searched for his clothes discarded the previous night and hoped nothing had fallen to the floor below.  He couldn’t find his smalls.  Fear of embarrassment and strained explanations of discarded clothing sped his morning routine quickly pulling out clean counterparts to his vestments and hastily securing his armor to reach the office floor before his aide arrived. The door creaked open as he stepped off the ladder wincing in dread at the mess he knew they left here the night before.

“Ser? Is everything all right? The desk is. . .” His aide seemed out of sorts.

Cullen took a final moment to straighten his mantle thoughts searching for the best explanation as to the strewn items.  He turned to speak only to find his desk chair against the wall and no evidence of the night before. Not a single shard of glass from the broken bottle, not a single slip of paper left on the floor. His office was spotless.

He pressed his lips together to suppress the smile, _Valerie must have straightened up before she left_ , he thought as he walked behind his desk to find a crate filled with papers and books where the chair should be.

“I apologize but I have not had a moment to visit the kitchen this morning and would appreciate -“ Cullen did not want to offend the aide, but he needed privacy to find all his paperwork.

The aide snapped to attention. “Ser! On my way, I’ll be back as fast as I can.”

Cullen held up his hand and smiled. “Please, take your time - it will be a long day.”

“Ser!” The aide left him alone. Cullen pulled out the crate and moved his chair; he found the results of Valerie’s work, done while he slept: reports and papers stacked in neat piles surrounded by carefully arranged books to keep the piles intact. He wondered how she organized everything for him in such a short time.  Then Cullen found it - the one small detail she overlooked. Her breast band, left behind hidden under the crate. He laughed and crawled under his desk to retrieve it unaware Leliana entered his office.

“Cullen? Am I too early?” Her voice startled him and he smacked his head against the underside of the desk. The loud thwack of his skull against the wood and the yelp of pain brought the spymaster around to his aid. Cullen scrunched the fabric band as tight as he could to hide it within his fist and emerged from beneath the desk. 

He stood and rubbed the top of his head. “Forgive me, I was searching through reports and something had- “

Leliana’s smirk and downturned stare at her boots convinced Cullen to stop. He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Might I have a little longer and then we can discuss the Arbor Wilds?”

Leliana’s wide grin reflected in her eyes. “I see – an hour Commander, and not a moment longer.”  She clasped her hands behind her back and sauntered out of the side door. He was sure he heard laughter as the door closed behind her. Cullen surveyed the rest of the office floor to ensure nothing else stood out, he returned to his papers as his aide came back from the kitchen burdened with a large tray, every inch stuffed with food and drink.

“Am I confined to my office all day? I wasn’t expecting a feast.”  Cullen said. “You mentioned it was for me.”

The aide nodded. “Ser, apologies I forgot.” It was a well-known rule that whoever pulled aide duty with the Commander was to keep his kitchen requests anonymous. Otherwise the overabundance of food sent to him would be wasted.

“No matter.” Cullen resumed his report review until an unexpected visitor arrived.

“Curly! Good morning, a little hungry?” Varric quipped. “Listen I need a minute or five or ten of your time.” Varric grabbed an apple from the tray.

“Continue.” Cullen said, stopping Varric’s first bite.

“Wait. No ‘what do you want, dwarf’ or ‘now is not a good time, Varric’ just ‘continue’?” Varric usually had to plead his case to have a few minutes with Cullen. The real problem; Varric had news likely to upset Cullen and had to find the best way to deliver it.

“Out with it, Varric.” If he let Varric continue, Leliana would have to wait longer and Cullen preferred not to delay her longer than necessary, as she often retaliated through embarrassing situations in front of Valerie.

Varric took a deep breath. “So, we may have a small problem – nothing you can’t handle.” Varric laughed nervously creasing Cullen’s brow. He leaned forward and glared.

“How small, _Varric_?” Cullen’s mood spiraled into hushed annoyance.

Varric turned away from Cullen and passed the apple from hand to hand as he spoke. “Well, it’s like this, you see. You remember Hawke, right? Of course you remember Hawke.” Varric sighed and took another deep breath. Cullen’s stomach soured and knotted. Varric continued. “I had to let the others know, it was the right thing to do.”

Cullen nodded. “Please continue.”

“So Isabela was angry, but she seemed to take it well enough. Only spent half a page calling me various names for bringing Hawke here. They’d been separated for a long time, Hawke didn’t like her running around as she did and Bela was never one for sitting around darning socks.”

Cullen rubbed his face. “Varric, just tell me already.” Cullen caught Leliana’s return and by her grin and casual lean, he surmised she already knew what was to come.

Leliana entered Cullen’s office and joined the conversation.  “Please, tell him. This will be quite interesting, Varric.” Leliana spoke to Cullen’s aide. “Excuse us please. You may return in one hour, thank you.” Leliana ushered the aide out the side door and down the stairs. When she returned the doors were secured.

He watched Leliana, her smirk and gestures to Varric to continue the conversation coupled with Varric rocking on his heels and smiling far too much warned Cullen the news was not good. “Well, Bethany – you remember Bethany, Hawke’s younger sister? She’s . . . a little upset. She may have mentioned she thought the Inquisitor let Hawke die for what happened in Kirkwall. She knew Aidan, remember? He was always flirting with her. Actually Aidan pretty much flirted with anything with breasts it’s a wonder the Qunari didn’t –“

“Varric!” Cullen’s sharpness startled Varric into silence. “I thought Bethany was a Warden. Why would she think Val hurt Hawke deliberately? Unless – you wrote her about the arguments and fight, didn’t you?”  He closed his eyes to think. “She has a good heart; Bethany was always more level-headed than her brother.  Surely she must know of the alliance with the Wardens?” Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose in thought.  A moment passed, and he opened his eyes wide and clapped his hands together. “Alistair. We can appeal to Alistair to speak on the Inquisition’s behalf.”

Leliana shook her head. “There isn’t enough time. Warden Bethany Hawke is expected to arrive today in Skyhold.”

“I fail to see the concern, the Warden will be treated with respect and we can arrange a private meeting with the Inquisitor where all concerns can be discussed.” Cullen returned to his desk. “When is Josephine expected?” 

Leliana’s sly smile and narrowed eyes found his. “The _Inquisitor_ is expected late or at first light tomorrow.”

He fought the urge to snap back at Leliana’s attempt to tease. “Then I believe we should postpone our meeting while you make appropriate arrangements for our guest. In Lady Josephine’s absence you will need to find appropriate lodging and prepare. Come find me when you are free.”

Varric’s mouth fell open. Twice Cullen had openly challenged two of the stronger women in the Inquisition. First Cassandra and now he was issuing orders to Leliana without a stammer to his speech.  _Looks like Val’s influence is helping Cullen find his voice_. Varric caught the huff of frustration from Leliana and stood aside as she stomped out the center door and clomped across the walkway. “I don’t know what they’re feeding you Curly, but you’ve grown a serious pair. A word of warning, the Seeker is one thing, but that one? She’s scary.  Watch your back.”

_____________________

Late into the night Leliana and Cullen discussed strategies and possible routes through the Arbor Wilds. Cullen’s concern over the dense foliage and uncharted area and Leliana’s disturbing reports of Red Templars and unknown assailants throughout the area threatened to make this a dangerous mission. Both were concerned about the risk to the troops and the Inquisitor’s party even with added numbers from Celene’s forces.

Leliana assured Cullen Morrigan could be trusted. If Corypheus sought an eluvian and such an object existed in the temple in the Wilds, Morrigan and Valerie needed to secure or destroy it to prevent Corypheus from obtaining it.

Leliana hid a smile each time Cullen yawned, amused how he tried to conceal his growing weariness from her. “Cullen, I think now would be a good time to mention a change in the arrangements for Warden Hawke’s arrival. I could not find an empty room for her as there are only two such quarters that provide privacy; the Inquisitor’s and yours, I was hoping you would consider. . .” She paused hoping Cullen would take the lead.

He pursed his lips and stared at her. Leliana had no intention of finding another space for their guest. “Fine.” Cullen’s curt reply hung loosely in the air as he climbed up the ladder to gather up items he would need. He grabbed a few books from his nightstand and in his haste knocked the lake stone to the floor with a crash. He dropped the books and bag and bent to check the stone.  It was cool and smooth in his hands and the act of checking it for cracks calmed his irritated nerves. Cullen crossed to his trunk and pulled out a linen swath to wrap the stone. He would not leave it behind.

Calmed, he continued in silence gathering clothes and books; then called to Leliana down below, “I’ll need the armor stand moved out.”

He leaned over the side to see the grin on Leliana’s face “Where shall I move it, Commander?”

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Fish all you like Leliana. “To the armory, there are beds on the upper floor I can use.”  He would not presume to take residence in Val’s quarters, and the armory made the most sense. The clang of the smith’s hammer would not disturb his rest.

Cullen descended the ladder, pack in tow, and handed the keys to Leliana. “The crate of paperwork needs to be moved as well. Be sure to explain how to lock the doors, the side door sticks.” He pointed to the right side door.  “If you will excuse me, I should secure a bed.”

 Cullen left for the armory his belongings in tow. He’d prepare a note for Val as soon as he was situated. The smiths were only too happy to help Cullen, and apologized for the noise. Cullen did not linger so as not to disturb their work. They had to continue ensure the Inquisition was properly outfitted for the upcoming campaign. He stowed his items and removed his armor in hopes of heading to the Rest for a reprieve at least until Bethany or Valerie arrived. He wanted to be available should Bethany prove more than a little angry over the events of Adamant.  He decided a brief nap now would allow him to remain awake as long as was needed later. But the combined effect of the rhythmic sounds of the smiths with the warmth of the armory soon lulled him into a deep sleep.

__________________________

“Varric, I’m in no mood. Where are Knight-Commander Cullen and the Inquisitor?” Bethany was, in deep contrast to her brother, slow to anger, kind and respectful. Varric could sense her displeasure, but her voice, melodic and even disguised her annoyance.

“The Inquisitor is in Val Royeaux and she’ll be back late tonight or tomorrow.  As for Cullen, he was headed to the armory and then was supposed to be here to meet you, we can check. Come on Sunshine, you remember Cullen; he doesn’t sleep for days and then he crashes.”

Varric walked Bethany towards the armory secretly hoping Cullen was there and not off reading somewhere. They’d never find him if he was hiding, Cullen knew every inch of Skyhold and exactly where one could get lost in plain sight. The armory at first glance was empty save for the two men working in earnest.  Both men took stock of the dwarf and the lady. She was pretty, dark shoulder length hair and pale skin, but Varric was well known for his boasting. When asked about Cullen’s whereabouts they figured he was there to disturb their Commander; so in the interests of protecting the man they served, both men lied and told the lady Cullen had not returned to the armory. Bethany stormed out with Varric following her.

“Rest, please. We’ll find him in the morning and hopefully the Inquisitor will return early.” Varric pleaded with her. He could sympathize with her anger.  Hawke was an ass, but he’d been a good friend. His disappearance, as Varric refused to admit he was dead, weighed on him as it did Valerie.  He took Bethany to Cullen’s tower, helped her settle in and ensured she was safely locked in before he returned to the Rest.

_______________________

Valerie and Josephine returned with Bull, Solas and Blackwall close to midnight. Bull tried to drag Val to the Rest to unwind, but her weak excuse of ‘needing to check on something first’ met with laughter and teasing from Bull. They parted at the stairwell near the gate as she climbed up to Cullen’s tower alone.

Fatigued, the steps seemed higher and steeper to her as she climbed. Valerie hoped she could speak with Cullen and then sleep until morning, but as she tried the handle she found the door locked. At first Valerie was not concerned; Cullen may have locked the door perhaps expecting her to arrive the next day. Val descended the stairs and headed towards the main hall; as she reached the main entrance turned for a moment to glance at Cullen’s tower. “There’s light,” she said aloud. “He must have fallen asleep with the candles or Maker’s blood, that torch!”

Valerie’s earlier weariness forgotten, she hurried to the stairs leading to the other side of the tower. She took the steps two at a time and pulled heavily on the door only to find it locked as well. Valerie raised her fist to pound on the door and heard a loud sigh. She listened against the door and heard a female voice growl in anger followed by the sound of an object thrown against the floor.

Valerie sought to calm herself as she walked down the steps. “Just because you heard something, does not make it so.” Valerie repeated her words again absentmindedly walking towards the Rest.  A storm of fear, anger and sadness swallowed Valerie’s awareness. She sat at the only empty table near the door rather than join Varric, Bull, Dorian and Sera.

Bull watched as she sat down instead of heading to the bar. “What’s with Val, she lost?” Bull asked.

_____________________________________

Bethany Hawke did not understand how Knight Commander Cullen could sleep in a room with a hole in the ceiling; it disturbed her at first, but the chill in the night air, and the occasional gust of cold and lack of comfort made her wonder if this wasn’t a veiled snub towards her. She searched for the book she’d thrown earlier in frustration. Bethany hoped to have answers; she wanted someone to explain what happened to Hawke, not Varric’s heroic and glossed view of the events. She had a strong sense that this was all Garrett, her head told her this whole affair was his doing; he most likely wanted to impress the Inquisitor. If this Valerie was as strong-willed as Varric described, Hawke would have seen her as a challenge to overcome. He’d do something stupid – like offer to stay behind in the Fade as Varric explained. But Bethany did not buy what Varric tried to sell her; noble deeds without big payoffs were not in her brother’s makeup.

One person in Skyhold would not lie to her; Cullen would talk with her and she hoped the Inquisitor might share what happened to her brother.  Bethany heard the rumors and whispers of the Inquisition’s help to set the Wardens right again and hoped for the truth behind the story.    

Bethany shivered in Cullen’s stark rooms. She heard music and laughter from the tavern and expected to find warmth there. 

Once out of Cullen’s tower, the chill in the air pushed her down the stairs and towards the tavern. She stood in the door of the Herald’s Rest looking for privacy but found all the tables full. A woman sat alone near the door and Bethany headed to her table hoping she might escape a lengthy conversation.

Varric shifted in his chair as Sera leaned across the table “Who’s that?” Varric followed Sera’s direction and choked when he recognized Hawke’s sister in the doorway.  “Bethany Hawke, I thought I left her in Cullen’s-” Varric stopped and hung his head. “Shit.” Varric’s voice trailed off and head turned back to Valerie. His plan to wait until morning, set up a casual meeting and then allow Bethany and Valerie to talk fell apart as soon as Bethany sat down at the table.

Bull wondered how long it would take Varric to crack over the stress of the Warden and the Inquisitor together. “Hey Varric, looks like your Warden just invited herself to sit with Val, I’ve got two silver the Warden takes a swing at Val, what do you say?”  Varric had spent a fair amount of time explaining to those around him his concerns surrounding these two women.

“No bet, Tiny. What could they possibly talk about?” Varric asked.

Dorian finished his drink and smiled. “The usual, it’s hard being a powerful woman in a man’s age, quilting patterns and if there’s enough drink, the roundness of Cullen’s-“

“Sparkler, can we have one night where one or all of us do not end up talking about Curly’s ass?” Varric looked over again at Valerie’s table. “What could they be laughing about?”

“. . . better tie a line to him so he doesn’t get lost in the underbrush! I love how he tells the stories, and you end up laughing so hard-“

“Your eyes are tearing!” They said together and laughed.

Valerie sighed as her laughter subsided. “Let me get you something Bethany, I’m not in the mood for anything stronger than tea.”

Dorian gestured towards the bar. “Looks like your ladies plan to continue their conversation. You might wish to consider an interruption if you are concerned.” Varric’s cringe only fueled the laughter around the table.

_______________________________

The glow from the fires in the armory and the rhythmic clang of hammers on steel enveloped Cullen in discordant bliss. _I will remember this when I cannot sleep_ , he thought. He was rested and content but hungry. Cullen planned a quick kitchen raid but once out in the chill of the courtyard the raucous laughter and lively sounds inside the Rest made him wonder if Valerie had returned.  “I’ll just look to see if she’s with the others,” he said aloud and continued towards the tavern.

Varric switched seats to watch the conversation play out between Bethany and Valerie. So far the two women seemed to get along fine without the need for intervention; but Bethany was not Hawke, she did not tease and torment for fun. 

Bull leaned back in his chair watching the two with great interest. ‘”Varric, nothing has happened the two of them are just talking.  Are we playing or what?”

Valerie recounted the loss of her twin Aidan and younger sister Cherianne to Bethany; the sadness of their loss weighing heavily on her. Bethany shared the loss of her own family; her mother, her twin Carver and the events that led her to become a Warden.  

Cullen stood just outside the door of the tavern and glanced towards the back of the Rest where Val and the others often gathered. She wasn’t there. “Tomorrow,” he whispered and walked through the entrance to find an empty table alone.

Val smiled as he entered but her amusement turned to surprise as he walked past her without an acknowledgement.

Bethany leaned closer. “Do you know Cullen? I see he is still as uptight as ever. Back in Kirkwall, my brother had a few nicknames for him, but they aren’t appropriate to share. Garrett could be an ass.”

Valerie snapped her head back to stare at Bethany. _Garrett. Kirkwall_.   “Hawke.“  _Maker’s blood_. _Bethany_ _Hawke_.  The images of Adamant and the Fade flooded her memory. Tears pooled and waited for release.

Bethany nodded. “Did you know my brother? I should probably apologize.” Valerie’s face paled and the first tears fell. “Are you unwell? What happened?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry . . . I told him to go. I told them to leave me, but he – your brother was . . . he stayed. I tried to go back for him.” Valerie’s composure was quickly crumbling and Bethany realized who sat before her.

“You’re the Inquisitor.” Bethany murmured. She looked around for Cullen, Varric or anyone who might help her. She would not allow those gathered in the tavern to see their leader break down.  A male Qunari stared back at Bethany from across the tavern and nodded once. “Help is coming, walk with me.” Bethany guided Valerie out the entrance and the cooler air shocked Valerie enough to calm herself.

“I apologize. Hawke was a good man. He deserved better.” Valerie adjusted her posture and offered her hand. Confused but curious, Bethany took the Inquisitor’s hand. “I can’t imagine what you must think of me, but-“

“Valerie! Inquisitor!” Cullen rushed to meet them, taking hold of Valerie’s shoulders. “Are you unwell?”

Bethany observed the concern on Cullen’s face and the frown that overtook Valerie’s. “I’m fine. Imagine my surprise, _Commander_ , to return from Val Royeaux and find your tower locked - further complicated by the audible sigh of a woman,” she said shrugging out of Cullen’s hands. “You ignore me completely when you entered the Rest, tell me, what am I supposed to think?”

“Now hold a moment, _Inquisitor_. Before you seek to accuse me of any impropriety-“

Bethany was unprepared for the scene in front of her and concerned she might add fuel by attempting to defend Cullen, slipped back into tavern to find Varric waiting for her. “Sorry about that Sunshine. Are they arguing?” 

She tried not to smile. “You could say that. It’s my fault really, the Inquisitor heard me in Cullen’s office. I should try to help.”

Varric laughed. “No, this is some weird Seeker and Templar form of courting, give it five minutes and they’ll either be sparring or heading off to someplace private. There’s a standing bet if you want to get in on it.”

__________________________

Morrigan convinced Valerie to follow her through the eluvian the next morning. Valerie fell onto a bench in the small room. “I didn’t know this existed.  Morrigan, is the eluvian safe? What if Corypheus tried to use this to enter Skyhold?”

“’Tis safe enough for now Inquisitor, but I shall travel with you and should the temple hold another eluvian – you will need to decide its fate.” Morrigan said.

A young boy waited patiently in the doorway. Morrigan’s son, Kieran – bright, talkative and something Valerie could not quite explain. She smiled at him and he beamed in return. Morrigan chuckled, “He likes you quite a bit, Inquisitor.” Morrigan nodded towards the door and the boy left the room. “He’ll be safe while we are gone, I prefer he not travel.”

Valerie had not previously given any thought to children or futures beyond her immediate tasks although of late she often wondered if she would even consider a family. She shook her head to clear the idea; she was a Seeker, not a noble seeking marriage well aware no one would take a wife such as her.

“We leave tomorrow Morrigan, if you would please plan to travel with me and not the bulk of the armies. We’ll give you time to acclimate to travel and battle if you like, but the decision is yours.” Valerie’s head still filled with pictures of smiling children and possibilities, she returned to her quarters unaware of any and all around her.

Bethany Hawke would remain in residence at Skyhold during the Arbor Wilds mission and Cullen was grateful for her willingness to assist. But his office was far too crowded, and as he tried to replay his troop plans in his head he found could not concentrate. Valerie, the mission and hundreds of perfect details swarmed his head preventing the focus he now required. “ _The War Room_ ”, he thought, “ _I can use the map and find the flaws in the plan_.” Cullen never professed to be a master at tactics; instead he approached every task with logic and focus.

Leliana would be working with her charges to send word of the coming march and Josephine would be hard at work writing letters and answering the non-stop requests that somehow found their way to Skyhold almost daily. Cullen anticipated he could take advantage of the empty War Room.

Cullen’s direction towards the center door of the Main Hall was a usual sight for those who lingered most days, hoping to catch snippets of chatter or tidbits of scandal that the advisers and the Inquisitor might drop. He never quite understood the lure of such pursuits, scandals and gossip offered no reward other than a blurry view of what was happening around them.  Josephine scribbled away at her desk handing off paper after paper to her aide; she did not speak but gave him a simple nod as he continued through to the adjoining hall.

The heavy door groaned with effort as Cullen pushed it open and he saw Valerie staring out one of the large windows.

The early morning visit with Morrigan set Valerie’s thoughts in a direction she had not considered before. She tried to process everything she and Cullen had lived and struggled through since Valerie first arrived in Haven and logic failed her.

Her thoughts wandered again to Morrigan and Kieran, Alistair and Elissa and if such notions as love and family were really possibilities in any of their lives. She’d see the Inquisition through to the end, be it for Corypheus or for her – but what the future held for her or if Cullen expected their relationship to continue she did not know.                                     

“The view from your quarters is far more breathtaking, although I cannot complain to have found you here.” Cullen’s soft voice coaxed a smile from her. He was two different men. She spoke with Cullen now, affectionate and devoted her solace and salvation.   “You missed me. You could say it, just like that. ‘I missed you’”, Valerie teased. “May I ask a personal question?”

Cullen chuckled and moved closer to her. “I believe we are well past the point of needed to ask permission, Val. But since you asked - of course I shall answer. Please continue.”

“When this – the Inquisition - is done, what do you see when you think of the future? What will you do?” She asked.

“I hadn’t considered anything beyond this conflict, until recently. I started to wonder what I could offer, a return to the Order, service to the Divine or even return to my family and leave who I am to history.” He joined her at the window. “Then something happened I did not expect –you.”

“Cullen.” Valerie wasn’t ready for a discussion on romance.

He continued. “It is true that our time is often besieged by lively discussion and disagreement and you will admit that you possess a rather short fuse.” She moved away from the wall in response to his comment and he held up his hand to finish his thought. “I readily admit to not always speaking my mind and keeping much to myself. But I believe if we temper our difficulties with open discussion and share instead of hide from one another, being together makes sense.” He took a deep breath and waited for her reply.

“Cullen, only you could discuss your thoughts and feelings in a manner consistent with a tactics review or calibration exercise and still have it sound romantic.” She smiled.

He dipped his head, the flush rising on his face as his hand reached up to rub his neck. “Yes, well I’m not very good at this sort of thing, either.” Cullen moved away towards the large table to hide his embarrassment.

She joined him at the War Table and leaned against him. “Given our usual discussions, this was perfection.”

He offered his hand to her, and she accepted. “Perfection you say? My lady, now you tease me.”  The gentle pressure she felt on her hand and the closeness of him reminded her that so many depended on her and the Inquisition. It was time for Cullen to give way to her Commander, time to strategize and prepare herself for the mission ahead.

Valerie released her hold on his hand and he reluctantly let go. Cullen wondered if he’d pushed too far or teased inappropriately. She did not meet his questioning gaze as she took position across the table facing him.  “Val?”

“Let’s go through this again – walk me through your plans.” Valerie leaned on the table palms flat, she wanted to visualize everything; Cullen spoke at length - no detail spared, no obstacle overlooked. Calpurnia was no longer a threat and Valerie had complete trust in her companions and advisers; Morrigan’s help lent another layer of confidence to her mission.

Cullen outlined everything in detail for Valerie and moved about the table using the map to illustrate his strategy with the map markers and even chess tokens as visual aids. He tried to hide his own smile as hers grew knowing she could picture each step in her head, working through the tasks in turn, before continuing to the next. Cullen waited as she caught up to his finale. Her head rose from its concentrated focus, her eyes meeting his and she nodded once. A slight bow and a smile from him were more than sufficient. The Arbor Wilds called to her now, and the Inquisitor was ready.  

 

Image of Valerie Trevelyan by [replicajester.tumblr.com](http://replicajester.tumblr.com/)

 


	12. Everything I've Done

“It’s your move, Val,” repeated Cullen. Valerie often proved an excellent opponent; she’d play the entire game in her head after a single move. He could tell this was different. She appeared distracted, elsewhere. 

_ It’s your move, Val. He’s right. I’m still trying to figure out what happened at the Temple. How do I defeat Corypheus when he can possess a body at will? _

Valerie leaned over the chessboard and examined her pieces. 

_ The moves on the board are not limitless, and one has to feed into the next. Whatever I do now will impact the next and so on. Do we find Corypheus and attempt to finish this, or continue to gather strength and support?  Leliana wants me to go to the Frostback Mountains and find the expedition.  Josephine asked me to venture to the deep roads to work with the dwarves. What of Cullen? _

She raised her head to see Cullen staring at her. He took a long deep breath and smiled as he shook his head. “We’ll be here all night if you take this long for your  _ first _ move, Val.” He reached across the table and laid his hand palm side up. 

Kieran wandered over to the table, and as she reached for Cullen’s hand, the boy spoke. “He’s very fond of you, Inquisitor.” 

Cullen coughed and removed his hand from the table, a noticeable flush enveloping his neck. Valerie pressed her lips together to stave off a laugh. She swiveled in her chair to face Kieran and pretended to whisper. “Shall I tell you a secret?” Valerie asked. The boy nodded eyes wide.  

She looked at Cullen and winked, and then leaned closer to Kieran. “I’m rather fond of the Commander too.” She did not miss Cullen’s reaction to her words as he leaned back in his chair and forced another cough to hide the grin spreading on his face.  

Kieran covered his mouth to hide his glee. “I can tell. Mother says you can be happy  _ and _ be the Inquisitor.” 

The boy’s concern and gentle nature shifted her focus. Tomorrow in the War Council they would plan and discuss objectives but Valerie took this time to be with Cullen, to clear her head and leave her obligations aside for a few hours. Kieran’s interruption stopped the retreat inside her head. 

“Thank you, Kieran.” Kieran hadn’t spoken with her since they returned from the Fade the previous day; when he’d answered a call through the eluvian. The conversation between Morrigan and her mother was vague and Kieran’s safety was what mattered to her.  Valerie still wasn’t certain about what she witnessed, but Morrigan assured her all was well. Valerie tried to find the right words to ask Kieran what happened; but before she could ask, the unmistakable call of a mother searching for her child found its way to their table.

Morrigan’s calls to Kieran grew louder until she found her son standing near the game table. “Kieran, come away, please. We don’t want to trouble the Inquisitor.”

“Yes, Mother.” Kieran replied. “I am sorry if I interrupted your game.”

Valerie’s gentle smile prompted his own in return. “You didn’t Kieran, I enjoy your company, but your mother is concerned. We’ll speak another time or maybe you will honor me with a game? I understand you’re an excellent opponent.” Dorian let it slip that Kieran watched the games with interest, and had an aptitude for the game as long as Morrigan didn’t interfere.

Kieran beamed. “I should like that very much, thank you!” He turned and joined his mother chattering away and gesturing towards Valerie. Morrigan met Valerie’s eyes and nodded once before returning her attention to her excited son. Mother and son left the garden.

“You made his day, Val.” Cullen offered. “He’ll live on that excitement for quite a while.”

She shifted in her chair to face Cullen to continue the game, and moved her first piece. “He’s bright, friendly, and it’s not as though Skyhold is teaming with children.” She realized her words were harsher than she’d intended. “That came out wrong, I’m sorry.” 

Cullen completed his move on the game board. “You’re right. Kieran has wandered into my office – more than Morrigan knows – and I’ve found him to be interested in almost every subject, although he’s particularly interested in history. I admit I should not allow him to carry off so many books at a time.”

He’d not shared this with her before. “What do you mean?”

Cullen leaned back and continued. “I don’t recall when Kieran visited the first time, but he asked  - politely – if he might look at the books in my office. It seemed he’d not been able to find something to his liking in the library. I agreed without thinking, it’s not my place to educate the boy, but I knew there was nothing in my collection that would be inappropriate for him.” Cullen chuckled. “The curious thing was he came back a day or two later and wanted to talk about whatever he’d read. I thought it was strange at first, surely the boy’s mother didn’t know he was wandering about so early in the morning. He would enter, say ‘good morning’ or ‘good afternoon’, return the book to its exact place, ask his questions and then excuse himself and leave.” Cullen followed Valerie’s move and smiled. “I’ll admit I’ve grown accustomed to his visits. Are you sure you want to move there? That is rather bold of you - not your usual tactic.”

“I’ll have you in eight moves.” Valerie said, watching Cullen shift a piece on the board.

Cullen snorted. “Really, Val? You’ll  _ have _ me in eight moves? I didn’t realize I was that easy.” Cullen teased. 

“Head in the game Cullen, I’m wrong, it’s not in eight moves.” Val conceded. 

He laughed. “I figured as much.” Cullen reviewed the board and looked up as her boldness crystallized for him. He ran through move and countermove until he reached the conclusion. “You’ll have this match in six moves, Val.” 

“A lucky guess?” She offered. Cullen prided himself on his prowess as a chess player. She wanted to tell him she’d picked up the bold move from watching his matches with Dorian.

He chuckled. “Well played. Do we have time for another?”

She studied his eager expression and his desire to play again, knowing both of them had a full schedule. “Out with it Cullen, could it be I’m about to be schooled on proper behavior.”

Cullen placed the pieces on the board to begin a new game and did not meet her eyes. “A few of your companions are concerned.”

Valerie played along and pushed her growing irritation aside. “Concerned, you say . . .what about?” Her patronizing tone coated her words.

He met her eyes, and the exasperation in his voice was hard to miss, “Val.” 

She leaned back in her chair. “Suddenly I’m a little girl again about to be punished for stealing sweets from the larder. Cullen, you are not my keeper. I can guess what this is about. The Arbor Wilds, the helmet and armor choice - am I close?” She asked. “Cullen, it was unbearably hot for me, the lighter armor made sense and I couldn’t breathe in the damnable helmet. I can decide my own battle wardrobe.” 

He sighed. “I am not calling your judgement into question, Val. I trust you and your decisions; but your safety matters a great deal. I am reacting to the report I received and I assure you my reasons are personal.” 

Valerie took a deep breath and responded with as much control as she could maintain. “Then skip the battle review Cullen and talk with me - not at me.”

He stood up abruptly, and for a moment Valerie wondered if she’d angered him. “Meet me at the top of the tower; I’ll be right behind you.” 

_______________________ 

Climbing the final ladder to the top of the tower, she smiled as she saw Cullen waiting for her. He leaned against the wall as himself - no mantle, no breastplate, and no sign of the Commander. A call from below asked Valerie if she required help, and pulled Cullen’s attention to her. 

“I should be flattered to think you’ve been waiting there, I suppose. But then I can’t help wondering why you’d be waiting there instead of joining me, Val.” He offered his hand and helped her off the ladder. “As you requested, my lady – no battle review.” The warmth in his eyes and smile so engrossed her she nearly forgot to breathe. 

His brow furrowed as she shook the fascination from her head. “Val?” Cullen moved closer, and his hands grasped hers.

She flushed and exhaled. “A moment of girlish glee, I’m afraid.” Her eyes wandered to the rumpled envelope in his waistband. “That poor envelope has seen quite the struggle.”

Cullen laughed, “I suppose it has. I will ask that you listen first and then I shall give you the letter.”  He exhaled and stared at his feet. She knew he’d already put together the perfect words in his head, but more than likely they’d all fled.  “You’d think by now I could speak plain with you.  Once again I find I stumble through every word.”

She prefers Cullen to the Commander, even though they are the same man. She will save Cullen and lead the conversation. “I wonder what stories that letter could tell me; did it arrive in such a state? What secrets does it hold?” Valerie spun her tale, teasing as she asked her questions. “Perhaps one of your many admirers? Although I would prefer to think you would caution them of the scary Inquisitor who might take exception to such advances,” she warned with a wink.

He laughed, loud and full. “Admirers? You mean apart from the kitchen staff? ” Cullen held the envelope out to her and breathed deeply.  “I will admit to a certain amount of reluctance to know the contents of the letter within, but perhaps it will help you to understand.”

Valerie accepted the weather beaten and crumpled envelope. The edges were worn and frayed.  A familiar script engulfed the entire front of the envelope and the seal on the back a left no doubt. “Cullen, this is Mother’s handwriting, and the Trevelyan seal. Why was this addressed to you?”  

“I wrote to your family. Perhaps it was ill-timed, but it was proper. I have nothing to give you, no title, no family; nothing to offer as a suitable consideration for your affections. You deserve far better than the likes of me.” He turned from her and continued. “I thought if I could make a sound argument, perhaps your family would accept that I am sincere in my feelings.” He pointed to the envelope. “You hold the response in your hands. I’ve not been able to open it since it arrived.”

Valerie rolled her eyes and tore open the envelope. “Why not?  I can assure you Lady Melisende does not write her own responses unless she prefers to keep her comments private.  My mother was from Orlais, Cullen. She adores meddling in others’ lives, and your declaration must have made the hairs on her perfect neck stand on end.” She pulled out multiple sheets of the same colored paper. 

Cullen watched as Valerie sniffed and turned the letter over. “What are you doing?”

“Aidan teased me when we were younger that Mother’s stationary was dyed with the ashes of her foes. He bet me once you could smell the corpses if you sniffed the paper,” she laughed and handed the pages to him. “Will you read or shall I?”  

Cullen raised both hands and backed away. “No, you have a firm grip on your mother’s foes. Please continue.”

She laughed and taunted him with the paper. “Our fearless Commander afraid of a little piece of paper – I don’t know Cullen, I worry about you.” She winked and cleared her throat dramatically.

“Val, read the letter,” Cullen said. He rolled his eyes at her theatrics and gestured for her to get on with it.

“My dear Commander. . .” Valerie winked. Cullen attempted to grab the letter from her. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Val.” He stammered for a moment. “Give it to me already, I’ll read it.”

She turned her back and leaned against him. “No more teasing, I promise.” The two settled in together as Valerie read aloud.

_ Commander Cullen, _

_ I was pleasantly surprised to receive your letter and thank you for the kind words offered in Aidan and Cherianne’s memory. Aidan’s letters spoke very highly of you and your dedication to the Order.  _

_ As a mother, I thank you and your Inquisition for Valerie’s life. She is a Seeker of Truth, not the criminal responsible for the atrocities committed against the Divine and the Conclave. Lady Montilyet assured me Valerie has taken a leadership role and will guide the Inquisition to see justice done. I can assure you my daughter will not fail if she has chosen to lead.  _

_ While House Trevelyan would prefer to see the authority of the Chantry and the Templars restore order across Thedas, Bann Trevelyan and I offer you congratulations on your appointment within this Inquisition. We trust you will see to the will of the Maker and we both take comfort in your guidance to Valerie as she fulfills her duty. _

_ I have discussed your request of a personal nature with Bann Trevelyan at length and we cannot answer in Valerie’s stead. The permission to pursue any such relation falls to her alone. Valerie has not considered us in her decisions for many years and it would be inappropriate for us to reach terms without her knowledge. As her mother and father, we offer our prayers for success in your endeavors.  _

_ A final request to you Commander, please share our best wishes with Valerie and ask that she return to us once her duties are complete. If you would see her home, we would thank you in person for your kindness to our children. _

_ Maker watch over you, _

_ Lady Melisende Oreste Trevelyan _

Valerie did not move. Her stillness unnerved Cullen. “Are you unwell? Val?”

“When did you write to Mother?” Valerie whispered and then quickly asked again in full voice. 

“When we arrived here in Skyhold,” he answered. “I’d wanted permission to . . .” Cullen’s voice trailed off as Valerie turned around and grinned.

“Permission to . . . what Cullen?” Valerie teased Cullen yet again, and judging by the slow crawl of pink from the base of his neck, Valerie could see she’d found her mark.

“I can tell you’re enjoying this, Val,” Cullen offered.  

Her smile faded, and she rested her hand on his chest. “Cullen, I don’t know what to think. That Mother took time to write you and to defer to me is overwhelming. You couldn’t possibly understand what living by high expectations of honor and duty in all things does to you.”  She patted his chest, a half smile on her face. “Thank you for sharing the letter, I need . . . I’ll meet you later.” Val hurried down the ladder leaving Cullen numb wondering what went wrong.

_ There was genuine affection in that letter. _ Valerie’s thoughts rushed so quickly she had to stop and catch her breath before descending into the courtyard. She spoke aloud to stop the flow of panic. “My mother finally respects me and it’s because someone she deems worthy asks. . .” Valerie stopped.  _ What did he ask? Maker’s blood! Stick to the mission, girl. Stick to the fucking mission and get over the fucking Templar. _

_ _____________________  _

Bull and Varric left the Rest and planned to hit the sparring ring. “Varric, who else did you ask? Until all this crap is done, we’re not going anywhere.” Bull hoped for a diversion from all the politics and discussions that occupied all of Skyhold.

Varric turned to answer as Valerie barreled between them knocking Varric to the side. “Shit. That can’t be good.” The two watched as Valerie stopped at the weapons rack and grabbed a short axe and twirled it several times before continuing on towards the prison. She yanked the door open and within seconds the guard on duty scurried out into the courtyard looking for help.  

Bull sighed and shook his head. “Ten silver says they’re fighting again.” 

While the two stood talking, Dorian joined them. “What are we talking about?” 

Gesturing towards the prison, Bull explained what they witnessed. Dorian disagreed with the assessment. “The absence of Cullen in this tells me it’s not necessarily what you think. The question is which of you two brave souls will venture to discover what has incensed our Inquisitor?” 

“Don’t look at me Tiny, that was no ‘little fit of temper’ and I’d prefer to avoid a turn as a training dummy.” Varric backed away as he continued.  “I’ll wait here.”

“Come on Dorian, she’ll talk to you just as much as one of us. What about you?” Varric nodded in agreement with Bull’s question. 

Dorian patted Bull’s arm. “I will search out her beloved Commander to see if I can glean what happened before her little fit of temper.” 

 

________________________

“So let me get this through my head. You’re not mad at Cullen and everything is fine, but you chipped an axe on stone because you are angry that your mother wrote a letter?” Bull shook his head. “Shit. I’m sorry I asked.” Bull sat down on the pile of rubble nearest her. “Here’s where I stand. You reminded me the Chargers were more important than any deal. I was pissed at first, but you did the right thing and I’ll never forget that.” Bull tapped his chest. “That’ll stay in here forever. You need me, you say the word and I’m there.”

Valerie leaned against the pile. “There’s more, isn’t there?” 

Bull looked off into the rushing water and sighed. “Yeah, there’s more. I worry about you, shit we all do. But that man in the tower – Cullen? He’s got the worst of it. He sends you out to meet the nastiest Thedas offers again and again, and I know each time he hands you that next mission it’s got to be like losing you all over again.  Maybe you need to figure out if that’s worth fighting for, Boss.”  Bull stood and left her alone.

Valerie did not join the others in the sparring ring; she delivered the chipped axe to the smiths who took it without question. Returning to the main hall, Valerie’s silent retreat to her quarters ended when Vivienne crossed her path.

“We must have a little chat, my dear,” Vivienne chided and without another word or glance she glided towards the side door and disappeared into the breezeway.

“How is it whenever she speaks to me I feel like a small child caught in the act?” Valerie said aloud. In spite of her concerns, Valerie followed Vivienne. Most of their conversations were short, and perhaps more curt than they should have been, but Valerie had the impression Madame de Fer did not like her in the slightest so she stayed away from her. 

Valerie thought she’d attempted to be helpful. She had helped Vivienne recover missing tomes. Valerie took responsibility for a failed alchemical experiment despite Vivienne’s assured absolution of any missteps. It was this failure, along with the whispers of Cassandra’s all but certain appointment as  the new Divine, that led Valerie to the conclusion she was about to be chastised for some failing as the Inquisitor.  Reticent and unprepared she climbed the stairs to Vivienne’s room.

Vivienne carried herself in a way that had forever eluded Valerie. Her fluid movements, the way she glided around a room and even her hand gestures were . . . perfect.  Valerie knew the sharp mind and wit Vivienne possessed, and if she had angered Madam de Fer it would take much work to maintain their precarious alliance.

“Inquisitor - Valerie. Please . . . sit.” In most circumstances, Valerie would have stood in defiance of the thinly veiled order.  “Things are changing my dear, and I wonder what role you will play. Will you continue on your present course, gaining influence and strength, until you control how the wind travels through Thedas?” 

Valerie was not skilled in The Game. Vivienne, on the other hand, mastered all the intricacies and perfected its logic. She would have to tread with caution. “Until Corypheus is found and beaten, I can’t think beyond our mission.”

Vivienne did not react. “You offer a wise response to such an ambiguous question. I expected nothing less.” She sauntered as she walked, hands gesturing as though they were pulling questions from the air. “I wonder if your answer would be the same if perhaps a position more suitable to your talents were presented for consideration. I have learned you are at the top of a short list of suitable candidates to serve the new Divine, and I would like to make a similar offer of an equally important role.”

Valerie could not comprehend why Vivienne would share such information with her. Valerie had to hunt down Corypheus, and complete her obligations to the Inquisition. She couldn’t think about possible future opportunities. “Thank you for thinking of me, Vivienne. I must ask that we refrain from discussions of this nature until the Inquisition’s position, and the safety of Thedas, is guaranteed. Perhaps then we may continue this discussion. I am afraid I must ask for your understanding; there is much that requires my attention.” 

Vivienne raised a perfect eyebrow. “Well spoken, my dear, I would like to continue our  . . . discussion another time.  Please, I have kept you far too long.”  Vivienne stood, showing their time had ended.

_ It’s your move Val,  _ she thought entering the main hall. 

Varric cleared his throat. “Dare I ask what that conversation was all about?” Varric pointed upstairs.

“Honestly Varric, I was a party to it and I do not understand.” Valerie slumped into a chair near him and sighed when he sat across from her. “Varric, no offers, no wisdom, I’m overwhelmed, I haven’t been to my quarters yet, and I’m sure Josephine has piles of work each paper more important than the last.”

He shrugged and shook his head. “I wouldn’t dream of adding to your day, but I should warn you Curly’s been in here twice. He never comes all the way in, just stands in the entryway for a minute or two and then leaves. I thought you should know.” Valerie sighed. “What’s the matter, is the handsome prince losing his mystique?” 

She smiled and pushed herself to stand. “No, the princess is stuck between responsibility and desire. Thanks, Varric.” 

“No problem,” Varric replied. “I may use that line, if you don’t mind?”

She waved and hurried towards the garden.

__________________  

Cullen entered the hall intending to visit the small chapel before meeting Valerie for their evening meal.  Varric joined him without a word. “Varric.” Cullen found it odd the dwarf had nothing to say, as Varric  _ always _ found something to say. “Have I discovered perhaps the one day you have no quips to offer? To what do I owe the pleasure of your silence, Varric?”

“Curly. . .right now the only thing you need to do is turn left and walk through that door.”  Varric pointed towards the garden exit. “That’s all I will say for now, but I’m sure I’ll find you later and discover new ways to annoy you.” Varric returned to his table and sat down to write. 

Cullen’s curiosity about Varric’s strange instruction led him through the breezeway into the garden.  Heads turned in his direction and the smiles and whispers sunk in.  _ Valerie is here _ , he mused.  _ Why else would so many be interested in my entrance? _ Cullen crossed the garden and walked towards the chapel.  _ It’s the only place she would be; no one disturbs her or me there. _ Cullen quieted his steps and stood just outside the chapel entrance, watching as she knelt, her voice strong in her conviction.

“Tell me I have sung to Your approval.” She paused before continuing. 

_ Transfigurations – when she is lost in her fears she clings to those words. Val, when will you look to me and not hide? _ Cullen frowns as he knows the words that follow. He does not wish to hear them fall from her lips, but will not interrupt her prayers.

Valerie takes a deep breath and speaks. “O Maker here my cry; seat me by Your side in death. Make me one within Your glory, and let the world once more see Your favor.”

He places his hand on her shoulder. She says nothing, but touches his hand in response. The two remain in silence until he kneels beside her. 

Cullen’s voice guides her as he speaks words both comforting and familiar. 

“Maker though the darkness comes upon me;   
I shall embrace the Light. I shall weather the storm.   
I will endure. What You have created no one can tear asunder.”

Cullen leaves the words to hang between them. He takes her hand in his and threads his fingers taking her warmth in his hand. No words are spoken as he raises his eyes to the figure standing before him, and there in the solemnity of his thoughts he repeats a single phrase to himself.  _ You will return _ .

  
  



	13. But For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final battle begins, but what of those left behind in Skyhold?

But for You

_The dragon advances gnashing and swiping at her with every step. Cullen sees the edge rise up to meet her and sends more of his soldiers forward to distract the beast._

_“You’ve got to move!” He shouts to her but her eyes stay locked on the dragon. She tests the ground behind her and slips as her foot finds the edge. “Valerie, move – move now!” Cullen charges forward pushing himself to reach her in time. He exhales as he sees her charge to her left and around the side of the Lyrium Dragon._

_She nods and picks up her sword and shield to face the dragon alone._

_“No! Leave him, come away – come away!” Cullen fights to stand as the stones of the ruined temple break apart and float. He leaps in time to land on solid earth and tries to find her in the chaos._

_Dorian kneels over Varric’s broken body as Bull continues his melee against any and all who come close. Cullen finds relief wash through him as Varric’s chest rises and falls. He searches the battlefield. Valerie stands side by side with Cassandra staring down the dragon._

_Cullen joins Bull and cuts a path towards Cassandra and Valerie. “Can you get to them, Bull?” Cullen smashes into the Venatori Brute and sends him staggering backwards._

_Bull nods. “You good here alone?”_

_Cullen grimaces as he blocks a hammer blow with his shield. “Yes, help her!” He shouts to Bull as he finds an opening. The Brute raises the unwieldy hammer and Cullen lunges with his shield sending the unbalanced warrior to the ground. Cole appears over the Brute and finishes him with his daggers._

_Cassandra’s voice breaks his focus as Valerie tangles with the dragon. “Cullen, over here!” Cassandra cries out to him over the battle. “Valerie, step this way!” Cassandra attempts to lure the beast, to pull the dragon’s focus to her._

_He turns and sprints towards her fearful that her heavy armor and shield will tip her balance towards the abyss. Cullen drops his shield and barrels forward oblivious to the surrounding danger. He skids to a halt and reaches out as she loses her footing. “Valerie!” Cullen stands and watches in horror as she falls away from him._

“Cullen!” Valerie tried again to wake him from his nightmare. “Maker’s blood, you’re having a nightmare; you’ve got to wake up!”

He exhaled and looked around the room. “Forgive me, did I . . . are you all right?” Cullen attempts to reorient himself to the quiet of her quarters.

“I’m fine, Cullen,” she smiles and rests her hand on his chest. “You however should sleep, but not too long. War Council today to decide what’s next.”

He stared into her face and forced a smile. “We know what comes next, Val.”

Valerie draped her arm across his chest and hugged him. “A foe for the ages,” she sighed.

He swallowed hard and tried to find the right words. “You can win against Corypheus, I believe in you, Val.” Cullen kissed the top of her head and pulled her close. “You will come back.”

“Corypheus? Who’s worried about Corypheus? You’re going to have to face Lady Melisende in her lair,” she teased. “If anyone should be afraid it’s _you_. My _mother_ does not take prisoners.”

 _This is why I love you, Valerie,_ he thought, only _you would diffuse my concern about the tasks ahead of you by joking about your mother._

She wriggled free of his hold. “I promised Bull a sparring session this morning and I’m late,” she explained, pulling on her clothes. “Sleep. You need it. I’ll see you in the War Room later.”

Valerie leaned over him and kissed him.

“Do you have to go?” Cullen asked, hopeful she would stay.

“We will have endless days of sleeping in and doing absolutely nothing. I promise. I could stay, but that would bring Bull or Dorian. . .” her eyes widened in mock fear, “Maker’s blood, just imagine Varric or Sera coming up here and seeing you lying there in resplendent beauty.”

He snorted and laughed. “Resplendent beauty. . . really Val? Go– I’ll see you soon.”

_____________________________

“If you tighten it anymore I won’t be able to breathe.” Valerie tried to smile. Cullen checked her equipment and pulled on her armor with a firm tug. His nerves, stretched to their limits, manifested in his incessant fidgeting with her armor. “If you promise to be gentle,” he tugged on her breastplate, “I might let you get me out of this armor,” another jerk to her left pauldron, “when I return.”  Valerie stayed his hand and held it. “My armor is secure, Cullen. If my adversaries try to tug me to death, they won’t succeed.”

“Val, this is all you have.” Cullen had tugged and checked every part of her armor but the reflection of green light of the Breach against her pauldrons shook his confidence. “Now that I see it on you, it may not be enough to block his magic,” he sighed.  Cullen turned and faced the entrance to the main hall. “Give me a few minutes and let me talk with Dagna, she must have some sort of enhancement to offer you more protection.”

Valerie gripped his arm as he tried to step away. “I have everything I need.” Valerie pulled his hand in hers.  “Would you do me a favor?” Valerie asked, the corners of her mouth turned upwards as she led him away from the group.

“For you, anything, name it.” Cullen answered.

She smiled at the eagerness of his reply. “Cullen, find a way to keep your mind busy. Kieran will need a distraction with Morrigan traveling with us. Play chess, ransack the kitchen or just take him to the library. If all else fails, let him ride one of the harts. I need your word you will not sit here and over analyze every little thing. I’m not quite sure that Leliana and Josephine won’t throw you in a cell otherwise.”

He laughed. “Leliana exaggerates, Val. I will do as you ask of course.”

Dorian yelled across the courtyard, “Cullen, this is where you kiss her so we can go!”  A round of laughter and off handed comments swirled around the courtyard.

“No heroics - get it done and return,” he said, “Maker watch over you.”

She bit back a laugh. “Is there anything else you wish to impart Commander?”

Val smiled as Cullen tilted his head to the left; he did so when he wanted to soften his words.

“Don’t be late.” He winked and kissed her.

Whistles and shouts broke the two apart. Valerie leaned her forehead against his. “I’m going to kill every last one of them.”

Cullen laughed and his lips lingered in one last kiss on her forehead before he whispered. “I’ll help.”

______________________________

Cullen followed their descent down the snow covered slope and the turn into the woods.  He reminded himself to seek out Kieran and fulfill his promise to Valerie.

A small sigh grabbed his attention. “Mother said not to trouble you, but may I take a book from your office?” Kieran’s long face showed the smallest hint of hope.

“I was wondering if you might join me in a game?  I admit I need a distraction.” Cullen offered Kieran the chance to decide what he wished to do. “If you would prefer to read, please help yourself.”

The boy’s eyes widened. He’d watched many matches with the Commander and others and the notion he might sit across the game board and play had been a dream of his. “Please, I’d like to play but what if I’m not as good as others?”

Cullen looked around and caught the attention of one of the runners. “Then I suppose we’ll turn our time into a few lessons, if that would be all right?”

Kieran smiled. “Yes, thank you Commander Cullen. I would like to, very much.”

The runner joined them. “Ser, did you need something Ser?”

Cullen looked to Kieran. “I’m rather hungry. Kieran, tell me - have you eaten?”

The boy shook his head in response.

Cullen turned his attention back to the runner. “I will be in the garden; would you please ask the kitchen staff to prepare something to eat for Kieran and me as well? Make sure the kitchen knows it’s for me,” Cullen said.

The runner’s confusion at the change in standing orders, never to let the kitchen staff know when the Commander requested food, prompted him to verify Cullen’s request. “Ser, I thought – are you sure Ser?”

“Yes, quite,” Cullen replied, “you’ll find me at one of the game tables. Thank you for your help.” Cullen expected the kitchen would send along quite the surprise. The kitchen staff often overindulged in their offerings whenever Cullen requested something to eat. He would always send the excess to be shared around Skyhold.

______________________________

_She pushes herself to stand and leans on her sword; the surrounding air is littered with embers as fire engulfs the battlefield._

“Commander Cullen? It’s your turn.” Kieran stared at the game board and continued. “You’re worried about the Inquisitor.”

“I suppose I am, I apologize. My turn, you say?” Cullen looked over the board and realized he was falling behind. “You’re doing well, Kieran.”

The boy frowned. “It’s not fair, Commander Cullen. I’m only winning because of the Inquisitor.”

He smiled at Kieran. “Kieran, you may use my name. Cullen is just fine. What do you mean?” A half smile found Cullen’s face at the growing shock from Kieran. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped in surprise as the runner brought the food tray into the garden. Cullen chuckled, “I see the kitchen did not disappoint.” Someone followed the runner and by the stern look and tight stance, Josephine was not pleased.

“Cullen, the kitchen is not yours to command. Please check with me before you take over when I have plans that must be followed precisely.” Josephine glared, but he watched as her eyes wandered to the heavily laden tray. “Are those the buns with the dried fruit? I do enjoy those.”

Cullen held out the plate to Josephine. “Forgive me, Lady Josephine. Kieran and I hoped for a distraction from the day’s events. I do apologize if your plans were interrupted.”  Josephine snatched two sweet rolls and looked from Cullen to Kieran. Her face fell.

“Oh, of course, I should be more sensitive.” She turned her attention to Kieran. “You needn’t worry, Kieran. The Inquisitor will return with your mother and all of her companions.”

_She loosens her armor and removes her helmet as the dragon approaches. Her resignation turns to anger; she raises her sword and shield and charges forward._

“Commander Cullen?” Josephine’s wide eyes and gestures revealed he’d missed an important part of the conversation.

“My mind wandered, Lady Josephine. Would you repeat the question?” Cullen tried to be sincere. He hoped the visions in his head were his own fears, and not the truth of her endeavor.

The boy picked at his food. “He worries for the Inquisitor.” The sadness in the young boy’s voice moved Cullen.

“Kieran, if there is anyone who will fight with honor it is Valerie. She will stand before her foes and protect her friends. I have fought alongside her and there is no one who will work harder to bring everyone home.” Cullen glanced at Josephine and the grin of admiration at his convictions told him he’d said the right thing. “Have you ever ridden a hart, Kieran? I was given the Inquisitor’s permission to take her favorite out if we needed a break. What say you to testing out how fast the beast can run in the snow?”

Josephine blanched, “I don’t think the Lady Morrigan would be too pleased.”

“Lady Josephine, today is the perfect day to try, wouldn’t you agree Kieran?”

Nodding enthusiastically, Kieran hurried to the door and pulled it open. Cullen grabbed a few apples and nodded towards the tray. “Would you ask the runners to divide the tray amongst themselves?”

She quickly sent runners scurrying about to gather the tray and do as Cullen suggested. Josephine called after him as he followed Kieran. “Be careful, Commander. The Lady Morrigan may not be as understanding when it comes to the boy!”

________________________

Morrigan could not defeat the Lyrium dragon, but she had weakened the beast enough for the party to meet the dragon more evenly matched.  Varric’s wounds would heal. Val hunted her new target: Corypheus.

The battle with the dragon had proven difficult. She feared a rib was cracked; the dull pain in her side ignored for now, she slugged two potions and wiped her mouth.

Blackwall and Sera helped Varric to stand. “Hey Val! Didn’t the Seekers teach you to leave your armor on? Who charges a dragon without a helmet?”  Varric bent over and waived off Blackwall and Sera, he’d been knocked out, but could stand on his own.

She laughed and winced slightly. That side would be a problem for her. “The Seeker who just saved your dwarven ass!”

Varric laughed. “Yeah. Thanks. I owe you one.”

Valerie tried to run after Morrigan to find where she fell but Vivienne blocked her path. “Leave the witch, I will see to her. You must not stop now, Inquisitor.”

Blackwall pointed towards the rock face. “Go, my lady. We’ll take care of the wounded.”

Bull, Dorian and Cassandra stood together and beckoned her follow deeper into the ruins. 

Solas joined her. “Will you continue, Inquisitor? I fear the battle with the dragon has taken a toll on you.”

She forced herself to hide the pain. “If the time is not now, Solas, then when?  If it does not fall to me to finish this then to whom will the task be given?”

He shakes his head.  “Courage my friend, you will succeed.”

She readied with one final prayer joining the others. “Creator of the Sky, the Land and Sea, hear your people in their time of need. Let no man have cause to fear the shadows; see their souls be lifted upon your return. So let it be.”

“Maker watch over us all,” Cassandra replied. 

Valerie led them up the craggy paths with Dorian at her heels. “Tell me something, does that truly help?”

“Would you rather I say ‘shit, this is going to be a fucking disaster’?” Valerie’s reply startled Dorian but Bull’s laughter quickly spread.

The laughter could be heard by the others as they disappeared further into the rocks.

_________________________

Kieran shivered as his thoughts strayed to his mother. “Commander, I mean Cullen, could we go back? I’m feeling a little tired.” The boy pulled the blanket around his shoulders.

Cullen patted the hart on the flank and it turned.  “You’re still worried, Kieran.”

The boy hung his head and sighed. “I wish I was strong. Are you worried?”

Cullen hesitated. He did not know what was proper, and feared adding to the boy’s concerns. “Kieran I trust the Inquisitor will see everyone home safe.” Unsure if his answer was what the boy wanted, Cullen continued. “The answer to your question is yes. I am concerned. My mind wanders to what is happening and in those images I find myself worried for her.”

“Is that . . .fear? Mother tells me it is all right to be afraid, but I don’t know.” Kieran confessed to Cullen his concerns about being alone. He’d only had his mother for company. “I don’t have friends.”

There was sadness to the boy’s words. Despite the harsh realities of his past, Cullen had his siblings, his family when he was younger. There were acquaintances and friendships of a sort he attributed to his time with Templars and the Inquisition. Valerie was more than the sum of all those parts of him, but the truth of Kieran’s admission troubled Cullen.

Skyhold rose before them as they crested the hill. Dark and imposing to some, but to Cullen it was magnificent. He did not see the crumbling walls, the stark bare halls – this was home. Cullen climbed off the hart’s back to lead them towards the gate and stopped to face Kieran. “I am your friend, Kieran.  I enjoy our conversations and look forward to your visits. The Inquisitor is quite fond of you. I would suspect there are others here who feel as I do.”

Kieran beamed at Cullen’s words. “Thank you. Is it all right to say thank you?”

Cullen laughed and led the hart towards the entrance. “Yes, Kieran it’s all right. You’re welcome. Shall we try another game?”

A brilliant flash forced Cullen and Kieran to cover their eyes. Cullen climbed atop the hart and urged the beast to move. “Hold on!” Cullen cried out. 

The hart darted back and forth carrying its passengers up to the gate. Cullen jumped off and helped Kieran down. “Go to the main hall, Kieran and wait there.” The boy nodded and ran towards the stairs.

Cullen hurried to the ramparts. Running up the stair, his thoughts were a swirling mass of concern and questions. When he was able to look up at an unobstructed view of the skies he saw the breach was gone. He clapped his hands together and held them tight. _She’s done it,_ he thought, _it’s over_.  Cullen smiled and wondered if Valerie truly understood what she’d accomplished. The tight coil of concern he’d felt over the past few days slowly unwound inside him.

_____________________________

 Kieran and Cullen played chess to pass the time waiting for the heroes return while Josephine had the rest of Skyhold running about in a mad dash to prepare a celebration for the Inquisitor and her companions. After the fourth interruption, Josephine did not venture into the garden to ask for help. Cullen’s instincts told him Kieran and Morrigan would depart Skyhold after the celebration, and he intended to share whatever time he could with the boy. It was only when the signal of the Inquisitor’s approach, coupled with the cries and shouts of those on watch reached Cullen’s ears, did he calmly put the pieces away and led Kieran into the courtyard to wait for his mother. 

Cullen waited with Leliana and Josephine as Valerie and the others entered Skyhold. Valerie would stop first at the guard post to remove her armor and leave her weapons. He shifted on his feet, a momentary involuntary need to leave his position and join her.

“Patience, Cullen,” Leliana laughed, “the Inquisitor will join us soon enough.”

He did not respond to her teasing words. Cullen watched and waited. Those who called Skyhold home gathered to greet the Inquisitor. Valerie finally emerged from the guard house slowly walking through the crowd, nodding and smiling as person after person thanked her.  Cullen smiled and shook his head as Valerie stared at him eyes wide at the spectacle. She climbed the steps, and bit back a laugh as Cullen broke formation to meet her.

Valerie melted into arms. “I see we are a little impatient, Commander.”

He chuckled and hugged her closer. “Perhaps a little; are you ready Inquisitor?”

She sighed and held on. “Just a little longer, please?”

Cullen gently moved away and led her towards Leliana and Josephine. Cullen scanned the crowd below and found Morrigan and Kieran together. Kieran’s excited gestures and bright face revealed he must be sharing the day’s adventures. Saving Thedas is not so exciting when you have your own adventure. Morrigan’s head turned to Cullen. She gave him half smile and a simple nod before returning her attention to her son.

_______________________________

“Curly, can you at least pretend to be enjoying yourself?” Varric laughed and joined Cullen in the main hall.

“I’ll humor you Varric just this once,” Cullen said, “I really don’t understand parties, beyond the distraction, they are rather boring.”

“Cullen, it’s not the party, it’s you. Lighten up. Let me give you a little word of advice. You might try to pay attention when your girlfriend is trying to sneak out of her own party into her quarters.” Varric pointed to Valerie. She was slowly backing away step by step from a conversation between Vivienne and several courtiers, and her path was indeed towards her quarters. 

“That _is_ interesting, thanks dwarf.” Cullen slapped Varric’s shoulder.

“No problem whatsoever.” Varric said as Cullen weaved his way through the crowd.

Cullen stopped. He stood behind her, watching her fiddle with the door handle. He fumbled over words trying to find something clever, seductive or any words at all.

“This is where you say something witty or invite yourself inside rather than standing there in silence.” Valerie offered. The latch on the door disengaged, and she opened it. “Any thoughts on what happens next?”

Varric, Bull and Dorian sat together at one of the long tables watching Cullen follow Valerie into her quarters. Bull slammed his palm down on the table. “Ha! I told you this was how it would end.”

“That may be, but I seem to recall Bull, you were the one who called the wager on them not sticking this through to the end. Perhaps my memory on this is a little weak, but I am sure that is how this little wager was set.” Dorian was right, and he knew it.

“Listen here, Dorian. I may have called the wager, but I know Valerie. I knew she’d pull through.”  Bull said into his mug.

“Tiny, here’s a toast to a better liar than I could ever hope to be.” Varric lifted his mug.  

Dorian joined in, “Here, here!”

Bull waived their jibes aside with his hand. “Whatever you say, now pay up.”

 

 FIN

 Thank you for reading!

Follow Valerie and Cullen in the post-trespasser fic [I Sing the Sun in Flight](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6412042)   
Art by the amazing [Sangosweetheart](http://sangosweetheart.deviantart.com/) on deviant art!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Gabriela for your beta work! Thank you to Spiritlock for the beta work, idea exchange and discussions.  
> Thank you readers for all your comments, insights and observations!
> 
> Val's prayer is taken from Dragon Age: Origins

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [One Drunken Kiss](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5075218) by [SpiritLock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritLock/pseuds/SpiritLock)




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